To The Adrian Press

The reward offered by the Adrián Press for my assassination has already compelled me to resort to innumerable strategie tactics for the preservation of my life. Ignorant of the inducement extended to the public for the capture of my heart or liver, bearing the great seal and coat of arms of the University of Michigan and my own affidavit, I was walking by the murmuring Hurón, at peace with all mankind (save that living witness of one of tlve mysterious freaks of nature, that irrepressible, indescribable, zoological, spectral, Adramatic ity, whose genealogy ma y be traced from a gorilla to the devil,) admiring the scènes of nature and some bewilderingly beautiful co-eds, bathing their pretty coruo-bunionatic feet in the crystal waters of the river, when with a sepulchral howl that reverberated down the valley like the wail of a lost soul in the third act of initiation in the sulphurous world, a long, lean, famished-looking Lit, whose seventy-five-cent diet had left the unmistakable evidences of starvation on his emaciated face, armed with a flint musket and an ancient cimitar, rushed upon me and dernanded the imraediate surrender of that very important organ - my liver. In vain did I try to convince him that it was at the machine shop for repairs; in vain did I flaunt a receipt for a Waterbury watch bef ore him, thinking that as he could not read, I might thereby deceive him. O, fatal error! - he could read,, and read in croaking accents: " Received of E. F. Johrrsteme, to hold in pledge for the payment of two cents for one damaged paper collar and one Waterbury watch. Signed, The Two Isaacs." There was but one avenue of escape, and with a prayer on mj trembling lips I threw myself into the river, followed by a charge of buckshot that tore away seven ounces of meat, which my would-be as sassin rescued from the wave?, anc with a triumphant yell he bore it to a "Medie," who, after two hours inspection, decided that it was no my liver, and the disappointed art venturer sold it at a boarding-hous for four cents. This is only one of my many nar row escapes from death at the hanc of the assassin, and if the mongre of the Adrián Press will withdra his offer of gold for my assassina tion, I will send a book of great merit - one that he has never seen - t-Vip Npw Testament.