Just In Time

"Johnny, ia there a crape on the door?" "Ko, pa." "Xo hearse waiting at the corner?" "Why, no, indeed." "No floral oiïirings- gates ajar orbrokea ■jolunins- down stairs?" "OL course uot, pa." "Xo undertaker sitting out on the front steps with a quart jug of embalmiug fluid under his arm?" "Why, certainly not, pa." "Seeif thereain't acouple of tombstone dealers standing on the other side of the street gazing upward at the window." "Not one, pa." "Then I must still be iu the land of the living, and I ought to be thankful, but it' )een a toush pull." "You've had it pretty tough, pa." "Had what?" "The grip." "Grip, nothing. I haven'fc had the scrip. 'hese last-four weeks I have spent in bed lave not been due to grip. It was mis)laced confldenoe, my son, and thls is how t all happened: You probably remember had a cold abouta month ago, don'tyou?" "Yes, pa." "Well, the fiends incarnate who claim o be my frieuds did the rest. First, I met Smith. 'Helio,' says he, you've got it.' " 'Got what?' says I. " 'The grip,' says he, and then he gave me prescription. It consisted of a pint of jlack molasses, a pint of Irish whisky, a teaspoonful of red pepper and a half ounce of powdered quinine. 'Take that little dose jefore retiring, and yon'U feel likea 2-yearold in the morning,' hesaid, with afiendish grin. "And did you do it, pa? "Yes, but that was not all. On the next corner I met Brown. '"TiVell, I see you've got the grip,' be alurted out as he smüed a frightful sinila 'I've got the very stuff to knook it out in one night. What you want to do is to eat a half pound of loaf sugar sonked in coal oil, wrap yourself up in a wet sheet and go to bed, and tomorrow you'll be as lively as agamecock.' "And did you do it, pa? "Alas! I did. "But still ciiine another. Jones was his name. I was almost borne when I methim. "'Awfully sorry for you, oíd inao,' he whined as he grasped my hand. 'You have a bad case surely, but I have the champion grip cure. Yon want to put mustaTd piasters under your armpits, bathe your head in salt water, take a. steam bath and four doses of horse powders,' which the label said were 'Grood for man or beast,' and he thought I might pull through. "I wrote all the different remedies down, together with those whioh I was advised to use by 'Oíd Aunt Liza,' the cook, your mothèr, her mother and all the neighbors. The order filled a sheet of foolscap paper closely written and one consignment of remedies on a dray. The stuff kept coming all the eveuing, while I lay ou the lounge expecting every moment to be ushered up to the golden "kate and ordered to piek a harp. "I was a first prize luiiatic. It took your mother two hours to get me ready for bed. I had dried mullein leaves on my feet, salt pork and flaunel ou my chest, mustard piasters under iny armpits, a hot watel bag on my head, a wet sheet around my chest and. four blankets on top of that. On the inside of me- O Lord! I shudder at the thought- there were rum and molasses, whisky and honey, coal oil and sugar, quiniue and hot milk, lemon juioe and asafetida, limewater and spinach leaves, vinegar and sulphur, Dover's powders, and I guess I'd have swallowed blasting powder if any one had suggested it. "But I'm alive yet. The doctors pumped it all out of me after two hours' hard work. They told me if they hadn't arrived when they did I would have been wearing a wooden ulster now. "You see the fearful consequences of misplaced confidence." "Yes, pa," and the patiënt heaved a sigh.