Roundabouts

Jt is greatly to be feared that Mt. Clemens has outlived her chastity. Cornelius Phinney slipped and feil in Quincy, $5,000 worth. He ■sues. The Plymouth Mail is now eight years old and is a saucy, well-posted -"kid." The Plymouth citizens will make up a suitable shake purse if the band will brave the malaria with Saturday night concerts. It is complained that there is a lack of empty seats in the North Independence.Oakland Co , Sunday school. Perhaps Pontiac could lend a few. When Clinton people went to the .postoffice the other morning, they found that the postoffice wasn't there. It had been moved in the night. Four Farmington farmers took the cream off the cans before going to the cheese factory and were fined $40 by the association, and now they are bluer than skim milk. Charley Delong, of Vicksburg, Sundayed in town. - Nottawa Cor. Sturgis Democrat. That's not a way of expression that should be tolerated. lts a Nottawa. Stop it. "Contract no good! Cantón cannot hold the city on the bridge," yells the Lansing Republican. Calm.er citizens believe it could be done, jut would be a severe strain on the fjridge. Clinton town hall has new scenery. One scène represents a rocky pass, indicative of the flying rocks that will greet ttie first "rocky" company. Clinton taste tolerates .tío snides. A kennel of foxes will make sport at the Plymouth fair. There will be a fox chase each day. It is said that the foxes have become so used to being killed by dogs that they don't mind it at all. The little village of Warren, up near Mt. Clemens, has an ambition to rival herexperienced neigh'borand bids fair to do it. She had severa! fights and a church row all ia one week recently. She's getting there. Skinny Parker, a bad egg, of Adrián, ifted insulting rèmarks toward Mrs. George Fulton, and when her husband got through with him, his face looked like the map of Mexico, after one of the first battles. Northville people who bought soap of the fakir, on his promise to bring them clocks as premiums, which came not, are committing to memory that scripture which saith, "The fooi and his money are soon parted." Chas. Wing, of Clinton, has fearfully strained his back, by just lifting a bag of 5o-cent wheat. Probably the 25-cents tariff the republicans put on, to "protect" the farmer, was what shoved his vertebrae ■out of place. The editor of the Pinckney Dis■pateh tries to calrn those who are terrified at him and remarks soothingly: "Do not be afraid to stop us on the street at any time and give us items. We are always glad to receive them." The Conway forest fires were still raging last week, in spite of the ■rains. This fire was started by a party who having been bombarded in the neck and under the coat-tails ' by hornets, avenged himself. Not a. durn hornet is left. The editor of the Onsted News allows that he carne near dying the other night of "cholera asphyxia." When you get cholera that way, neighbor, it's Iiable to phyx ye very soon, unless a doctor is promptly on hand. - Adrián Press. The Mt. Clemens Press is totally ■disgusted and says: The Austin-Kelley fight at the opera house, last Thursday night, was a fake of the first water, and those who were outside the building saw a better scrap between two bath house rubbers. Eight or ten dirty, shiftless, ragged, begging Austrians are camping ■on the outskirts of the village. They have two cinnamon and one black bear with them, and they are the most reapectable looking members of the gang. - Tecumseh News. The Lord is nearly out of debt on His church at Pinckney. There was due on it $,208 but Rev. W. G. Stephens, after a powerful sermon, took the matter in hand and raised $182 of it out of the congregation, at a rate of $12.1313 a min.ute. The rest will come easy. Jf the Argus has not already said so, it meant to remark on the quarter century of life recently reached by the Ñorthfield Record. It is ■ one of the Argus' exchanges that 'ways get opened and the good ngs perused and often copied. Taöitor Neal is a man on whom no -winged insects collect - not even Daseba'il "flies." But he must quit - ving f rom the Argus and credïfitig to the Adrián Press. Stearns ean't stand everything. I The most scurvy-minded thief of the age Uves somewhere around Delta Center, Eaton county. He stole six traps that the cemetery sexton had set to catch woodchucks that were engaged in forcing the day of resurrection. May woodchucks drag his bones all over the county. Dan. M. Southworth, of Lansing, was not one of those fools who didn't know it was loaded. On the contrary he was well aware of it. Possessed of this valuable knowledge, Southworth monkeyed with it and now is short a little finger and has a bullet in the calf of his leg. The person who appropriated that rocker from the premises of J. B. Wallace a short time since, has been discovered, and to save the scandal of a public arrest, we advise the iramediate return of the property. - Wayne Review. Before it becarae such a venerable "chestnut" this cute dodge returned ruuch stolen property, but the scare is over, and the unknown thief rocks in security. Weary of running the race of life without legs, Felix Gallagher, of Medina, N. Y., court it short at Monroe, last week, by sawing off a jugular with a rusty pocket-knife. His legs were off at the knees, but he got about on the stumps and tried to sell poetry. Not being very successful, despair seized the poor fellow and the tragedy followed in his room at a hotel. We never drank a drop of intoxicants. - Adrián Press. Never heard of anyone else who did. A drop is almost too small a quantity to make much of a drink. Does the Press man dare say he never had a snake bite or the grip where a pint meant the saving of a coming congressman's life? - Northfield Record. Novi has probably the oldest person in Michigan as a resident. Mrs. Mary Ann Bush, who has been several times mentioned by the newspapers of the state, is still living in this village, and as the date of her birth was June 15, 1787, is consequently 107 years old. - Northville Record. The old man Pickering, of near Morenci, was thrown out of doors by his son Jake, and wife; but he got even by disclosing to the officers his son's theft of a harness and buffalo robe. Now Jake is in jail, and nobody can throw him out door. How sharper than a snake's molar it is to have an ungrateful father! The Lulu correspondent of the Petersburg Sun says of Populist Zable: "J. O. Zabel's speech at town hall was highly appreciated and endorsed by a number of our best citizens." Yes, Zabel is a "lulu" of populism and should the subtreasury scheme fail to fruit, he will look like a dried-up mullen stalk in a sheep pasture. We lift our tile to W. A. Boland, of Lynn, Mass. A remittance was received from him last week, paying for his paper four years and four months in advance! This beats the world's record. - Grass Lake News. It is learned that when this remittanee was received, the editor knocked off work for the rest of the week and is now negotiating for the George Gould vacht. Charles Wellhauser, of Willsville, Lenawee county, died last week, aged 73. Mr. Wellhauser was a Germán, and in his native country was a tailor. It was with no small pride that he claimed the distinction of having made a pair of white silk pantaloons for the king of Bavaria. But it must be remembered that hje was trained to reveré kings and emperors, and in the weakness of this education Mr. Wellhauser actually believed that there was more honor in making a pair of silk breechaloons for a crowned sprig, than for Dreher "the Dutch ditch digger." An enterprising citizen of Lansing s an undertaker, a furniture dealer and a coroner. He recently sold a man a bed, and the unlucky man was killed by the thing closing up and smothering him to death. The versatile merchant then ascertained the cause of death in his official capacity as coroner, and afterwards officiated in the mournful proceedings which followed. - Adrián Times. If the Japanese Remedy is a good thing, "Dr." Curtis, who lately sold it at Hudson, had better try it for a swelled face. At the close of his Hudson engagement he had an eye blacked and a storaach kicked in by one Myron Hyslop for being over-affectionate toward Hyslop's good looking housekeeper. Bunk Tiffany, Dundee's quota of the Grand Armyof Commonwealers, and representing the majority of laziness, has got home, after a tumultuous experience, having done 20 days at Buffalo, 10 days at Pittsburg and 5 at Allegheny City. The Reporter says: "He will content himself with occupying the 'bowery' on the banks of the Raisin, near the paper mili, during the continuance of fair weather, or while the 'growler' continúes to be rushed, and there with the 'statesmen' discuss and devise ways for guiding the 'old ship of state.' " The great game of ball between ! the editO'S of the Northville Record ! and the Plymouth Mail has been fought. The battle raged terrific' for four innings, and then merciful ! night sent down her black mantle of j smoke and darkness and hid the i frightful field, slippery with the sweat of more than one brave fellow. The score stood, at the caü, 36 for Northville to 35 for Plymouth. The editors of the Review and Mail did the umpiring, each wearing a coat of mail, double-soled at the back-guard and defended like a black thorn, with long, sharp spikes. Ben Isham begins to think troubles never come singly. Some one was dare-devil enough to cut the tail off, to within a few inches of the body, of a shepherd dog beionging to Ben. - Pinckney Dispatch. Our tears go for the dog, 1 while the Dispatch weeps princi pally for Ben. In what is he en-j titled to sympathy ? The folding bed got in its work on a Lansing man a few days ago and broke nis neck. Now let us pray that it catch some of those capítol fellows, who with a great parade of virtue moved out the folding bed, in answer to the demand of the legislature, and moved it in again. The people would with pleasure hear their necks crack. The Northville editor is a born theologian, and can give any of the Ann Arbor editors points on anything relating to the subject. -Wayne 1 Review. Just so. The rich man who held the telephone interview with Lazarus was full of theological information; but where was he at the time? Livingston will have no county fair this year, and the Fowlerville Observer invites the editor of the Livingston Republican to attend the Fowlerville fair, kindly assuring him a seat next to the band. And yet there are calumniators of the press who allege a want of fraternal feeling among newspaper men. John Hirsch, of Northfield, attended the big Sunday school rally at Detroit. On the way home he fancied that the coach he was in didn't fit him and he got out at Elm, to select another. The train went on without him. He walked in - twelve miles, and was so mad he could have whipped his wife, but was too tired. James Slocum.-irreverently called Jim, by those who are not within rea h of his fist - of the Holley Advertiser, has had the nerve to establish another paper at Clarkson,Oakland county. Since the passage of the new tariff bill, Bro. Slocum is regaining confidence. This gentleman has the reputation of a regular beauty, and yet is said to be fairly chaste. When Col March, of the Hillsdale Leader, stepped off a steamboat the other day, he discovered that he could not span the space between himself and the shore without splitting the republican party. He was advised to let 'er rip, but the Colonel was loyal to the party and would have drowned sooner than do it. When fished out he was asked how he feit and replied that he feit wet.