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Funny Things By Smith

Funny Things By Smith image
Parent Issue
Day
4
Month
October
Year
1895
Copyright
Public Domain
OCR Text

Herman Hutzel, a contractor, snes Ann Arhor for .5,000 damages and acqueduet back pay. The anionnt of escaping sewer gas from the mouths of the commoD oouncil requires "traps." The small-pill wing of the medical end of the University will this year have for its head Dr. Wilbert B. Hinsdale. It is hoped , that henceforth peace will reign and the "little pills" quit griping each other. The prospect of a Normal assault and battery team for the foot ball season, is' reported very fiattering. The University and other college teams are secnring enlistments and it looks now as though the campus killing season would open delightfnlly. The Milan Leader is fishing for a seat with the celestial orchestra, by assni'ing the publio that though some corn was stolen, no chickeus were missed during the late Methodist conference. A swarm of bees last week entered the kitchen of Mrs. Ayers,of Ypsilsnti, put the lady to the rout and made her a sudden convert to blooomerism. They also "hived" themselves in a corner and made it as hot as the whisky war, before they were dislodged. During a fierce storm last week a fire ball flew into the window of an Ypsilanti man and exploded with a report that could bo heard all over town,above the snore of the night pólice. Last year a meteor killed a horse over there. This was probably another horse killer. A deranged Saline farmer entered the office of the Washtenaw prosecuting attorney and informed his typewriter that she must quit the earth. She telephoned for the pólice and the Salineite was locked up. He is thonght to have been inoculated with peach yellows. Aen Arbor is moving in the matter of a $6,000 bonus which will secure a branch of the Hay & Todd dress stay factory of Ypsilanti. There has been so much kiokingabout municipal extravagance in the University city, that it is refreshing to see her tryingto "reduce the waist. ' ' A Teoumseh egg dealer, with considerable gray matter under bis bat, has invented a devico for detecting the health of eggs. A mirroi is placed iu the bottom of a box, above which is I a six dozen egg-crute. Tb,e operator squiuts throngh a slit in the top and I the reflection determines the state of ! the egg and whetber the chicken is a i rooster or a pullet. Dr. Kapp, of Manchester, attended a country small-pox patiënt aud charged $3 a visit. The law allows $1 and mileage one wuy. The inau lived and kifked on the bilí. Au Adrián doctor charged and got $35 per day. The patiënt died and there was no "'kick." Had the Washtenaw man died he would not be "kickiug" either. Kapps all, what people there are in the world. An Ann Arbor organ firin ships instruments to South África. As evid ence that nmsio will soothe tho savage breast, it may be stated on the authority of an escaped missionary that after dinner, Old King Mtzjxsunahainbezi, whohas just picked the bones of the last evangelist, dozes off to sleep wbenever his daughter, the fair Tzrhhinktomnini, ciad in a nose ring, sits down and plays "O, Willie, we have miased you." JWhat long suiïering Christiaus compose the Aun Arbor street comrnittee ! In a report to the council they recited at length the sore trials they endnred in investigating a grievance, and say "That all this they endnred witbon flinching, together with the irony, sar casrn, invective aud even insult amounting to a literal threat of viol ence." Ah, those noble martyrs "Help,Lord, for tne godly man ceaseth and from among the children of men the faithful fail." Night thieves had pretty nearly moved out the Weston Brothors,of Ypsi lanti. They resolved to wade in the gore of the thieves' blood and the othe night one of the brothers watched while the other went for a deputy sheriff Presently thieves appeared and up jumped the watchful brother who kuocked them down and ponnded them till they barely had sense enough lef to explain thafc they were the policeman and the other brother. All through life people make mistakes. Only a few of us are perfect. Miss Emma Bower, of the Ann Ar bor Democrat,recently elected treasurer of the scnool board, has filed a female bond of $40,000. Not a "horridman' on the paper - all women, every mother's son of them. But, gentle reader, don't snicker just yet. Hereby hangs a tale. The bond has been de clared iüvalid because some of the sureties are married and therefore saic to be irresponsible. It is a large sizec joke on the Benedicts of the Michigan Athens, that the women who marriec them are by that token held irresponsible. Discharge the snicker at this point. Meantime the bond has been accepeted and there is a flne nest of hairpins. The Ann Arbor Argus, one of the squarest and best democratie papers o; the state, bas added to its editorial force, Mr. E. J. Ottaway late managing editor of the Petoskey Daily Resorter. Mr. Ottaway comes from the camp meetings laden with an assortec htock of piety - grealty needed in bis new field - and brings to his work the supple attribntes of the weasel,the saga city of the trained reporter and the qualifciesof a thorough gentleman. He is also well soaked with the erndition of tbo University and though the smallness of his panzoic entirety might compel him to piek strawberriesjwith a step ladder his contemporaries who undersize his abilities by his pbysique will discover him to their cost the livliest little pill in the pacKage. Crime is beginning to bfi punished as it ought to be. In Branch county a man was fined $13 for nnsusing a dog anc an Ann Arbor man had to pay $2 for whipping his wife. - Adrián Press. The Press puts the questiou in such a shape that its sarcasm can be fully appreciated. The relative values placed upon women in Ann Arbor and dogs in Branch county is not creditable to the expoundrs of the law in the University City. Bat, it must be remembered,that a dog cannot speak for itself, and that ome women can speak for themselves - nd several others. Justice is repreented as blind, but its ears are ■always open. Perhaps this fact accounts for the

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Subjects
Ann Arbor Argus
Old News