Darius Green Gets Pointers

The Adrián Telegram is responsible for the following story of E. J. Smith'ê endeavors to learn to ride a bicycle. The subject of the sketch wlll be readily recognized by many of our readers as the genial, humorous paragrapher who was for sorne time connected with the Argus: E. J. Smith is now the "phunny" editor of a bike. He gets up early in the morning to crack jokes at the new fangled animal and crack his shins trying to tame it. Sometimes E. J. practiees in the alley back of this office. When he does all hands take a layoff and brace up the side of the building to keep E. J. from riding right through unto Maumee street. It is more fun than shooting off can,non crackers on the Fourth to see E. J. and his wheel going through the air at the rate of 180,000 miles a second, wrestling together in desperate agony, to see which can bang up against a brick wall with the greatest force. To E. J.'s credit, be it said, he generally wins the race and gets the flrst prize bumD. If he keeps up his practice in the rear of this office we shall be compelled to expend a large slice of the "promised wave" (when it gets here) tor a pneutnatic sectiou of cyclone insurance. E. is making headway, however, and we owe him no grudge. Still when we see him riding our way the best part of valor invites us to take to the woods. When E. J. mounts his wheel and starts down a street everything else moves off. It is nip and tuek between E. J and the wheel as to which is on top the oftenest. . It would take[a snap shot photograph to teil. and while we think a good deal of E. J., we want to put our money on the wheel. The only damage to E. J.'s anatomy so far reported up till this morning was the dislocation of the right shoulder, a pair of corrugated shins, three misplaced ribs, a wild and haggard look in the oft'eye, giving him a "hunti ed" appearance, indicative of othei wheels than those he is trying to ride. Added to these are a lacerated foot a parboiled but cast i ron expression ot couutenance and the loss of two fin gers. Thursday morning lie started out for a ride in the back alley and everybody in sight shuddered as he swooped down on the innocent child rnaking mud pies in the alley, all unconscious of danger. JBut the wheel suddenly rose in the air as if on pneumatic wings, anc eaping high over the little prattler knocked a cord of brick loóse from a corner of the Masonic Temple, jumpec a 10 foot wall back of Luther's grocery, clinubed the water pipe of the öalvation Arm y barracks, danced a highland fling on the roof, turning a doublé back action somersault ovei the Gibson house and disappeared in the directiou of Ilank Bowen's ice pond to cut a pigeon wing and its name in the ice. As all out door is not vet large enough for E. J. to turn árqund in. we presume the wheel is goiug still. We have telegraphed all our representativos to the north and west to keep a look out for the wreek and gather up what is leït of the remains and express them to Adrián at our expense, so tliat we may demand payment trom the relatives for the damage done our building, and get out an injunction to stop the funeral unless prompt settlement is made. E. J. is a good fellow and we are willing to keep nis memory green, but we draw the line on having the back wall of The Telegram building butted down, in bis efforts to edit that new bike.