Campaign Stories

SHARPE AND THE GOATS

A Time When a Republican Candidate Had to Don a Woman's Garb.

The Grass Lake News has the following story on John C. Sharpe:

Our old friend Sharpe who is running for senator in this district keenly relishes comical episodes, but not long ago was chief actor in something akin to that sort that really upset his good nature.

In June last John and his friend Joe Stetson drove down to W. H. Reed's farm on Grand River in Rives to angle for bass. They had tolerable luck and as the day declined, the afternoon being warm, both decided that a swim would be the proper caper.

They were soon breasting the crystal waters and leisurely swam across the bend to the bank opposite on J. Wright's small patch of ground. There they rested while John explained that were he Kinley he would cross the ocean, throw the entire power of this country against Spain, buck the life out of her by sheer momentum, catch, kill and stuff old Weyler just as a trophy, then lie back and fan while other nations came round with their hats off and applauded. The great achievement over, he twain once more took to the liquid element and slowly swam against the current toward their starting place. As they approached the bank Sharpe suddenly set up an unearthly yell, at the same time redoubling his strokes and pushing forward with all his might. Joe's blood curdled as his ear took in John's awful whoops, and his thoughts at first ran on man-eating sharks, but glancing shoreward he saw the cause of the trouble. A drove of goats were lunching on John's wearing apparel! In disrobing he had thoughtlessly thrown his outfit on the ground, but Joe, more fortunate, had tossed his upon the bushed.

The swimmers were soon on terra firma and the goats put to flight. A few rags were all that remained of the small clothes; the coat and vest had wholly disappeared, while both legs of the pants were eaten off and gone! He looked dreamy and dazed, our friend John did. He was speechless. Words, expressive of his feelings, had not existence whatever. But when the reaction came and the Johnstown dam of his pent up emotions gave way, he roared,

"This is a -- pretty kettle of fish!!!"

Joe assented with a diabolical grin.

"What am I to do?" came in despairing accents. Joe didn't know. "Have got to monkey home in this toilet and take to the brush every time we meet anybody?" Joe was mum. "I'll be the laughing stock of the whole county! -- the goats!" It was finally decided that Joe should go to a small tenant house not far away and see if he could not make a raise of some clothing. On repairing thither he found a fat Irish woman at home, to whom he made known his errand. She said her husband "hadn't a dud barrin' whut war on hiz boddy; beside he wur away at ditching, puir mon, and she herself had leele, but was a leddy." At last Joe, who must have something, secured an old wrapper with one arm off, and an unstarched sunbonnet, for John's hat was gone, and departed. Rejoining his friend he produced the faded gown.

There was no help for it. The gifted statesman and orator whose eloquence had held thousands spell-bound and whose profound statutory conceptions had enriched the legal code of Michigan, was obliged to lift up that begrimed drapery and let it down over his head. After it was fastened at the neck and buttoned over his snowy bosom, he craned his neck and scanned himself. "Ain't I a pretty looking nymph?" he queried, then glancing at his naked arm he ejaculated as his lip curled in irony, "Blanked if I ain't half a mind to yank off the other arm of this dress, then rip out the front, and go in low neck and short sleeves." No, he did not smile, but Joe did. Joe rolled on the ground and yelled. John told him he "acted like a fool!"

They stole from that place in the gloaming, climbed into their spring wagon and bowled rapidly towards home. It was a picturesque spectacle. The old sun-bonnet flopped about John's face with every wabble of the vehicle, and in the twilight he seemed of immense size in the faded, almost white, wrapper. They finally reached the Sharpe domicile and as John bolted in, he was greeted with uncontrollable laughter.