Wit And Humor

The mark of cane - dust on the unruly scbool-boy'a jacket. When a man's curiosity is piqued, he asks sharp questions. A blacksmith is a bettor authority than Hoyle on "old sledge." The sailor wbose grog allowance was cut off faid it was a dry doek. Many of tbe new suminer books in press will be boand in muslin. " Parcwell, my hone," sang the barber, as he saw a thief making off with it. The prevailing style in spring bilis is to wear them much longer than usual, bef'ore being paid. Ot what stuff are candidates made ? - New York Express. Rhinoceros hide, and all that's tough.- Whitehall Times. " In measles, as in elopemants," casually remarks the Lockport Union "everybody wants to see the rash proeoeding." The sherry cobbler drinker is a dr wning man, if one may judge by the way he catches at straws. The tnmhle with the ten cent chunk of icothisyear is that it bas been hal ved in size and doubled in prioe. When süiuu politieians are weighed they are found waniing evcry office in whioh there is a vacancy. Horae is the dearest place on oarth - wlu-n the wil'e Btcivea to keep ahead of all her neighbors in style. The uian who drives tlio boaviost wagon luis the bist show on the n ad. Everybody has tu turn out for liim. In ano ent Mexico it was the custom to sacrafice human beings to the gods. Tliis was a case whcre several wrongs made a rite. " Btb, what's steaiu?" "Bojling water." " 'J'hat' njrht, - compare it." "l'os itive boil, comparative boller, superlativo burst." The Philadelphia policeman who (urned to stone is, strauge as it may secm, i gre-uter curiosity tban the one who turned rito a beer saloon. The other night, in a Missouri town, a thief, biing cauglit in a man's cellar, expliiincd that he was rhero to get out ot' the way of a cyclone. Authors ari! spoken of as dwelling in atura, because so tew of hem are able to live on their first story. Atmospherical knowledge is not thoroughly diKiributed to our schools. A boy being asked, " What is mist?" vaguely responded, "An umbrella." "When I was your nge," said old Mr. Tret, "Irose with the 'ark.' "I beat you clear out of sight, thun," said Torn, wearily and triumphantly, "I have been up :ill nighl with him." What is the differenee between a stylish young lady's cranium and a bammock? One is a banged head and the other is a haneed bed. (All rights reserved.) - Quincy Modern Argo. Ah Foo Woo is a Boston Chinaman. His name sounds like tbe shivering of a woman when she gets out of bed on a win;er mo.rnine and stens her hnn feet. on tbe cold oil-cloth. When you see a man take off his hat to you it is a sign that he respects you. But ivhen be is seen divesting himself of his coat you can mak e up your mind that he ntends to inake you respect hiui. He had one sop hanged, anothcr in the San Quentin penitentiary.and his wife bad eloped with a chromo peddler. " Have you any family ?" he was asked by a fellowjassenger. " None to gpeak of," was the rompt retort. The Chinese have a proverb to the effect hut if you keep a serpent in a bambo it remains straight, but directly youlet it out, t n sumes itr crooked nature. So it is with many men. They are placed in circumstances which act as a restraint. Frof. Karl F. Kray, of Stephens Instiute, declares that the molecule (the last anulysis of matter) is about one five-hunIred-millionth of an inch wide. It is )leasant to have fuch a matter settled, so hat when one is hungry he may know how many to order.- Andrews' Queen. "Ah! my darling wife," said George he weck alter marriage. "if your husband ¦ere to die what would you do?" "Idon't tnow, I'in sure, George," said the wife, reflectively, " I never thought of that. I must look in my 'book of ettiquette' and read the mies tor yeung widows. " "Say, John," said a local politician to a Tulton street Chinamau, the otber. day 'are you naturalized ?" "Yes, I nlatuarlzed ; I votee allee time samee Melican man, one flive, tien time." " Who are 'ougoing to vote for?" " I votee Washee - iVash - what you callee him? Allee same Chinaman? Washceliurne. 1 allee time mhlican, allee time. Publican makec bliziess Chinaman. Democlat my so. Pub ican got bloody shlirt. Chinaman vlotee allee samee publican and giet job wasbee hlirt. Tion cent. I votee Washccbourne onr, flivo. tien time."