General Hancock's Fainting Fit

Goveknoii's Island (which i.s m the state uv Noo York), Aug., 1880.- The noospapers are f'ull uv an akkount uv Gineral Ilancock's faintin' in the prcscncc uv two delegashions wich cal led on him. Tho troo history uv tlie caie ia tliis : Wo have a electoric arrangement frOB the ante-room wliere I stand tu tile gineral's room. There aro 60 keys uiarked with the states and the shades uv opiniyon wicli makes up the dimikratio party. Thus one ruarked "Noo York - hard money," and another "Loozcaner - secesh," and so on. My dooty u to adtnit only one party at a time to sec the gineral, and to nqtify him in advance wat priociples the visitin' party perfesscd, tliat our eandidate may mako no mistakes. For instanoe, ther comes a man from Pcniisylvauy. It is my dooty to fiud wat his noshuns ure on the tariff. I ask liim, to begin with, how trade is. Ile answorn, "Kully." Then 1 y, "How does the present tariff work for you?" He sez Bully," wunst more, and then I know all about it. He is interested in manufacters, and is a high tariff man. Theu the matter iooks eomparatively simple. I tetch a key wieli ia marked "Penniylvany - tariff," and sond him into the proijcnee, and Gineral Hancock knows eggsaotly wat to say to him, and he ser it, and sends him away happy. Ef the visitor is from Illinoy, and happens to be a free tradcr, a key is tetched so labled, and the gineral also knows wat to say to liim. The same rooi npplics to all other visitors. We hev oz many ez thero are shades uy opinyun in the party. It requirus a gignntic intelleck to keep the run uv 'om, and that is why I okkepy that responsible position. Uv course I make mistakes oceasionally, for no man kin keep the track uv such diversily uv opinyun. 1 did tetch the key marked "war dimikrat" for a secesh major from Loozeaner, and ho eame out in a towering rage at being informod by the gineral that he shood never bc satisfied till every man wioh boro anus in the confederacy lied passed away, that wc mite hev peaic ; and it wuz a mistake when I tetched the key markt "confederacy," and sent in a Wisoonsin farmer wich hed two sona killed at Anteitam. The old man didn't like to bc told that confedrit aojers shood hev the same penshuns as the northern hirelins, which invaded the south so brootally. But the trouble referred to okkurrcd yesterday. There cum a delegashun uv whitc-hatted men from Maine and Injeany, wieh wanted to consult the gineral ez to his vews on the grate question uv unlimitod greenbax, andjist at the same minit there cum a delegiahurj from the city of N(io York, wich wuz a goin' to demand a expreshn ez to hönest money. I insisted that but oue delegashun .shood go in at a time, and er, the Injeany uien wuz necre.st the door, I tetched the soft money key and asléd 'cm in. Tho hard money uien hustlcd them aside, and thinking they wood push in firt, I tetched the hard money key. This demoralized the gineral, and to add to the horror uv the accident, they both pushed past me, and rushod in altogethor. Then a scène ensood which baffles descriptiou. "Wat we want tokuow," said thespokeamant uv the Injeany and Maine delcgasliun. "in the event uv yoor eleckshun, is tho kentry to hev onlimited money aud connekent prosperity r' "Wat wo wiuit to know," said the hed uy the Noo York delegashun, "is, of the dimocrisy suceceds, are we to hev honest money, and i- the nashnel debt to be paid in gold ?" The gineral turned pale and looked at me imploringly. He was not okal to tho emergency, but l wuz. I whispered in his car " Faint," and seezed him in my arms. Takin the hint he drawed a long sigk, and feil out ov his chair, senselis, to all MIVSDl " Gentlemen," sed I, "our noble candidato hez bin over-worked, and nachor asserts herseli'. Will you please retire wliüi I bring hiui to?" . They went out and the gineral got up. " Aro they all jrone 't" he asked. 4. " They are all gone," said I. "ïhero must be a new plan fixed," said he. " 1 uan't keep on faintin in tuis way till the fust ov November. The ncxt time tliis happens I shel faint in ded earnest, and it will bc no sham." 3 Wat we shel do I don't know. It wus sejested that our candidate take an extended European trip, but ef he does that we loose the effeck uv his superb face and figger, wioh is wat we nomínate dhim fur. If we keep hiui here and yootiiize that, we run the risk ov Uavin him talked to wich is fatle. We hev the matter undcr consultashen now, but hev not bin able to come to any eonclooshen. I wish to heven I cood be keeper to Garfeeld. His men hez a softthing uv t. The cussid republikins hevn't but ono set ov opinyons and ther ain't no trouble about that. Garfeeld's door koeper he sets and admits everybody, without askin uo questions, and hez nothin wbatever to do cepin to say "walk in, gintlcmen." And they go in and Garfeeld talks to all uv 'em, and ther ain't no rows, and no financeorin, nor nothin. It requires" moro engineerin to be a demikrat. We have too extensivo a set up principie.0, aud they require too great a stradlo to kiver 'em all. 1 wish to hcaven tho first ov November wuz horo. Thi.s kind uv a think is alltogether too wearin on a not üvorstronir constitooslien.