Wit And Humor

lYople get down in the uiouth bccause itaey ;iri' not up in the world. Stilted opera Bingers hold the mistaken iilcik that one must B flat to R natural. The fellow who asked for a lock of his jtirl's hair was informed that " It costa iiioney, liair does." Why are wonien archers by nature .' BeCMIte the bent of their inclinations is to bond a beau. 1 'l Jl A philosopher lias discovered that men don't object to be over-rated except by asThe most appropriate society for a bungling printer to join would be the Phi Maka Pi society. The next pupil, who spelled chimney correctly, was told by hiá teacher to go up one - but he (lid not want to. " Bridget, thisdustupon the furniture is intolerable. What shall I do?]' M Do as I do, marm, pay noattention to it." If you own an old house, a mill-pond and a side-hill, witb a cherry tree on it, advcrtise it as sumuier resort. A colored lady, boasting the other day of the progresa made by her non in arithmetic, exultingly said, " He'sin the mortification table." Borrowers of trouble are promptcr in their payments than borrowers of money. The man who invests his moncy in mines must, in order to be sueeessful, mine his own business. When ycu hcarof a monoy drawer nfled, you will not be surprised to know that it contents liave gone off. A nod fellow- He whoean't.keep awake in church. " These are ruy palmy days, the urchin remarked when his raother boxed his ears. " Well," said the tailor, " I took you for a man who would be sorry : but if you are sonier than I am, I'll quit. Three scruples make one_ dram, and yet niuny a man take a dram without any scruples whatever. I sot me down in thouglit profonnd, tbi-j wise maxiiu drew : lts easier for you toluv a gal, than maik a gal luv you?- Josh Billinn. The poor old negro preacher was more than halfright when he said : " Bredderin, if w p.niilH :ill sne into our own hearts as God does, it would uios' skccr us to dealh." "I kisscd her 'neath the cold pale stars," bceina the song, aod an exchangc says. " Seenis to us it would be more salisfactory to perform the cereiuony 'neath her cold, pale nose. " He thut fails ml runs awny, May have to pajr anotlier day ; Kul li who credltore delleH, May stay at home and compromiso. Hug sociables are now talked of, but oannot be approved. It 8 proposed to charge ton cents to hug any one between titteen and twenty ; five cents trom twenty to thirty ; one dollar to hug another man' wife ; old maids two fora nickle, while female leoturera are f'ree, with a chromo thrown in. 'Tis easicr to rush into print than into office. Saidhe: "Let usbeone." And she was won. A strain of music- tightening the strings of a violin. A "squeeze in grain "- Treading on a man's corns. TUe pay school is the place of hire educa tiou. A hollow mockery- A mismatehed stovepipe. "Mine, uiiner, minus!" This is the general upshot of speculation in mining stock. A square man deserves to have a large circle of acquaintance. The smal lest kind of a yellow dog is a terrier to evil doers. Comets are wearing as long tr&ins this scason as usual. Form of telegram to yonr nhoemker - Make me another pairexactly like my last. - Punch. Kisses sweeten a farewell. They are the creain of tata, as it were. "Anty, vat makes the little baby cry so? Do it want its mudder?" " Yes, dear, and its fodder, too !" ( 'oal is so black that it is wonderful how a dealer oan make a ton so light.- New Orleans Picayune. The girl who bangs her hair oi'ten makes the wife who bangs her husband's. The youcg man who was kicked out of his girl's house very properly styled her father a free booter. Presad comed beef, in a cultured family, goei a good deal further than pressed au tunan leaves. When a Boston man invites you to dinner, and beadsa postscript N. B., he means " no beans." A determination to be honest is an appropriation for the improvement ofthe river or Hfti. Every printer is a galley slave.- Yonkers Gazette. Yes, and his wife is the gal he slaves for.- Boston Com. Bulletin. "What does a woman want to put on gloves in hot weather for ?" asks a male Mubscriber. Why to keep her hand in, stupld. ft " Oh, dear! I wish I was dead ! " exclaimed a neglected niaiden. Sbe had heard that matches are made in Heaven. "Never mistake perspiration for inspiration," said an old minister in his charge to a young pastor just being ordained. This paper is down on all rings. - Ex. Wliat is the matter with the engagement ring ? Or the ring of the dinner helt? Consoling : Poor autbor - "Heavens, what a pain there is in my head!" llis wife - " Complaining of that ! You ought to be thankful there is anything in it. " " I teil you," says a rabid free thinker, " the idea that there is a God never comes into my head." "Ah, precisely like my dog. But there is this difference - he doesn't go round howling about it." The man who died game was never known to quail. - Boston Transcript. No, but lie woodcock his gun at the wrong time, and now he is an angel without a shooting jacket. - New Haven Register. We see by the Milwaukee Sentinel that Daniel Webster died twenty-eight yers ugo. The Milwaukee papers are constantly hunting up some fresh sensational item like this, and springing it upon an unprepared public. The writer for the press always has 4wo chances. One is that his matter may be crowded out for want of room, and another is that it may go in for want of somethJDg better in its place.- N. O. Picayune. Spriggins says he doesn't see why people pay a clergyman to solemnize their marriages. He thinks they will find marriage solemn enough without eztraneous and mercenary aid. Many forms of bick excuses have been handed to the facully, but a receDtono oompletely paralyzed him. " Prof. X : Please excuse my absence trom college duties last Monday and Tuesday. I was confined to uiy room by seasicknesa. - Yale Record. Said the angry judge to tbe lawyer : " The prisoner would steal horses, and I consider you no better!" And tbe lawyer said he flattered himself'that he did koow better, and wishedhe eould return the compliment, with justice. And this wan one ut' the ruoat enjoyable incident of the trial - for the audience.