Truthful Tales

"What's the matter here?" demanüed a policeman sternly of a man and wuinan, who were belaboring each other with umbrellas on the street the other day. "Stop tliis. now, and more off, or 111 lock you ii])." "This villain wouldn't get off the crosgwalk so I could pass, and made me walk n the mud," panted the woman, is she thwacked the mau on the ear imd brouglit water to hit eyes. "I didn't either," shouted the man, as he brought his umbrella down on the top of her head ; "she wants the whole street to get around in, andshetried to shove me off the walk." " Why couldn't he stand up on that lump iustead of making me walk through the water? and mea woman," and she clipped him under the juw with a dexterity he couldn't anticípate. "Move on, now," exclaimed the policeman. "Get out of this quick, or I'll take you in. Aint you ashamed of yoursel ves?" "Isn'ttliat cross-walk public? Haven't I got a right on it," demanded the man, wliirüng lus umbrella around his head and landing it on her chin. "Is there any law conipeüing me to stand in the mud when she's out doors?" " man ougkt always to glve way to a woman." argued the policeimin. "Of course he ought," coincided the woman, gmashing her opponent's hat over his eyes, and following itup with :i prodigious thump in his ribs. If he had anything of i niatfs spirit, he'd waited for me to cross over insteail of pushing me in the rtash." and she banged him across the nosc. "lm not strong, and I know I've caught my death of cold." ¦ Serves you right !" yelled the man, M he fetchedheraU-rrinV lick across the neck. "Vou ought to die. There aiu't room ui this world for you. " "I had, had I?" shrieked the woman, juhbing the ferule of her umbrella into his mouth. "Ain't room for me here, ain't there ?" and she cracked him viciously on thesknll. 'Serves me right, does it?" and she belted him across the eyes and seated him in the mud. "You stay there now, t il 1 Fm out of alght, and if you move I'll send you home looking like you had been engaged ín business with a buzz saw," and she tlred the remanís of her weapon at him and stalked off triumphantly.- Gail Haniilton. II IS WAK KKCORD. "Tliem war reminiscences of yourn is tnighty interesting," piped in a little man trom behind the stove, as a sort of silence feil on the rest of the loungers. '"Tliey remind me of when I was in command of the confedérate forcea at Vlcksburg." 'ine crowa iiniiiugt-a iweii, mia Kiuvcü admlringly at the little man. "And were you in the reb - confedérate service ?'' asked a one-legged man. " I was," modest I v conceded the man behind the stove. "Don't you remember whn the one hundred and fourth Florida cavalry charged your outworks on the sec ond slope, and you all took to your riflepits to the rear?" They all admitted they had been in the army of the Potomac. "Itseems to me," said the little man to the one-legged man, "that your face is fa miliar to me. Don't you remember whei the second Georgia broke your left at Cold Harbor? Wasirt you acting aid-de-cam] for General Reynolds?" "No," hesitated the one-leKi!el man, pok ing the tire with utineoessary tifor. "Hut," contiinied the little man, "you must have been at Gettysburg, and you must have seen me when I charged you right and tqmed you back townra the cem etery." "Let me sec," fidgeted the one-leggec man, "was that the nrst or second day i" "That was the second day," reapoudet the little man, qtiivcring with excltement "I wasn't in the second day's flght," sak the one-legged man, helplcssly. "Then yon must recollect my artillery charge on the first day, when I broke you centre !" shouted the little man, clutching nervoucly at the other's coat. "No, I - I was nu a fiirlough. I wasn' there."- shrieked the one-legged man. "Where'd you lose your leg?" howlet the little man, "what battle was you in?" "I asu't in any, " nioaned the one-leg ged man. "I lost inv le; on I tm.z-saw,' and out he went precipitately. "Strange," muttered the little man, ash fillcil hut pipe. "When you come to figure dowu these here war remioUceBCea they al didn't happen." - Free Lance. A CANAL VENDETTA. Mr., or, more properly, Capt. Michae McKtnna lius coinuianded the canal hou Morris, of Morristown, for the last aix reut Those who are intimately acquainted witl him agree that he is an admirable canal boatman, an upright and athletic citizen 1 and a "fir9t-e!as#husband entirely." In n way inferior to Capt. McKenna is Capt. Denis Quinn, of the canal boat Liza An. 'hese two excellent inland mariners are leculiarlr happy in their domestic relations. Irs. McKenna is n most admirable woman, mi is an intimate friend of Mrs. Quinn. t was a touchingsightto fee the two ladies ïangingout thcir week's washing on the [iiarter-deck, and addressing each other as ilt:ir Miv MrKlMltlH." juni "Miipftr Ylrs. Quinn." what time the two captains ounged on their respective tillers, andcalled each other "Mikc, me boy." and "Dennis, ould man." The Morris and Liza An were t in boati and, with the exeeption that the fonner't brward towing-post was inuch larger than that of the latter, it was difflcultto flnd any obtrusive differenoe between thera. Mrs. Quilín and Mrs. McKenna took delight in fitting up their respective cabins with atoclsely the same style of furniture, and they often remarked tíiat they really conld not ;ell which one looked tiie more like the other. As is the fasliion wiih niaiiy large canal-boats. the Morris and tlie LizaAn were built doublé; that is to say, they each eonsisted of twodistinct halvcs. faateñcd tojether end to end. On a dark night In the [atter part of October last the boats rearhed the basin at about one o'clock in the moruing. The halves of the boats were quickly and quietly disconnected, and were smoothly and safely drawn up to the basin abOYe. Feeling somewhat tired byexertions of the niachinery. the two captains entered a neighboring bar-room and refreshed them8elve8before couplingtogether the disunited boats. After a good deal of refreshment they coupled their boats, and proceeded to turn in. As Captain McKenna entered thecabin and pulled ofl" bJghoott, he wns aimuci .,. Mrs. Ouinu ïittioa upright in the bed lawfully belonglng to Mrs. McKenna, and addressing him thief anda murderer. At the same moment other shrieks were heard from the oabin Of the other boat, where Mrs. McKenna was calling in ngonizing tones for her "mvn Mike," and, so far as could be Judged trom the noise and her well known. temperament, wte kiiugiuu aoiuuLoil, ua thf lii.nl !ll a club. Killed with rage at the thought that Mrs. .McKenna was in danger, Capt. McKenna rughed on deck at the same moment that Capt. Quinn rushed from the presence of the ntünat"d Mrs. McKenna. As each captain law the other emerging from the cabin which sheltered the wrong wife, a life-long friendship vanished in an instant. The two captains feil upon one another with clubs, and began a desperate battle. Their wives presently caine on deck, lijjhtly ciad, but arméd, one with a frying-pan and the other with a tlour-roller, ajid joined in the fray, beatitig the intermirigled husbands asthey rolled on the deck with great impartiality. The battle lasted for 30111e time without manifest inelmatioti of victory to either sidc, when Mi-s. Quinn and Mrs. McKenna accidentally knocked themselves overboard, compelling the two captains to prodaiói a truce and to Jump into the canal for their drowning wlves. With the latter they clung to the raüden of the two canal-boats un til tlicy were ti-lied out by the pólice and carrlea to tlie ïiuspital to be repaircd. The fact that the after-part of the Morris was accidentally coupled to the forward part of the Liza An, and the after-part of the Liza An to the fonvrd part of thcMorris, was the cause of the mistake which caused the terrible and, it is to be fetired, lasting feud bfltween the housesof McKennaaiul Quinn. - Mrs. 1). E X. C. Soiithworth. MAKEL AND AUTIIUB. "You cannot have my daughter, sir." These words were spoken in a stern tone by John McW'hirter, (he rich banker. to Arthur Ansleigh, a noble looking young man of twenty-two autumns, who stood in a haughtily detiant attitude belore t he pona proud millionaire, whose pedigree traeed back to a pork-packing house, while Arthur's ancestors were among the earllMt gaugers in the country. Uut inisfortune and revenue offleers had overtaken many of them, and the family estates had long since passed into the liands of the lawyeiS who defended the cases. "Ueware, old man," laid Arthur. "Sonte dy you will bitterly repent this action. Mabel and I love each other dearly. Nothing but death can separate us" - and, as the frontdoor clanged heavily at his back, tlie tear-stained face of Mabel might have been een peering over the banisters. The year strode on apace. It might just as well havegone on n trot, but lt prcftrii-fl u pttCtS. Mabel knew this. Slie also lenew that it would be neces8ary ere long to have a mw bonnet and some Easter hose and tliinjrs. Uut she Aid not despair. Often, when lui mother caine unexpectedly Into the room and found her WMptag, she would pass the matter off lightly, sayingit was only abook slie liad been reading that made her feel bad. "1 must not glve it away," she would say sadly to herself. "My darling mamma bas enough to bear, figurinjr to get a seal-skin sacque out of the old gent; heaven forefer.d that I should add to he welght of woe." Arthur was sick. Sicker than a horse. [Whooriginated this comparison ? Nobody knows. It is something that has come down to us from the diin vista of the past, when horses were worth more than men. Dim vista is a pretty good expression to ring in on the unsusj)ecting reader. It make him think you are a fly on language.] Arthur wasdeadly palc. He thought liis time had come. There whs a rap at the door; a man came in. He had a bottle of picklfs. Arthur was saved. There is nothing like pickles to sober up on. Mabel sat at the piano, her ftngers wandeling listlessly over the keys. Suddeuly she begun to play in a weird, inelancholy strain that reminded one of u fugue. There is nothing so weird as a fugue well played. It beats a dog for keeping people away from the house. The girl's father enterea the house unperceived, and stood ifiently in the parlor door gazingat hischild. Suddi nlv the musiceeascd, and Mabel sat looking wistfully out of the window. Onee again she turned to the piano, and as the first notes of "JEmpty is the Cradle, Uaby's Gone," reached the old man he wem sadly away. Every man has limit. Mabel had not seen him, and sang the song through. On rising from the piano, she noticed her sire's overshoes in the front hall, and knew that he must have heard her singing. "Good heavens!" she exclaimed, a sense of her position flashing across lier mind- "I have cooked iny goose, now, for sure.' The next night Arthur ngain asked foi Mabel's hand. For au instant her fathei heskated, but just the his eye wandere idly to the piano, and he saw in tlie rack 1 piece of music. "Take her, my boy. hi said, suddenly and earncstly, 10 Aithur "Heaven help - 110, bless you." Can you guess wliat tliat piece of inusk was? I should blush to giggle.- Heniy Jame-' Jr. ' It was their first night atoard the steamer. "At last," he eaid, tenderly. " we art all alone, out upon the deep water of the dark blue sea; anti your haart will alwari beat for me, as t bas beat in the pust F ' ' Mv heart's uil right,'" she answered, languidly ; " but my stomach feels awful." Troubles of a millionaire: A few days since Jay Gould was seen to look long and ameMly at the rooon througli a tel, and then turn away witli a dWomsolate sigh. A railroml track cannot be laul on air.