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Bicentennial

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Parent Issue
Day
30
Month
July
Year
1975
OCR Text

"I was in the bedroom there rolling up a little grass and I look up to find these cocksuckers all staring at me like a bunch of fish. So I grab this pistol here, beat the cop to the draw and tie the sonsabitches all up." Hank fired the gun again pinging a B.B. off the cop's badge. The cop's face grew red under his gag. "Well, what do they want? What are they here for?" asked Soup Can. "They were assigned to spy on me." "What?" "That's what they said. They said the Government sent them here to spy on me. That's all they'll say." "Yeah," said Soup Can, "but an Indian ChiefT' "Well, l've decided that the Indian Chief is the only straight one in the bunch. While 1 was tying him up there he told me the only reason he had come along was that Washington couldn't break up a set. He said he's been with the doctor and the lawyer ever since he can remember. Has to go everywhere with them. Poor bastard. All he really wants to do is to go back up to his tribe in northern Michigan." Hank lit another joint and passed it to Soup Can. "So there you are," he said. "Now what do you think I ought to do?" "I don't know," Soup Can said. "Maybe you should take off their gags. lt might be interesting to hear what they have to say." Soup Can took a drag off the joint. The prisoners were all sweating and looking big-eyed at Hank and Soup Can. "Take the gags off, eh?" Hank looked at Soup Can. "Might do, might do." The nun's gag came off first. "Oh, please, please, please," she moaned. "God save us. Ohhhhh...." The nun cast her eyes up in the air. "You're under arrest!" said the cop as his gag came off. "You're under arrest!" "Now look here," said the doctor. Hank and Soup Can had removed all the gags and were in their chairs again. "You have to let us go. I have a wife and kids. I haVe a practice to think about." "You're under arrest for the acid murder of Patsy Johnson!" said the cop. '"What about me?" said the Indian chief. "My only problem be I no can get away from doctor or lawyer." The Indian looked at Hank. "Let me go and keep them here, hun?" "Shut up!.. said the lawyer. "Stupid Indian bastard. You've caused us nothing but grief ever since you've been along." "Fuck you, lawyer," said the Indian. He looked pleadingly at Hank. "Come on. Please let me go. I no give you trouble. Untie me and keep them here." "Well, I don't know," said Hank. The doctor looked at the Indian Chief. "Be realistic about it, Chief, for God's sake. He should let us all go. If you're unhappy with us, why we'll work something else out." "Yeah," said the lawyer. Hank stood up and began pacing the floor in front of the prisoners. "I'U teil you what," he said. "I will let you go. All of you. On one condition." "Anything," said the doctor, "anything." "You're under arrest," said the cop. "For axe murder. You cut up that little Mary Bryant with the axe. You are under arrest." "Keep quiet!" said the lawyer in a harsh whisper. "Didn't you hear him? Jesus..." "Now," said Hank, rubbing his chin. "You are all to repeat after me the following vow: I, and then your names, do solemnly swear never again to stay up watching the T.V., or to believe any advertisement, or to go to war, or the movies, or to buy any of the funny products they put out these days. I will shed all garments of respectability and re-evaluate my life. "To abet you in this the following conditions will also prevail: You, the nun, will of course become an easy make. You, the cop- and I hope you realize how generous Vm being to you--will become a zealous pacifist, a vegetarían, and will find work in a flour mili. You, the doctor, will admit that your schooling was not worth the effort. You will leave your practice and become a goat herder. You, the lawyer, must dedícate the rest of your life to the defense of Lenny Bruce. "None of the foregoing applies to the Indian Chief. You'll remain an Indian ('liief and return to your tribe. You've gone through enough as it is." After Hank had secured signed statements from the prisoners he released them. At once they started stretching and shaking the kinks out of their bodies. Some smiled. lt was good to be alive. The doctor walked over to Hank. "Do I have to be a goat herder?" he asked rubbing his wrists. "Couldn't I be something else? Maybe have a little drug store or something?" Hank barked, "Do you want to be tied up again?" "Oh, I'll be the goat herder," sighed the doctor. He lowered his head and walked away. The lawyer feit jolly and fresh. He straightened out his coat. "Now, who's this Lenny Bruce?" he asked Hank. "I appreciate your generosity in allowing me to maintain my practice and would like to start to work at once. Bruce, Bruce," said the lawyer, "hmmm, sounds familiar."' Soup Can was feeling pretty good. He walked over to shake the Indian C'hiefs hand. "I really hope thingsgo all right for you now, Chief." he said. "Yes, it will." The Indian held to the la pels of his buckskins and nodded in the directton of the doctor and the lawyer. "Now that they're off my back is fine. I go back to Cross Village now. lt be all right." Hank's voice arrested Soup Can's and the Indian's attention. "Before any of you leave," he said, standing in the center of the room, "I'd like to give you a little token in appreciation for your cooperation in this matter. Just a little something which I think might disperse any animosities you might still bear against me. Soup Can, if you'd be good enough..." Hank pointed toward the kitchen. Soup Can returned from the kitchen with a large-bowled pipe filled with marijuana. He gave the pipe to Hank. Hank lit the pipe and it was passed around. The nun went out at once and tried to put the make on the cop. "Hey, you're undër arrest," said the cop. "Watch it. Come on." But after a few more tokes on the pipe the cop softened and threw his badge across the room. The nun, with a yell of glee, threw her habit away and followed her lover into the bedroom. Soup Can, Hank, the doctor, the lawyer and the Indian Chief sat on the floor and passed the pipe around. "A goat herder," laughed the doctor. "Oh, no." He rocked back and forth on the floor. "Here goat, here goat. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH." The lawyer got up on his hands and knees and started braying like a goat. "Where's a tin can," he said. "ï'm a goat Us goats eat anything. Where's a tin can." The doctor climbed astride the lawyer's back and slapped him on the ass. "Come on you goat. Let's go find Lenny Bruce. AHAHAHAHA..." Soup Can was stoned. He looked at the Indian Chief. The Indian sat with his hands and legs folded, a scowl on his face. A beautiful-looking Indian Chief, thought Soup Can, but his mind was beginning to stand up and he could not think anything any more. He was stoned and there he was going up and up and up...He saw Will Rogers and Eugene O'Neill playing Ty Cobb and Lee Harvey Oswald in a game of horse shoes. "Whew." said Soup Can when he carne back down, but when he focussed his eyes again he wondered if he had come down. The Cumberland Gap was in the room. So was the girl he had been with earlier. "You all riglit, man?" Hank was shaking hini. "You were out for about ten minutes." Soup Can was aware of Ilank's smile "We got more guests." Everyone was smoking pipeloads of marijuana. The doctor was up on the Cumberland Gap. "Eeeeeeeeeya, eeeeeeeeya," he roared. "There's goats on this gap. There's goats on the Cumberland Gap." The Cumberland Gap looked ovei at Soup Can and shrugged. "I got bamboozled again," the Cumberland Gap said. 'Tm back here now. The Cobo Hall, this place-one's as good as the other." The girl was sharing a pipe with the Gap. Soup Can tried to gel the girl's uttention, but the girl had eyes for the Gap. Soup Can's last thought before he flaked out luid to do with the future. Soup Can woke up út two hours. He awoke startled and coukl nol remember where he was. Then he could. The room was empty, save for the discarded pipes, a few Coke bottles and other lifter iliat was strewn around on the floor. Soup Can heard laughter from the kuchen and with some effort he stood up. Hank was in the kitchen with the nun. The nun looked attractive without her habit. Soup Can thought. The nun was naked, sitting on Hank's lap. "Soup Can, me boy," said Hank. "llow did you sleep'.'" Soup Can said, "Rotten, I didn't sleep, I just flaked out. Where is everyone?" "The Cumberland Gap left with yoiu girl, and the doctor and the lawyer were on the Cumberland Gap." The nun was kissing Hank's neck. "The cop's passed out in the bedroom and the Indian Chief is on his way home." "Wel!, l'm going too," said Soup Can. "I got to get some sleep for Christ's sake. 1 don't know how you do it, Hank." Hank winked. Soup Can left the apartment and walked home. It was getting light out. Soup Can walked with his hands in his pocket s and he did not look at much. He was tired and glad the niglit was over. When Soup Can was in his room he decided it might be a good idea il he fixed something to eat. He couldn't remember when he'd eaten last. Soup Can took a can of Campbell's Barbecue Beans down to the community kitchen at the end of the hall and put the unopened can in a pan of water. He lit the gas burner and went back to his room. Soup Can lay on his bed. He feil asleep. In twenty minutes the beans exploded. "BOW!" went the can of Campbell's Barbecue Beans, and beans went up to the ceiling and beans stuck to the walls of the kitchen, and to the window, and the beans stuck against the ice box. Campbell's Barbecue Beans. Those new beans, those tasty beans that please all bean lovers, three ,different types of beans all in a rich and mild hearty good sauce, the beans for kids and grownups, and grandma and grandpa too, the beans that are good anytime, mealtime, snacktime, any old time, those Campbell's New Barbecue Beans, the beans that God eats, were all over the fucking room. Soup Can snapped awake when the beans exploded. .