Iffy

IFFY 

ON

THE

DEFENSE

   Last week the Ol' Iffster meandered his way down to G-1, the courtroom in the basement of the Frank Murphy Hall of Justice where the 10th Precinct Trial is holdin' forth, just in time to see the defense startin' its case. No soon had I got there than I noticed this official-looking statement posted to the door of the courtroom:

OFFICIAL DOCUMENT

By Order of: The People of the State of Michigan

A Motion is hereby submitted, and granted, on this eighth day of October, 1975, to wit:

   That a directed verdict of "not guilty" shall be offered any civilian defendant in "The State of Michigan vs. Iaconelli et al." [editor's note: the official designation of the 10th Precinct Trial] whosoever shall take it upon himself to dispose, in a manner deemed permanent, and fitting, of one Lee DeChamps (a.k.a. "Da Chump") for the crime of criminal boredom.

Suggested means of disposal: Drowning in a vat of warm spit.

THIS IS A TRUE BILL.

Signed, John Doe, For the People of the State of Michigan.

Wellsir, no sooner had I got myself into the proceedings, than I realized the reason for such a notice. Lee DeChamps, who is the defense attorney for Harold "Boo" Turner, one of the civilian defendants charged in the case, was rantin' and ravin' in all sorts of picayune tangents about this and that, all in a most pompous style, such that any observer couldn't help but think that he should either be charged with the crime of criminal negligence to his client, or at the very least he should be deputized by the prosecution, whose interests he wuz servin' down to the letter. Not that he is in the company, in his fellow defense attorneys, of such sterling counselors - many of them seemed more like they belonged in the trial of Alice in Wonderland. Now, I've seen bad lawyers in my time - seen some o' the worse of 'em, in fact - but these guys really take the cake, if ya know what I mean. I can only surmise that the state bar exam is a whole lot easier to pass than in my day, or that these guys paid off the bar examiner enough to retire to

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The Defense

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Puerto Rico for the rest of his life in return for passin' them. From what we hear, "da Chump" has been dealt with rather severely by the more astute of his comrades lately - outside the courtroom, which just reinforces the adage of that late great friend of mine, Lenny Bruce, who observed that, "In the Halls of Justice, the only Justice is in the Halls." . . . Kudos, by the way, should accrue to Judge Justin Ravitz, the presidin' judge in the case, for the extraordinary patience and judiciousness with which he is handlin' this case. If it were up to me, the first sentence l'd pass would be against the lawyers in the case - and l'd be none too lenient, you can believe.