Patty Dolls, Squeaky Guns & Cleavers

Patty Dolls, Squeaky Guns & Cleavers

by Ken Cockrel

Winter steps out of autumn's closet, chasing away the last vapors of a radiant summer and forcing us to seek diversions inside our home.

The old standby, the TV set, is ready with a "new" season of "police stories" interspersed with situation comedies that show life in our land as it really is.

The "Jeffersons" are back, with new coiffures for the women and the same zombie humor that kept us in stitches last year. "Christie Love" ran afoul of the rocky shores of religious conversion, leaving a vast gaping void in our lives which is only barely filled by "That's My Mama."

The need for scathing social commentary will be met by "Good Times." Pay particular attention to the incisive asides of young Michael, the pre-pubescent kid militant.

The subversives among us can watch Mel Brooks' zany new comedy, "When Things Were Rotten, " for clues as to the direction of the "New Populism" that is sweeping the political horizon. Twitter with excitement as the evil "establishment," in the person of the sheriff of Nottingham, is shafted by the irrepressible Robin Hood and his merry band of proletarian revolutionaries.

Arm yourself with aerosol cans to slay the encephalitis-carrying mosquitoes who hover about your heads as you try to concentrate on the heroics of the S.W.A.T. crew.

Those of us who seek to comprehend the origins of class privilege in the "Great Society" can tune in on "Beacon Hill," thus getting a first hand perspective on the corrosive effect that great wealth has on the genteel nobility that charts the nation's destiny.

If the regularly scheduled fare is not to your liking, do not despair. The capture of Patty Hearst should carry us through the fall and winter months with suspense and drama galore. Already Patty Hearst dolls are being readied for marketing. The dolls will be available with two changes of clothing. One outfit will be a gray camouflage combat outfit, cut in the current ultra-chic Chinese fashion. Our children will be instructed to dress their Patty Hearst dolls thusly so as to play urban guerrilla.

Gray was chosen as the color - the instructions inform us - so as to conform to the pollution-laden air and soot-streaked skyscrapers that constitute our urban terrain.

When Patty goes to court, the doll can shed her martial attire and appear as the rosy-cheeked daughter of America's ruling class.

The doll will be outfitted in the latest sweater-skirt-boot combination, with one "kinky" touch - a T-shirt boldly emblazoned with a multi-colored likeness of Charles Manson on the front.

If America's fascination with exotic trivia overdoes it on the Patty Hearst caper, change channels and check in on Lynnette "Squeaky" Fromme.

If it is the squeaky wheel that gets the oil, then prepare for America's newest pop slogan, "Oil Squeaky."

Imagine the turmoil in our shopping centers as Christmas approaches. TV-inspired children dragging their parents down the aisle of J.C. Penney's, as the shelves sag beneath the weight of red-robed Squeaky dolls on one side with Jerry Ford dolls garbed in bulletproof vests on the other side.

Featured in the toy department, one row over from the "Jaws" T-shirts, will be toy replicas of Squeaky's .45 calibre automatic with a permanently inoperable slide mechanism to allay the concerns of those who oppose violent toys.

Talk show interviewers will lament their inability to compete with CBS News executives as Patty and Squeaky receive huge checks in return for exclusive interviews with Mike Wallace.

Former President Nixon will hold a press conference, during which he will declare Squeaky and Patty "guilty as charged" and demand certainty of punishment.

Eldridge Cleaver will return from his exile in Paris, and will do the Johnny Carson show with Patty, Squeaky and J.F. TerHorst.

TerHorst will model Eldridge's newest fashion creation which are called "Cleavers." As we all now know, thanks to Mike Wallace and Garrick Utley (whose news shows have featured the former "radical" Black Panther), "Cleavers" are trousers with a difference.

Eldridge feels that the puritan tradition of cover-up must be smashed in fashion for men. So he proposes a "tube-like protuberance" to be attached to the trousers in his quest to eliminate the "fig leaf' syndrome from men's pants.

This fashion breakthrough will eclipse the significance that has been accorded Eldridge Cleaver's many statements in which he has praised America and her military forces.

With a lineup such as that we have discussed, the winter months will be lively indeed.

The autumn of 1976 will herald a really new season, with former "radical" superstars vying with presidential contenders for prime time TV slots.

Eldridge should be forewarned, however. He should not appear on the Lou Gordon show to promote his latest fashions.

We have been reliably informed that Oakland County Prosecutor L. Brooks Patterson has assigned a task force to investigate his pants for possible obscenity. Since Lou 's studio is in Oakland County, Brooks might decide to prosecute Eldridge on a charge of corrupting the tastes of Oakland County's jet set.

Long live exotic trivia in America, the stuff of which pop stars are made!