The Inside Dope

It's my hope that th' yuletide season fïnds y'all gathered in th' altogether proper spirit o' general celebration round about the ol' hearthside, with good companions and a little Christmas cheer- and not the kind that comes in a bottle, if you know what I mean. But be sure to watch that part about "good companions." Peeped the FBl's latest returns on all the folks they hauled in for partiality to th' kind o' cheer you smoke, an' sure nuff, in some ways ït ain't gettin' better, friends. It sez here that they got 5 per cent more people last year than they did th' year before-an' in Ann Arbor, where they're supposed to be easin' off, they took in 28 per cent more! An' all over the country somethin' like 69 per cent of all th' people that got busted for dope got n tor smoke. They haven't given up yet, folks, so don't get too careless they'd even lock you up at Christmas!
As many o' these law enforcement types I've seen come and go in my many years on the bricks of ol Detroit, I can't help but be tickled to death when I encounter some o' their singular preoccupations. Th' SUN I hear, got interrogated just last week by one of our President's very own honor guard the Secret Service. Seems they was a bit upset, or so they claimed  'bout our usin' Uncle Sam's currency on the cover o' th' paper about six issues back! If it takes em that long to get around to bein' upset, I'm sure glad l'm not dependin' on 'em to guard my body!  Anyway, I wonder ïf it was th' syringe an' the coppers' badge on top o th' pile o' money that really got their backs up. How much do they pay those guys?
An' speakin' o' green, which by a felicitous concidence is both th' color o' Christmas an the color o money, which in turn is th' main subject of this here issue o' th' paperas I say, speakin o' cold cash an' ledgers an' deficits an' it occurs to me that some o my friends out there must wonder from time to time why our humble publication is but a traction ot th' thickness of, say, the Free Press. An' why we sometimes have t' put things in little type, like you see just above me here. Well, th' SUN ain't no different from the Big Apple, or the Motor City, or any other business concern tryin' t' get by in this age we only got so much comin' in, an' as much as we'd like t' send out a lot more in return, we got t' mind our fiscal , P's and Q's just like everybody else. If we printed more pages for you all than we had ads an' papers sold t' pay for, we might not be around at all next time. So what we try to do here t' make up for it is t' squeeze in just as much good stuff for you as we can each time, hopin' that you'll approve an' continue to help us give you more pages next time. It's th' American way, after all, folks.
Like I sez, if every one o' you out there were i' make sure t' teil somebody else about our paper, whether it be a potential advertiser. a store that doesn't carry us, or just a friend that might be as interested in what we're doin' as yourself seems to be, havin' read this far-it certainly would hasten th' day when we could give you sixty-four pages every time out, an' then we could really all be on top of-it!
We sure ain't expectin' Santa Claus t' come down our chimney with th' funds in his sack, or the Lord God to send his son back to earth an' rnake every thing all right. but we sure do have lots o" faith in what we could all do if' we put our minds to it an' did it together! 
That's what we're really all about here. scout's honor, people. So if y' like what y's ee. an' you'd like t' see more of it, give us all a Christmas present an spread the word!
You can tell 'em Iffy sent you, o' course. And when you do, don't forget to say that there'II be some real excitin' changes in store for readers new an' old next time around, in our super-duper New Year's edition. Th' SUN's untiring editors tell me they'll be takin' a real close look at th' political prospects in th' wind for the upcomin' election year, with special attention given t' defnin' th' issues righteously an' sortin' out th' political wheat from th' chaff, so t' speak.
Til next time, this is Iffy the Dopester wishin' all my faithful readers out there a joyous holiday season, an' to all a good night! :