Women & Language

WOMEN & LANGUAGE 

Expressing Ourselves
Four local women talk about communication
By Catherine Fischer

“You who see for us a future
Come sit here with we
Mek we drink tea
Let’s talk
Mek we analyse
Mek we strategise
Mek we work together"

    - Lillian Allen, “Revolutionary Tea Party

When women communicate with each other, even at a tea party, the sharing of experiences can be a political act; working together as women for change can be revolutionary. On top of our class, cultural and ethnic differences, every woman has her own relationship to language shaped by social and personal factors. How, then, do we find common understandings or a common language when communicating with other women? 

The different ways in which our languages are shaped make it necessary to develop an understanding of both the positive elements of and the barriers to communication. I talked with four Arm Arbor women about their experience with language, what they think it takes to have a common language with other women, and the barriers they find to clear communication between women. 

The women had a lot to say about how culture shapes what we choose to say when. Felicia French, a Black lesbian feminist, and an activist who works with children who have special needs, talked about "safe and unsafe words" and how they change depending on the setting. "For instance, if you say in a group of Blacks that something racist is going on, they know what you mean. If you say the word 'racism' in a group of people of non-color, it's like 'alarm! alarm!' and everyone starts worrying 'Was it us?'" She also described how "lesbian" is not a safe word in Black culture, yet it can be a "safe" word in progressive groups. 

Another way that culture has an impact on the language of women interviewed is through cultural limitations on friendships and expressions of affection. Elizabeth Clare, a white lesbian feminist poet, said "From time to time I will try to talk with friends about the difference between friends and lovers - how to define them. There is a huge area around the two where there' s no language. It's hard to use language true to my values when there aren't any words." 

Ximena Zuniga, Coördinator of the U-M Office of Intergroup Relations and Conflict, is a Latina from Chilé. She described how cultural differences between Chilé and the U.S. form similar barriers to communication: "Latinos are very social, caring, giving people.... We have a very affectionate way of communicating. We have different words to express affection besides 'I care' or 'I love you.' In English, there is nothing in the middle...I'm not sure what effect it carries when I express affection to Anglos." Ximena said this cultural difference also affects her body language. "I keep my hands in my pockets all the time. I am very conscious of my hands." 

Some of the women talked about what it takes for them to feel a common language with other women. Ximena said, "In order for me to be close with an English-speaking American woman, she needs to know some Spanish. If she has spent some time in Latin America, it can help her cross some cultural barriers. On a more general level, I think shared meaning and culture, body language, words, norms, and common experience are all part of a common language." 

Felicia noted that among her friends there is a lot of humor and intimacy. "Even the silence is 

(see COMMUNICATION, page 4) 

COMMUNICATION (from page one) 

different," she said. "When you're quiet among friends, it's just another part of the spectrum of friendship... women use language to soothe each other." 

Elizabeth said she feels that common languages exist for her in different communities. "In doing political activism with women that I work well with there's a kind of common language. Another community is the community I live in, which is mostly lesbians. What is true for me is that common language is always with women. A common language includes, at the bottom, being willing to listen. Listening is a huge part of it. Having a common language is not idyllic or utopian. That sense of common language can simply fall apart, even among women with a history of a shared common language." Elizabeth noted that there doesn't seem to be one common language. "There are a number of different common languages which apply to the same communities but are not the same, and are in many ways defined by race and class," she said. "For example, a Black lesbian common language would be different from what I have with my community." 

Anne Boardman is a white feminist anarchist who is in the process of embracing the idea of herself as a writer. She says that the greatest understanding she has felt with other women is at a non-verbal level. But Anne said she preferred to think of developing a common language with other individuals, not groups. "It's hard to make generalizations about the way men and women communicate. Generalization has a use, but I don't want to lose sight of individuals." A common language to Anne would be "a way to communicate that had ambiguity only when wanted, not alienating to anyone, and respectful of every person's words." 

All four women identified barriers to clear communication between women. Anne said that, at times, she has felt a subtle competitiveness toward other women which she tries to put aside. She finds this to be less of a barrier when other women have made the same realization. A more common barrier she experiences is what she called "p.c. fascism," (p.c. means "politically correct"). "There are some women who have undergone a revolution in their heads," Anne said. 'They put up barriers which say 'you're not correct enough' when they meet another woman who has not made the same choices, or who does not use the right combination of words." 

Felicia finds that value judgements, the kind that allow one thing for men, another for women, get in the way of communication. As an example, she said that comedienne Whoopie Goldberg uses profanity to make a certain point in her routine, and audiences shut down and are unable to hear her because of her language. "Now how come it's okay for Eddie Murphy to swear, but not for Whoopie to do it?" asked Felicia. "It is our right as humans to take the language and adapt it." 

Felicia said she also feels that the socially denied right of individual women to develop a manner of expressing themselves is a barrier to communication between women. "We are not trained to find our own voice. Women need to be more impatient with their language, more assertive." Some women, she said, are clear and straightforward with their language and meanings. Others still feel they have to be ultra polite and often their meaning is not clear because of it." 

Unrealistic expectations are another barrier between women. "We assume that we have a common experience and then get angry because we cannot communicate," said Ximena. She pointed out that "...the more you are in the majority, the more you think you have all the information." Therefore, Ximena said, many white middle class women operate on assumptions, the accuracy of which they do not try to check out. She said she finds that unless she is talking with a woman who is willing to ask questions, clear communication is difficult. "I sometimes sense that people don't get what I'm trying to say, but they don't ask. Maybe they think they are protecting me. People need to be willing to check." 

Elizabeth points out that people working together in groups can have a language which is "truly a common language or a rhetoric without a lot of meaning or communication behind the words." She said she has heard women talk about not having a common language at the level of vocabulary, and at (he level of process (the way in which individuals or groups settle on communicating with each other). She pointed out that differences in process are not always obvious." Sometimes you don't know about them until the hard stuff comes up." She also said lack of respect for other women's way of communicating is another barrier. She talked about cultural differences that she had heard Jewish friends talk about which felt stifling to them, like the common expectation that women should keep their voices down and be "nice and polite." 

The differing position in the world of white women here in the U.S. and that of women of color from South America is significant to Ximena's comfort in communicating with other women. "Growing up in Chilé, I was taught a sense of inferiority. We knew that there were people that were better. In order to make it, you had to be more like people in the U.S. or Europe. I also learned that my needs and desires didn't count as much as the collective whole's. My sense of entitlement on this earth is limited." She said this difference is both reflected and shaped by the use of the first person "I" which is frequent in English, but much less common than the third person "you" which has frequent use in Spanish. "This shapes the way we view how important we are. The language allows me to think that things happen to me rather than that I have control over things. Spanish doesn't help people take responsibility. English puts too much responsibility on the individual." Ximena also said this difference in language reinforces cultural differences which she finds easier to work out with other women of color than with white women. 

Taken together, the women interviewed put forth a fairly comprehensive program for removing barriers to communication between women. They said that to remove the barriers we must examine how our position in the world is reflected by our language and our assumptions about other women. We must also increase our willingness to listen to and ask questions of one another, respecting cultural differences in communication, which means we will not stop listening to another woman because of the language she uses. We must also be willing to take responsibility for expressing ourselves and working toward change. 

As we develop our abilities to communicate with each other so that we can drink tea, talk, analyze, strategize, and work together as Lillian Allen suggests, we can also keep in mind how important it is to find the words we want to use for ourselves. Felicia puts it beautifully: "Women have the power to get rid of a lot of barriers when women find their voice. A lot of women are freed when one woman finds her voice."