One Of The Cleveland Home Guards

GofteapanAovctí of tbc Cleveland ■ Tho moment the flag was threatened large bodies of meii were called upón to rally in its defence. Being a largo bodiod man, I rallied and en rulled myH(lf with tho Homo Guards. The drill iá very severo on me this hot weolher, althuugh I am constantly al lowed an altendant wilh a fan and a pi'.ohor of ice water. I am a living parados, fr while getting llnrdce I am growing wcak, Talk about "the times that tried nien's Bouls," th6SÖ ai'ö Ulo times that try men's fat if they have any. The captain takea pleasuré in putting ine throiigh at a doublo quick Htep. When I go off I think it wili be with "doublé qiiick" eonsumption. I am constantly reminded that one of tho first reqnirements of a soldier is to throw out nis chest and draw in his stomach. Having boen burned out cvoral times while occupying rooms in tho atiic, I have had some considerable practica in throwing out my chest, but ly what systein of practico conld I ever hope to draw in my slemach ? I can't "dreís up" - U's is no uso trving. If my vest buttons aro in lino 1 am far in the rear, and it I too the mark a fearful bulgo indieates my position. (There is no room for argument io regard to my sontiments - everybodj can fiee at a glance just where I stand.) One evening we had a new drill Sergeant who was near-sighted. Kunning his eye down tho line he exclaifned, harply, -; What is that man doing in the ranks with a baso drum !" He pointcd at me, but I had'nt any drum, it was tho surplus stom ach that I could'nt draw in. [ am tho butt of numberless jokes, as you inay well suppoae. Tbey have gót a storv in the Guards that wlien I first heardthe comniand - " Order Arrns" - I dropped my musket, and taking out my note book begun to draw an order on tho Governor for what afms I wanted. They say that I ordercd the Wftran'B etearn gun, with a pair of Dahlgren howitzera for sido arms. liaso fabricatore. My ambition oever extended bevond a riflo cannon, and they knew it. Althoug!) in respect to si.o I belong to tho " heaviest" my preference i ior the Light Infantry service. My knapsak is markud Liglit Iniantry, One evening spectators appcared convulsed about iomftthing and my cotnrades tittered by platoons whonever my back was turned. It was all a mystery to me until I laid off my knapSftck. Some wretch had erased tho two final letters and I had been parading all tho ovening labeled " Lioiit Infast !" Tho above is one of a thousand annoyances to whicli I am subjected, and nothing but my ccnsum'iig patriptwtB could over induce me tosubmitto it I rallied at tho cali of my country and am not to be put out by the rally ing of my comiedes. I ovorheard a spectator onquire oí tho drill Sereant one day "do you d;-ill tho wholo of him at once ?" " No," he returned, in an awful whisper, " I dnl kim hy tqua&tV I would have drillcd hiin if I had had a bayonut. Speciücations havo boen published in regard to my uniform and contractors ndvertised for. The making will be lot out to tho lowest responsiblo bidder. In case tho Guards aro ordered to take tho field a special Commissary will be dftailed to supply my rationa. That reminds mo of a liarrow'ng incident. On last drill night an old farmer, who dropped in to seo us drill, took me asidc and said he wanted to scll me a yoke of povverful oxen. " My ancient ngriculturist," ?aid I, siniliugat his sirnplicity, " 1 have no use for oxen." " Perhaps not at present" quoth hfi, "but if you goto war you will want them." '"For what?" said I, considerably annoyed. " Want Vw to draw yovr ralions!" The Guards paid me a delicate compliment at the last moeting. They elected mo "Ohild of the Regiment" with the rank of Firet Corpulant, and the pay of chief " Blowyer," I was about to return thanks in a neat and appropriate speech when a reporter who was present assured me it was no use - he had got the whole thing in typo, speech and all, and I could read it in the evening paper. Ho said they kept a " neat and appropriate speech," standing in type continually. I got his views and held my peace. Vours tor the Union, iacluding the Stars, also the Stripea, FAT CONÏRIBUTOR.