The Draft In Baldinsville

If I'm drafted I shall resign. Deeply grateful for the unexpected honor tlius coiiferred upon me, I shall reel compellcd to rcsign the position in Favor of sum more -worthy person, - Modcsty ia wlat ails me. Tkat's what kept me under. I mean ter say, I shall have to resign if I'm drafted everywheres. I've been inrold. I must now, furristuns, be inroled in upwards of 200 different towna. If I'd kept on travelin' I'd eventooally becum a Brigade, in which case I oould hev held a meetin' and elected mysolf a Brigadeer-Ginral quite ipanimiss. I badn't no idea tbere was so many of me before. But, serisly, I coneluded to stop exhibitiu', end make tracks tbr Baldinsville. My only daughter threw herself onto my boosum, and said. " It is me faythnr ! I thank the gods ! " Sho reads the Led'jer. " Tip us yer bunch of fivcs, old faker ! " said Artemus. Jr. He roads the Clipper. My wife was to the sowin' circle. I knew she and the wimen folks was havin' a pleasunt time slanderin' the females of ( tbe other sowin' circle, (wbich likewiso i met that afternoon, and was doubtless i enjoyin' theirselves ekally well in deriiV tbe fust nar.ied cirolc, au' I didn't i Send for her. I allus like to see people eujoy theirselves. i My son Orgustus was plain' opto a floot. Orgustus is a cthereal cusa. The twins was buildin' oob houses íd a córner pf the kitcben. It'll eost some postage stamps to raise this fam'ly and yet it'ud go hard witb the oíd man to loso any lamb of the flock. An oíd bachelor ia a poor crifcter. - He ynay have hearn the skylark or (whnt's nearly the same thing) Miss Kellogg and Charlotty fatti sing ; he may bave hearn Ole Buil fiddle, and all the Dodsworth's toot, an' yet he don't know nothin' about music - the real, genuine thing - tbc rmisio of the laughter of happy, well fed children ! And you niay ax t.beir fatber borne to dinner, feeling very sure there'll be no spoons missin' when he goes away. Sich fathers never drop tjn five-cent pieees into the contribution box, nor palm shoe-pegs off onto blind hosses for oats, nor skeddadle to British sile when the country's in danger - nor do anything which is really raean. I don't mean to intímate that the old bachelor s up to iittle games of this sort - not at all- but I repeat, he is a critter. He don't live here ; he only stays. He ought to pologize, on bebalf of bis parients, for bein' here at all. The happy married man dies in good stile at home, surrounded by his weepÍDg wife and children. The old bachelor don't die at all - he sort of rots away like a pollywog's tail. My townsmen were sort o' demoralized. Tberö was a evident desire to Cïadc tho draft, as I obsarved with sorrer, and patriotism wás below Par - and Mar, too. [A jew desprit.] I badn't no sooifer sot down on the piazzy of the tavern tban I see sixteen hospmen, ridin' four abreast, wendin their way lip the street. " What's them ? Is it cavalry?" "That," said the landlord, "is the stage. Sixteen able bodied citizens has lately bought the stage line 'tween here and Scottsburg. That's them. They're stage drivers. Stage drivers are ezppapt." I eaw that each stage driver oarried a letter in his left hand. ',' The mail is lievy to-day," said the laDdloid. " Gin'rally they don't have more'u half a dozen letters 'tween them. To-day they've got one apiece ! Bile my lightsand liver!" "And the passengere ?;' " There ain't any skacely now-a days,'1 aaid the landlord, " and what few thero iBj very much prefer to walk, the road is bo rough." '■'And how is it withyou?" I inquired of tho editor of the Hugle Ilorn ' of Libertg, who sot ucar me. " I can't go," he std, shakin' his Uead in a wise vvay. " Ordinarily J sfiould prefar to jvade in gore, but my bleedin' country bids iae stay at home. It is imperative that I remain hero for the pur poss of announein' from week to week, hat our gotemnient is about to take vigorous measures to put doipn the reiellipn." I strolled into the village oystor-saloon, where J found Dr. Sehwaíjey, a leadin' citizen, in a state of rnind whick showed Jae'd bin' histin ïuore'n his sharo of pizen. " Helio, ol.d Beeswax," he bellered ; " How's yer grandnia? Whön jou goijj to feed your stuffed nnimals?" " WhatV the matter with the emiaent plij'sician ? " I pleasantly inquired. "TLis," Losaid; "this is what's the matter. I'm a habitooal druukard ! I'in exempt." Kf' po' '! Do you see tbcm beans, oíd mnn ? " nnd he piu tcd to a pinte befóle him. " Do you sfl 'üiü P " " I do. ' Thoy are a cheerful fruit wlicii used tommitly." " Well," Raid he, " I hain't eat anything since last weck. I eat beans now because I eat beans thcn. I uever mis ray vittles! " " It's quite proper that you sliould eat a little suthin' once in a while," [ said. " It's a gqod 't$Lü to oi-'ii.siüD-illy instruot tlie t-tuumiick that it mustii't depend exclusivcly on lioker ibr its subs'.anee." " A blcssin'," be criud ; "a blessin' onto the bed of the man that inveuted beans. A blertio' onto his lied ! " " Whioh bis name is Gilsori! He's a first fam'ly of Boston," said L Tbis ia a speeiinea oí how things was goin' in my place of resideneo. A few "was truc blue. The school mast er was among 'cm. Ho greuted me warinly. He said I was weloome to those sbores. Ho snid I Lave a massiv „.in .i. It yas gratifyin', he snid, to see that great intelleok stajliin in their v.d onct more. I have bcforo had occasion to notiee tliis school-inaster. Ile is evidcntlv a young man of far more than ordinary talent. The school magier proposed that we shouid propose a pinas meeting. - The meeting w8 Iurgolj atteuded We had it in open air, round a roarin, bonfire. The Bchool-master was the first orator. He's pretty good on the speak. He also writes welj, his composition bein' seldom marred by bad grammatticism. He said that this great inactivity surprised him. " What do you expeot will come of this kind of dohi's? Nihil üt- " " Hooray for Nihil ! " I interrupted, " iellgw-eitiaens' let's give three pasera for Nihil, thojnan who rit!" The school-masler turned a little red, but repeated - " Nihil fit." "Exautly," I said; "Nihil fit, He was'nt a strategy feller " " Our venerable friend," sai4 the echool-master, smilin' pleas-intly, '■ isn't posted in Virgil " " No, I don't know him. But if hes a able bodied man he must stand the little draft." Tho school-master wound up in excellent style, and tho subscriber took tho stand. I said the crisis had not only pr,ir, ifself, but it had brought all its relations. It haa oum, I said, with a evident intüntion of makiu' us a good long visit. It's goiu' to take off its things and stop with us. If the Federal army suecoeds in takin' Washington, and they seem to be aücanem tuai way preuy unen, x suau say it is a strategy, and Washington will be safe. And that uoble banner, as it ' Were - will be a emblem, or, rather, I ' should say, that noble banner-as it were. JVIy wife says so, too. fl got a little mixed up here, but didn't notice it. Keep mum.] Peller citizens, it will be a day for the Republie when Washington is safe. Gloucester, Massachusetts, is safe, General Fremont ia there. No danger of Gloucester, Massaehusetts, as long as Fremont's there. And may the day be not far distant when I eau say the same of Washington. But, if it is saved, it will be by strategy. Vermont will soon be safe. General Phelps is cotuin' home. Let us all rejoico that Vermont is about to be safe. My wife says so, too The editor of the Bugle Hom of Liberty here orose and said : " I do not wish to interrupt the gentleman, but a important despatch has juat been reeeived at the telegraph office here ; I will read it. It is as follows : " Government is about to talie vigorous measures to put down the rebdlion!" [Loud applause.] That, I Baid, ia cheering. That's gootliing. And Washington will be safe, [Sensation.] Philadolphia is. sufe. General Patterson is in Philadelphia. But my heart bleeds partioly for Washington. My wife says so, too, There ia money enough. No trouble about money. They've got a lot of first class bankuote engravors at Washington (which place I regret to say, is by no means safe), who turn out three or four cords of monev a day - eood money too. Goes well. These bank noto engravers r make good wages. I expect thoy lay up property Tlioy are full of Union ï ment. There is considerable Union c tiraent in Virginia "more speoially among ' the lionest farmers of the Shenandoah l valley My wife says so, too. Then it isn t money we want. But we ' do want men, and we must have them. - ' We must carry a whirlwind of fire amnng ' the foe. We must erush ths ungrateful c rebela who are poundin' the Goddesa of 1 Liberty over the head with slung-shots, ' and stabbin' her with stolen knives ! We ' must lick 'cm quick. We must introduce ' a largo number of first elass funerals amoug the people of the South. Betgey ! says so, too. '' This war hain't been well managed. - What Uien ? We are all in the same boat, - If the boat goes down, we go down with her. Henee we must all I üght. It airrt no use to talk now about who caitsed the war. That's played out. The war is upon us - upoa us all - and we must all fiVlit. We can't " roason " the matter with the foe - only with steel and load. When in the broad glare of noon-day sun a speckled jackass boldly and rualiciously kicks over a pea-nut stand, do we " reason '.' with him ? I guess not. And why " reason " with them other Soufhern people who are tryin' to kick over the Republiek ? - Betsey, my wife, says so, too. I h;ive great confidenco in A-. Ivinlau. ïho old fellow's hcart is in the right place, and lus head ís clear. Tlicro seems to have been sum quoer doin's by sum of the doputioa - civil and military 1 - bul let it pass. We must save the Union. And don't let us v,ait to be drafted. The Republiek ia our muther For Ood's siiko don't let us stop to dfftw Iota to see vvhieh of us shall go to tho rescuo of our wound.ed and bloediu' muthor. ])rivg the assassins from her . throte - drive them into tho sea - and theu, if it is worth while, stop aud arguo about who csused all this in the iirst place. You've heard tho ghowman.- You've licard my wife, t.oo. Me aud Betsey is I. The meetin' broke up with eutliusiasm. We Bliim't drift in Baldinsville, il' wc can help it. - Vanity Fair. J53L" At v wedding, recenlly, wheii ihe officiating niest put to the lady the question - "Wül thou have this man to Lo thy wedded busband?" elio droppod the preltiest aourteey, and with a modety "A'liich lent her beauty an additional grace, replied, " Jf you 'ease.''