Artemus Ward To The Prince Of Wales

Fkien Wales: You remember me. [ sa you in CaDady a few years ago. I remember you too. I seldom forgit a ■iprann , „- y ■ J I liearn of your marriage to the Printsis Alexandry, and ment, ter wril you a congratoolatory letter at the time, but I've been bildin a barn this eummer & nain't had no time to write letters to folks. Excoos me. Numeris eliangis has tookin place since we met in the body politie. The body politie, in fack is sick I sunitimiís thiuk it has go' biles, friend Wales. In my country we'eve got a war, whiie your country, in conjunktion with Cap'u Sems, of the Alobarmj, manetanes a nootral posishun ! I'm afraid I can't write goaks when I sit íibout it. Oh no, I guoss uot. Yes sir. we've got a war, and the troo Patrit bas to ranke sacrifisses, you bet. I have already given two cousins to the war, & I stand reddy to sacrifics my wife's brother rulber'n not see the rebelyin krusht And f wuss comes to wuss l'll shed ev'ry drop of blood my able bodid relations bas got to profekoot the war. I think sumbody ought'r be prose kooted. & it mav as well be the war as anybody else. When I git a goakin fit onto me its no use to try ter stop me. You hearn about the draft, friend Wales, no doubt. It caused sum squirmio, but it was conduoted fairly I think, for it hit all classes. It is troo that Wendal Philips, who is a American citizen of Africau scent, 'scaped, but so did Vallandiggum, who is conservativ, aud who was resuntly sent South, tho' hö would have bin sent to the Dry Tortoogus if Abe had sposed for a minit that the Tortoogusses would keep hira. We haiii't got any daily papor in our town, but we've got a female sewin cirolo, which ansers the saine purpuss, and we wasn't loug ia suspeuts as to wbo was drafted. One young man who was drawn elaimed to be exernpt because he was the only son of a widow'd mother, who supported hira. A few able bndied dead men was draft ted, but whether their heirs will have to pay 3 hundred dollars a peaco for 'ein is a question for Whittin', wtio pears to be -tinkerin up tliis draft bizness right sniart. I hope he makes good wages. I think most of the conscripta in this place will go A few will go to Canada, stoppin on their way at Concord, N H., wbere I understand there is. a Musium of Uarts. You see T'rn sassy, friend Wales, hittin all 'sides; but no offetiso is ment. You know I ain't a politioian, and never was. I vote for Mr. Uuioc - that's ihe ouly candidate I've got. I claim, however, to have a well balanced mind ; tho' my ideas of a wcll balanoed mind differs from tho ideas of a partner I once had, whose name it was Billson. Billson and me orjanized a strollin dramatic company, and ws played The Drunkard, or the Falling Saved, with a real drtnikard. 'J'he phiy didrt take particularly, and says Billson to me, Lot's give 'eni some innnortal dramy. We liad a large troop onto our hands, consistin of ciglit trapedians and n bass drum, but T says No, Billsou ; and thcn says I, Billson, you hain't got a well-balanced mind. Says he, Yes I have old hoss fly (he was a low cuss)-ji-ycs I have. I have a miud, says he, that balances in any direetion that the public rekires. That's wot I cali a well balanccd miud. I sold out aDd bid adoo to Billson. He is now an outcast in the State of Vermont. The mii'rabte man onco playedf' Hamlet. There wasn't any orchestry, and wishin to expire to thé slow moosic, he diëd playin on a claironott hitnsclf, interspersed with hear-rendin groaus, & such is tlie world! AUrs ! alars ! Iiow orithanldul we air to tli: 1 1 Providence whiuh kindly allows us to live and borrow money, aud fail and do bizniss ! Büt to return to our subjeck. With our resunt grate triumps on the Mississippi, the Fatlier of Waters (and them is waters 110 fnther need fcel 'shimed of - twig the witikism ?) and the cheeriu look of tbhigs in other places, I reekon we shant want any Musiera of hearts. Aud what upon airtli do the people of Concord, N. H., want a Muslum of Hrrts lor? Hain't you got the State House now ? & and what more do you want ? But all this is furriu to the purpose of this note, arter all. My objeck in now addressin you is to giv you sonie advice, friend Wales, about managin your wife, a bizniss I've had over thirty years ex perieuee in. You had a good wedin. The papers hav a good deal to say about " vikins " iu connection therewith. Not knowiugs what that air and so I frankly tells you, my noble lord, dook of the throne, I can't zaetly say whcther we had 'eral or not. We was both very umch flustrated, but I never enjoyed myself better iu my life. Dowtless, your supper was aheud of our'n. As regards eatin' uses Baldinsville was allers shaky. But you can git a good meal in New York, & cheap too. You can git half a mackrill at Delmonico's or Mr. Mason Dory's for six dollars, and biled pertaters throwed in. As I sed, l manage my wife without any particklar trouble. When I fust commenst traiuin her, I institooted a series of experimenta, and them as didn't work I abandiiig'd. YouM better do simmiler. Yuur wife may objeck to gittiu up and buldin the fire in the mornin, but ïf you commcnce with her at once you may be able to overkum this prejoodiss. I regret to obsarve that I didu't coinmenee atly enuff. I wouldu't have you s'pose I was ever kicked out of bed. Not at all. I simply say in regard to bildin fires, that I didn't commeuce arly enuff It was a ruther eold moruin when I fust proposed the idee to Betsy. It wasu't well ieeeived, and I found myself layiu on the floor putty suddent. I thought I'd git up and bild the fire myself. Of course now you'r married you can eat onions. I allus did, and if I know my own hart, I allus will. My daughter, who ie g'ün on 17, and is friaky, says they's disgustin. And speakin of my daughter remiuds me that quite a number of young men have suddenly discovered that I'm a very entertainin old feller, and they visit us frekently, 'speoially on Sund;iy evenins. One young chap a lawyer by habit - don't cum as uiuch as he did. My wif'e's father lives with us. His intelleek totters a little, and he saves the paper containin the proeeedings of our State Legislatur. The old gen'l'man likes to read out loud, and he reads tol'rable well. He eats hash freely, which makes his voice clear; bui as he onfortnately has to spell the most of his words, I may say he reads slow. Waal whenever this lawyer made his appearance 1 would set the old man a readin the legislativ reports. 1 kept the young lawyer up oue uight till 12 o'clook, listeuin to a lot of acts iu regard to a draw bridge away orf in the east part of the State, haviu sent my daughter to bed at half past 8. He hasn't been there since, and I understan he says I go round swindlin the public. I never attempted to reorganize my wife b.ut once. I shall never attempt it agin. I'd been to a public dinner, and had allowed myself to be betrayed into drinkin several people's neartns; and wishin to mako 'em as robust as possible, I ooptinued drinkin their liealths until my own becanie affeoted. Consekens was, I presente.d myjelf at Betsy's bedside late at uight with considerable licker concealed about my person. I had sumhow got perseshun of a hosswhip on my way home, and rememberin sum cranky ohservasl.uns of Mrs. Ward's iu the mornin, 1 snapt the whip putty üvely, and, in a very loud voice, I sed, Betsy, you need reorganizin ! I have cum, Hetsy, I continued, I have come to reorganize you ! Have you per rayed tonieht ? t -a. Mr dk I dreained tliat niht tbat surabody had laid a hosswhip over nio sev'ril couseckootiv times ; and wben I woke up I found she bad I hain't drank muoh of anythin s'nce, and if I ever have anolher renrganizia job on hand, I sball let it out. My wife is 52 years oíd, and bas allus sustained a pood character. She's a good cook. Hcr mother lived to a ven 'rabie age, and died while in the act of frying slap jacta for the county commissioners. And may no rood hand pluek a flour f'rom her toom-stun ! We liain't pot any piotur of the ald lady, beeause ahe'd never stand for her ambrotype, and then fore I can't give her likeness to the world tbrough the metjum of the illustrated papers ; but as she wan't a brigadier gen'ral, particerly, I don't suppose thoy'd publisb it, anyhow. It'b best to give a woman consid'ble leewav But not too raunh. A naber of mino Mr. Roofus Minkins, was onoc very sick with tho fever, but his wifo moved his bod into the door yard while she was cleanin house. I told Roofus this wasn't the thing, speeially as it was rainin vi'lently ; but he said lio wantod to give his wifo " a ketle lee-way." - Thiit was '2 mutch. I told Mrs. Minkins that her Roofus would dio f ho staid out there in the rain much longer ; ïlien she said, "It shan't be my fault if he dies unprepared," at the same time tosstn him his mother's Bible. It waa os ful ! I etood by, however, and nussed him as well's I could, but I was a putty wetnusp, I teil you, ! There's varis ways of managin a wife, friend Wales, but the best and only safe way is to let lier do jist about as s'.ie wants to. I 'dopted that tliere plan sum time ago, and it works like a charui. Remember me kindly to Mrs. Wales, and good luck to you both ! And as years roll by, and accidonts begin to happen to you - among which I hope thcre'll be twins - you will agree with me that family joys air the only ones a man can bet on wi"h any certainty of winnin. It may interest you lo know that l'm prosperin in a pecoonery pint of view. I make 'bout as much in the course of the veaf as a Cab'net officer dous, & I uuderstand my bizniss a good deal botter than sum of 'era do. Respecks to St. George and the Dragon. " Ever be happy."