Income Returns

Frura tlie tiuflaiu ExpreM The first notice tliat was taken of me wben I "settled down," recenlly, waa by a gentleman who said ho was an assessor, and connected with tho Uuited States Intcrnal Iïevenuc Department. I said I bad nevcr heard of liis brancli of business betore, but I wüs verj glad to seo him all tl.e satne. lic fat down. I did not know anything n pmticular to say, aud yot I feit ihat peoplo wbo havo nrrived at tlio diguity of keeping house, must bc converaational, must bo easy and sociable u company, so, in defanlt of anything else to suy, I asked bim if ho was openiDg hia shop iu our neighborbood. He said be waf. (I did not wish to appear ignorant, but had hoped ,be would mention what. he had for sale.) I TOüturcd to ask hita hotv was trado and he replied, "So sp." I then said we would drop in, and if "e lilced lus house as well as any other, we would give hirn our custono. lic eaid he thought wo would lika his establishment weli cnough - said he ncver knew aDybody to go off and hiint up any other man o his üno afler trading with him once, Tl) at sounded pretty complacent, but barring tbat natural expreszon of villaiuy which we all have, tbc uan looked lior.est enough. I do not know how t camo about, cxaetly, but eraduallv we appeared to molt down and run logether, conversationally speaking, and ihen everything went along as comfortably as clock work. We talked, aud talked, and talked - at least I did. And we laughed, and wo laughed. and lauglied- at least he Jid. But all the time I Imd niy presence of' roind abnut me - I had my native shrewdness turned on, "full hcacJ," M the ngneare say. I vosdetermined to fiiul out uil about his business, in spite of his obscure imswers - apd I was cletermined I would have it out of bim without lija Ai!.jritÚ2" „ïtli-4 uup, uui-ji ruso. I wtu'd teil bim all about my owu business, and be would naturally so warm to me during this eeductive burst of cotfio'.enoe tliat he would forget himself aud teil me all about lus affairs before be suspeotod whi.t I was about. I thought to myself, my son, you little kcow what nu old fox you are doaling witb. I said : "Now you never would gues3 wliat I made lecturmg, ihis winter and last spring ?" "'o - I don'.t beljeve I could, to save me. Let me fee - let me see. About $2,000, may be ? But uo - no, sir. I know you coulda't bave made that muob. Say $1,700, uaaybe?" "Haba! I knew you couldn't. My lecturiog receipts for last 6pring and the winter wero S14,700 - what do you think of that !" "Wliy it is amazing - perfectly amazing. I will makc a noLe of it. And you say even this wasn't all ?" ''AU ! Why ble?8 you tbere was my income from the Buffalo Express for four months - about - well, wbat should you say to about S8,000, for instance 1" ''Say! Why I should e ay I should liko to see myself rolling in just sueh another ocean of affluence. Eight tliousand ! I'U make a note of it. Why, man ! - and on top of this I am to understand tbat you had still more ineome ?" "lla-ha-ha! Why you're only in tbe Ruburbs of it, po to speak. ïhere's my j book, "The Innocents Abrond" - price 83 5ü to 85, according to the binding. Lúteo to me. Look me in the eye. During tbe last four nionths and a half, saying nothing of ihe sales befoie that, - but just simply during Ihe last four months and a half ending Murub. 15, 1870, we've sold 95,000 opiea of that Look ! Ninety-five thousaud ! Tbink of it Average $4 a copy, Eay. It's nearly 8100,000, my son. I get half I" "The suffering Moses ! 111 set that down Fourtcen-seveu filty-eigbt twobnndred. Total, say - well, upou my word, the grand total is about S"21o,000 or $214,000, is that possible ?" "Possible ! If there's any tnistake it's the other way. Two hundred fourteen thousand, cash, ia my income for this ycar if I kuow how to cipher." The'n the gentlemau got up to go. It catno over me most uocomfortatly that may be I had made my revelations for nothing, bes des, being flattered inlo stretchipg them consideiably by tlic stranger'sastiinisbcd cxclamationa. Uut, no; at the lat moment tho gentleman handed me a large envelopo aud said it contained his advertisement ; and that I would find out nll about liis business iu it ; and that be would be happy to have iry custoni - would in fact be proud to have the eusioin of a man of such prodigious income ; und that he used to think thoro were soveral vvialthy men iu Uuffalo, but wlien they catno to trado with him he discovcred that they barely had enough to live on aud that in truth it bad been sucb a weary, wenry age siuce he had eeen a rich man face to (ace, and talked with him, and touched him with bis hands, that ho could hardly reTntin from embracing me - in i';ict, would estcem it a great favor if I would ht him embrace me. This so plcascd mo that I did not try to reeist, but allowed this simple-hearted strauger to throw his anus about me aud Weep a few trauquilizing tears down the back of my neck. Theu he went his way. As soon asbe was gone I opened bis advertiBement. I studied it attentively for four minutes. I theu called up the cook aud said : " 11 old me w hile I faint. Let Maria turu tbc battcr-cakes." ' By and by, when I carne to, I sent down to the rum niill on the corner and bired an artist by the week te 6t up nights and curso tlial Btranger, and give mo a lift occasionnlly in the day time when I camo to a hard place. Ah, wliat a iniscrcant ho was! II s "advhrtisenient" was nothing in the world but a wickcd tax-returu - a striog of impertiueut questions about my private illaiis occupying the best part of fnur foolscap pages of fine print- queations, I may rernark, gotten up wit!] such marvelous ingenuity ihat (lic bldesf man n llie uorlf] couldn't underst ind wliat tho most cf tliem were drivini at- questions, too, Mi at were calcuhiteJ to make a tnan report sbout foor times bia actual incoino to kefp fro;n ewcaring to a lie. 1 looked f or a loophole, but thorc did not appear to bo nny. ijpqqjrj Noí 1 covered my case, as gent-rously and as í simply us an umbrella could cover an ! BDt bilí. "What wero your profiís in 18G9, from any trade business or occupution, : liutever carricd on ?" That inquiry was hac'.:ed up ty 13 othcrs of an ccjually sonrcliiPt; tiatnre, ' tho most modest of which reqaired informaiion as to whether I bad com:ntted any burL'Lny or higLway robbery, , j or by any ai-:o) or oiher secret source I of euiolument, had acqaired property which was not cnumorated in my síatoment oí' iucome as sat oppositc tj ir.qu:ry "NTo. 1 It was plain Ihe sfrnoKer had enabled me to iriako au ass of myself. It was very, ver plaio, and I Went nut and hired another iirtist. By workiüg on my vauity the Btranofor bad sadueed me nto declaring un ineotce of $214,000 ]y law, 81,000 Of tbu as excinpt from ÍDCpnM tas - the only rcücf I could sec, and it was only a drop n tho ooean. At the legal fivc percent , I must pay over to the Goverimipnt the appalling suai of SlOjGöO Dcome tax. [1 may remarK, in this placo, that I did not do it.] I a:n acquiiinted Witb a vcry Opulent man, whoso home is a alsce, wliose tab.lc is regal, whose outlays are enorruous, yet a man who hos no income, as I havo oi'ten uoticod, by the reveuuo returns; and to him I weut fcir adviee in my distress He took my dreiidful exhibition of rcceipts, he put on h!s ylassoí, he (-o!; hii pen and presto ! - I was a pauper ! It was the ueatcst thing that ever was, he did it simply by defllj manipulating th;bill of "Dciluuiions." He Bat dowu my "State, National aud muooipal laxes" at so inueh ; 1113' lossos by "ship-wreek" i Qre, o'c.''at somueh ; mj "loases on Jes of real cstate;' - 011 "live stook gold" - ou "payments for rent of homesteacl" - on "previously tused salary ai au oilifer j of tb,e Uuited Statea ormii wu -B.. j mtonishing deductions out of each a:;d 3vcry onc of theso tnattors - each and every one of them. And whcu he was Jone ho handcdmo the paper, and I saw at a g'anee that duriug the year 18G0 my iuceme, iu the way of proöts, had been S1.250 40. "iNow,' said be, "(he Sl.UUU is exempt by law. What you waot to do is to go and swear tliis document in and p.iy the tax on the 8250." [While he was makinjj this speech big little boy VVillie lilted a $2 greenback out of nis vest pocket and vnuihed with it, and I would bet aojtbiag that if any strangers were to cali on that little boy to-morrow, he would mukeafulae return of bis ncomc] "Do you,:' said I, "do you aïways work up the 'deductkms' after tuis fasliioD in your own cuse, sir ?" "Well, I should suy so ! If it weren't for thoso 11 savihg olausea under the head of 'Deductions' I ehould be beggared every ycar to support tbis hatelul and wicked, this extortiouute aod tyrannical tíovernment." This gentleman stands avvay up among tho very best of thesolid men of Buffaio - tbc mau of moral weight, of commercial inlegrity, and unimpeaehkble social Fpotles.-i'ss - and so . bowed to lus cxamplL'. I went down to the rëvenae office, n'id undör t!ie aeousing oyes of my old v Uil er, I etood up and fewore to üe after lie, f'raud alti-r fraud, viliainy after villainv, t j 11 my immortal soul was coaten ii ches and indios tbick with perjnrv and my self n-spect was goue furever atid ever. Uut whnt of it ? It is notbing mnre tlinn Uiousands of the of the highest, and richest, and proudust, and most respooted, liooored and courted men in America do every year. And so I doo't care. I am not ftshamed. I sball -imply, for ihepreseut, talk littlc, anil wear fire-proof gloves, lest I fall )uto certain habits inrevocably.