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                                                             FINDING LIGHT

Laughing was my only way out. It somehow made me feel temporarily secure, like it was the only thing that covered something hidden inside myself. Only I did not know what I wanted to cover, what I wanted to hide. I only wanted to find the light and find the missing puzzle pieces of my life. And I did this in a hopeless place.I was getting behind in all my classes, my teachers would always sent e mails home about my bad attitude in class, I had to go with the “specials” teacher which makes me feel like I'm the weak link of my classmates. I was so frustrated about being worried all day in school. Every day I was sent to the office but I really didn’t mind about being in the office because I was starting to get used to it.  This had been happening for about 2 years, it was about to be third year and I was very tired of it. I wasn't sure if I could live this way anymore.

     “You are going to a psychologist!” my mom exclaimed to me.  This was a random day and it was a very unexpected moment. I didn’t know what to do, think or how to react. I never thought I would get this type of news.

      I became so furious at my mom because she wanted me to go to a psychologist. Psychologists are for crazy people, why do I need to go to a psychologist?  

      “I have it all planned out, you have the meeting with her tomorrow,” my mom demanded. It was going to be the worst day of my life, or so I thought.

            “Today is the day!” my mom excitedly told me. I didn’t get it why my mom was so excited. I was going to a psychologist. What am I doing so wrong that I need to go to a place where crazy people go? Am I crazy?  I was distracted all day in school because I kept over thinking what would happen in the afternoon.  It was now the afternoon and I was furious at my mom for sending me to the psychologist. My mom thought it was the best for me, but I thought the opposite. Why am I always the daughter with problems? Why am I always the sister grounded? Why am I the one who gets the bad attention? I got to the psychologist and hated it; I had the worst attitude I could ever have had. I knocked at the door waiting for an answer. I just heard footsteps walking down some steps and a rush of nerves took over my body immediately. She opened the door, my eyes opened largely and my skin turned pale. The psychologist was fat, with a black dress and had cheeks as red as two red apples.

       “Come in Paulina we are about to start” she claimed in an angry way.

Oh god please help me so I never have to come through this door again. I got in and started chatting with her, she started trying to get things out of my mind but I constantly answered “I don’t know” to everything she questioned me about. I would never step on a psychologists room again in my whole life.

   “How was--” mom curiously asked me.

   “Horrible” I interrupted before she even got the chance to finish the question.

Nights passed and I kept going to the psychologist and cried myself to sleep every night not even knowing why. I detested going to the psychologist. Every week I ended up crying because I had a knot on my throat, which I didn’t know the reason for.

    “Give the psychologist a chance to help you, please,” my mom begged.

Should I give it a try? I’ll do my best now.  I had meeting with the psychologist in four days. Those four days were very hard for me. In school I laughed as much as I could but at nights I couldn’t eat because of being sad, I tried to hide it at home but sadness was difficult to hide with my sisters and parents. Today, I would be going to the psychologist and I would be honest. I was a little bit anxious to go. While I was at the door knocking miserably I felt butterflies in my stomach. She opened as usual, I entered and started to have my mind more open and started to chat with her about life.

   “You have a big depression hidden behind you and you can’t resist it anymore” my psychologist confessed to me. I started to feel a knot in my throat, it seemed I had found all the puzzle pieces, I just did not know how to put them together. I didn't know what to answer I was turning hot as lava. My heart started beating as fast as if I had just run a mile.  I put both my hands on my mouth and slowly, tears were sliding down my hot cheeks. I felt every tear falling down my cheek.

The nights after that day were a nightmare. I couldn’t sleep well; I cried myself to sleep every night and woke up with wet red eyes. At school I was different than at lonely nights in my house. Darkness seemed to hug me and made me feel at peace. I felt like life was going too fast and I was not living it the way I should live it.  Why do I feel so abandoned, alone, with no one to comfort me? Days passed and I noticed I was doing poorly in school because I laughed too much. The reason I laughed too much was to hide my sadness. I had no other way to hide it from people. One night I couldn’t stop crying, I was trying to distract myself from sadness doing my homework but tears fell down to my paper. I sat on my bed with all lights off and started to think about life. I felt every single tear on my cheek and each time I took a breath and I felt my heart’s emptiness and it hurt so much I couldn’t cry silently. I couldn’t hide it anymore from my family. My mom heard me crying and came down to my room.

      “What is going on? Are you okay?” Mom worriedly asked me

   “Nothing I just want to be alone” I mumbled with a breaking voice.

My mom’s eyes started to turn watery, she started crying and gave me a hug as big as a bear. That hug was very sentimental I started to cry even more and told her everything I was feeling. I was hiding my sadness for so long, and each day it turned worse.  I never thought life would be this hard.  The pain I felt each night was as if someone had died every night. I kept going to the physiologist every week and was always excited to enter the door knowing I was going to talk about life.

I learned that there’s more to life that I expected. That it’s not only about the moment, it’s about who I am. Those moments where I feel when my life is a puzzle and it seems that all the pieces are lost. I realize that we are not clothes or grades, we are not depression, we are not defined by those things.  Those moments where I lost the puzzle pieces I just stopped, took a breath, and looked for the light.


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