Being a girl who is used to being right, who is used to being followed, who is used to being surrounded is not easy to accept that this time you are alone.
Starting eighth grade was amazing. My friends and I were going to be the biggest at lunch and we seemed to think everything was laughs and unicorns. Anafer was the stresser she stressed about everything but she was still that pretty tall tan girl with brown eyes. Then there was Carmen which we could call Snow White cause she’s as pale as paper and has black hair like the night. Carmen always did the right thing she was our guide. Moni was the smartest of us she had curly brown hair and was as skinny as a stick. Even though she seemed to know it all she did have her other side that me and her had a lot in common. Lastly there was Fer, the girl everyone wanted to be. She had light brown hair, pale skin, and blue transparent eyes. Even though she was stunning there still was another side of her that me and her did not click. She invented rumors, created drama and stayed closed to other girls until she would make them turn on me or any other of my friends. After some weeks of school passed I started becoming really good friends with her. I thought I had a true friend that would never turn her back to me and would never say bad things of me and really cared for me, but even though she didn't and I knew that I stayed closed to her.
I started becoming someone like Fer, the person I would never wanted to become, I started becoming a monster. I talked bad to my friends, told lies, started getting bad grades, It was basically a bad influence that created a monster. Moni and Carmen started getting tired of it but since I blocked them out I did not see it. One week passed and I got Pneumonia and did not go to school for one week. On Friday I was on my phone and started getting a lot of vibrates from our group chat. Everyone left the group.
I started calling my friends and none of them would answer. Some were crying and others just did not care. I finally talked to two of them and they told me what had happened. So on Saturday I called Anafer and we called for more than 3 hours crying, laughing, and mostly reflecting about what just happened. Our friend Fer asked a group of girls if we could hang out with her and they told us yes but the problem was that Anafer and me did not like the idea of hanging out with them. So I asked Liza’s group of friends if I could sit with them, obviously they said yes. So Anafer and me made the decision to go our each ways; she went with some girls and I went with others. Fer decided to tag along with me. On Monday we started to hang out with them everything was good, Fer and me just felt a little excluded but that was okay. The next day Fer told me “They will never accept us in that group.” Due to me being dumb I started believing that, so we went with another group of girls and when we asked them they told us that we used them and that we could not just go to them when we needed help. Fer started acting like she was the victim as always, and started talking bad about me to me and that made me really irritated so I told her in a kind of loud voice “FER! NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU, I CAN MAKE MY DECISIONS TOO!” She got so mad turned around and did not talk to me.
I started having a breakdown. The only friend I had left, I had driven away. I went to the counselor, talked with her and she told me one of the most life changing words I have ever heard, “a lot changes in a few days, months or years.” At first I did not understand it but then it came to me.
The next day Fer was sitting on one table and I was on the other. I decided to tell her sorry because I hate being in fights. I hated me for doing this; I always forgave people and depended on them. Today we were supposed to go to the gym. So I went to her house to eat and while we were there she showed me a paragraph that Itzy one of the girls who did not accepts us wrote. It said “Fer told me that Isabel (me) was the one who forced Fer to go with the ones of Liza, she is a bitch and just used us we should all accept Fer.” And the worst thing of all was that I knew that Fer told all that stuff to Itzy just to get in and I did nothing as usual.
When I read this I started feeling fear, worry and as if everything on my stomach started to rot away, It was as if fire was inside of my stomach. This is called anxiety and this is where all of my anxiety started. The next day I told Fer I am going to go with Liza’s friends and she told me I am going with Itzy. We decided to go our own ways she went to one table and I went to another. The next few days we did not talk and that was perfectly fine with me.
The next couple of days felt like hell. Even though I hanged out with some girls I still did not have my group of friends and it made me feel alone, it made me feel insecure, it made me feel depressed. October 31 I arrived at school and one of my best friend of all time told me “this is going to be your best day of your life.” Then Euge told me “Today is your lucky day, you're going to have lots of fun .” This day got better by the minute and I had a good feeling that something good would happen. I arrived at lunch and all of the girls I started to hang out were smiling at me. My telephone beeped and to be honest I thought it was just my mom but clearly it wasn’t. I grabbed my phone and it said “you have just been added to (group name).” I started to cry. I literally felt a rock got pulled from my chest. I could not handle this, I could not stop crying. Everyone hugged me and the world got so much better. When Fer noticed that I had been accepted into this group her heart froze. Fer now tells me to convince all the girls in my group of friends to accept her. I know that it’s not a nice thing to not accept her because of revenge but also accepting her is like still not letting go. I just want to be able to let her go and not depend on her. The problem is that she still makes rumors about me and my friends, causes problems between us but I still talk to her and am nice to her. I don't understand if I am the one who doesn't let go or her.
It has been hard, it has made me want to be in the darkness, it has given me anxiety, it has given me depression. Even though being in bed hugged by darkness made me feel like all the lights turn off for everyone it was not reality. Letting go seemed something that I would never have been able to do but at the end there was only one thing I had to realize was I happy? I decided to get out of bed, turn on the lights and go on with life because life won’t work itself out alone.