Mark Twain's First Lecture

I was at Lomo ngain, in San Frauc without means and. without employraent. I tortnrèd ray brain for .1 s.aving scherae, of somo kind, and at last a public Iwture occurrod to me. I sat down and wroté pne, in a fover of cxpectation. 1 Bhowed it to Beveral friends, bui they all shook thcir heads. They aaid nobody would como to hofir nio, and I would make a humiliating t'ailure of it. Thoy said t!i I h;nl novcr spoken in public L would break down in the dolivory myhow. I was disconsolatenow. But at last au ditor slapped me on the 1 U and tld me to "go ahead." Ho ,s;iid : " Taki: tho largest houso in town, and charge a dollar a ticket." Thü audaoity of the proposition was cliarming. It seemed fraaght with practical wordly wisdom, how Thé proprietoMof tho severa] tb,eatefa inI the advice and said I might have tho handsomo now opera house at half priflc- fifty dollars. In sheer desperatiou I took it - on credit, for sutuoieiit reasons. In three days I did a hundred and fifty dollars worth of printing and advertiaing, and was tho most distresged and humillated croaturo on tho Pacific coat. I could not sleep - who could undur such circumsiiincesr' For otlrur pe was facetiousness in the line ot' my posuit to me it was plaintivo with a pang when I wroto it : "l)oors open 'at 7 1-2 o'clock. The troublo will eommence at s." That line has done good sexvioa siiioo. I havo seen it appended toa newspaper advertisomont, reminding school ] in v.ication what ti rao tho next term was to begin. As thosc threo days of suspense dragged by I becamo moro and more unbappy. I had sold two hundred tickets amongmy per9onal friends, but I feared (h'V migiit not coinc. My lecture, which li;ul iésmed "huiuorous" to me at first, grew steadily more and more dreary, till not a vestige of fun seemed lelt, and I grieved that I could not bring a cóffin on tho stago ond turn tho thing into a funeral. I was so panic-stricken at list that at to three old friends, giauts in stature, cordial by nature, and stonnyvoiccd, and said : "Thisthïng isgoingto bo a f airare; tho jokes in it are so dim that nobody will ever seo üiein. I would lite to have you sit in the parfjuette and help me through." They Baid they would. Thon I went to the wifo of a popular oitizen, a;nl said that if she was willing tO do me á veiy great kindness I would be glad il' she and hor husband would sit prominently in the lot't-hand stage box, whore tho whole house could see thom. I éxplained that I should need help, and would turn towaidher ünd smili! asa afgnal when L ■en deliveveil ot' an obscuro joke - "and thën," I said, "don't wáit to inv( - oud." . Down the street I met a man I h,ï never seen before. He had been drinking, and was with smiliv: and good nature. 51e said ; " My ñame is Bawyer. You don't know me, but that don't matter; I huvu not gol ii oent, lmt it' you knew how bad I wanted to laugh you would givo ticket. Ci , wht do your laugh hungon a hair tv; that is, is it critical or can it got off easy 'i " drawling infirmity of speech so afI hiru that he laughed a b two tnat struck me as being the article I ed, and I gave him a ticke.t, and apd him to sit in the ircle in the ei nier and be ile for that part of the house. I gave him minute Lnstructions how to detoot indigtónot jokes, and then wont away and left him' ■chuckling plaeidly over the novelty of the ■ on the last of the three -f only sufforcd. I had I that dn the third dar the ot'ould be oponed for the sale of retí;. Ioxeptdown to tho theaí tour ín the afternooh to seo if any sales had been made. Tlic ticketwaa gone, tlio box office was locked r,-.. i Ihad to swallow suddenly ormy heart frould have Lot out. "Xo sales," I said sêlf. I ruight have known it. I ht of nieide, pretended jUnss, t. Ithoughtóf tiifsi! tuinas i.liiu nul scared , course I had to drive them and prepare komeet my fate. I ■ not waitjfor half past seven ; I wariíed ti faoe the liorror and and - the fa ti manya man doonied tobe .hung, nod I went down thestroet at siv o'olock, ani re'd the theater by the back door. gtumbled my wayin the dark amone tbo ,.;ini, isa ecenery and stb'od oi the stage. The house vasglooia; silent, and its cuiptincss depros.sing. I wen1 into the dark aroong tne bc again, and for an hor.r and :i half myself trp ttf the horrors, wholly uncon9C1OUS of ererthing else. Then I h ; mnriDur; it rose higher and higher, and ín ;i cvush, mingled with oheers. it hair riso, it was so close I ánd so loud. There was a pitase, ftOá then another; prcscntly carne a fchird, md bof ore I itiii'W wlint l wiis ibout I was iii tho middle of the stage, staring at a faces, bewiklored by tho fierco glaro of quaking in overy limb wü h a ned like to tafce my lifc -.v:iy. 'rii'' hcrasë wasfull - aislo and all. The tumult in my heart, and bram, and mtinued a full minute before 1 waa ablo to control myself. Thon I rocognizcd tlio cliarity and tho friondliness in tho faces boforo me, and lHtle by littlo ay friglit msltod awayánd I bogan to talk. Within thrco or four minutes I uras comfortable and oven content. My chiof allies, with thrco auxilíanos on hand, in the parqaette, ■ ting togétoer, all afmed witk bludgeons, allreadyi onalaught-npon thi ist joke that raight show ite head m i whenevera joke did falltheir bludgeons carao down and their faces scomoc to split from car to oar. Sawyor, whoso y countenanoe was geen looming redly in tho center of the socond cirole took it up, and the liouso was carriec Inferior jokes never farei go royally before. Presontly Idoli B bitof sérious matter with improssive unotion (it was my pet), and the audience Led with an absorbed hush that grat ifled me more than any ajiplanso ; and a I il mimcd tho last word ót tho olauso I happencel to turn and catch Mrs. - -'s intent r.nd waiting cyo ; my conversation with lier flashed upon me, and in spito of all I could do I smiled, Bhe took it for the signal&nd prompüy delivered a mellow laugh that toucher 1 ofï the wholc nudionce, and tho explosión that foilowod the triumph of tho oveniii: thought that honost man Sawyer would chokehimself; and as for tho bludgpons, they performed like pilo-di-ivors. Biit my poor Uttle moreel of pathoe was ruiuil. It was taken in good f.uth as an itioualjoke, and tho prizo one of the entertainment; and I wisely lit it go at AU uu papors woro kind in tho momin"-; my appetite feturned ; I had a abundanoeof monoy. "AU's well that cmls wel!-" Tt was abrilliánt rond du Lao boy who, siMÚiig a. dog with :i muzzle on for theflrst , exolaimed: "Mamma, mamma, I ata Ui" doj aoop-skirta; there kk: :l ci"f? wil1' .'"-' 6n hiè noso, now."