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An Inflated Cocktail

An Inflated Cocktail image
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Correspondence of the New York World. Chicago, Aug. 15, 1875. Mr. Kelley, whom Mr. Morton does not soruple to oall " a gushing, sloppy tourist," is out here endeavoring to briug the people of the Northwest to a realizing seuse of the necessity for an issue of more ourrency. Rather an amusing and interesting ocourrenoe has transpirad during his visit which has not yet found its way into any of the looal prints, but that the World may deern worthy of publioation. On the morning alter his great inflation speech Mr. Kelley feit athirst and walking down into the bar of the Tremont House bade the attendant barkeeper mix him a whisky oooktail. While the barkeeper was compounding the liquor, syrup, bitters, ioe and water in due proportion, he remarked : " Toa're Senator Kelley aint you V" " I am, but don't be afraid, young man, don't be afraid," affably replied the great stateman. " I thought you was," said the artist in liquors ; " I hear you made a bully speech last night up to McCormack's Hall. Was that all true you told us about them bonds, and more greenbacks and that uther Bhenanigen, eh ?" " True ?" said the apostle of' inrlation ; " of course it was true. I am a man of principie, young man, of strict principie." " Keerect," replied the barkeeper, as he poured the coiupleted cocktail in an amber arch into the glass and fllled a tumbler of water. Mr. Kelley tasted the beverage. " See here, Johnny,"' he said, " cocktail doesn't rise and take me by the throat so much as it should ; I want it to be all to me that the name implies. Just make it stronger and give it to me in a bigger glass, will you r"' The barkeeper promptly transferred the contenta into a water-tumbler and added about twice the quantity of water. Mr. Kelley observed, somewoat testily : ' Helio ! helio ! Whttt are you doing, eh? I wanted a bigger drink, you know," The barkeeper smiled apologetically, and begging Mr. Kelley's pardon, emptied the diluted cocktail into a weis9-bier glass, whioh he brimmed with water. There was an ocean of fluid faintly tinged with a pinkish amber, on the surface of which floated a shred of leiuon-peel. The barkeeper pushed the glasss over to his customer, and affably resting both hands on the counter, asked Uim how tliat suited him. Mr. Kelley first rubbed hia eyes and then pinched himseli to be sure that he was hiniself and awake ; then lowered his spectacles and inspected the keecer narrowly : " Young man, ' he said at last, in bis most solemn tones, " do you cali that a cocktail 'i " Do I cali that a cocktail ?" he replied, pityingly ; " what'n blazes do you cali it F That's the best cocktail the world ever saw. There's whisky in it, there'a gum in it, there's Angostora bitters in it, there's lemon-peel in it, there's water in it, there's ice in it, and don't they make a cocktail ? Besides, it's called a oocktail, juut the sanie as a dollar is called a dollar, and don't that make it a cocktail '{ You can do anything with that cocktail that you could do with any other cocktail ; you can drink it, you oan pay tor it ; don't that make it as good as any other cocktail F What do you take me for 'i Haven't I read your speeches ?" "But," gasped Mr. Kelley, growing very red in the faoe, " there's too much water in it." " Too much water !" rejoined the barkeeper. " Why, you must have so much water in a cocktail, anyhow, mustn't you 'i You get your whisky like what you finaucial sharps cali a reserve, and then you issue your cocktail on that basis. You see, you have an elastic cocktail - a cocktail that adapts itself to the wants of the custoiner. It' he wants a strong drink he don't want much water ; if he wants a long drink I'U inflate his cocktail till its volume equals his necessitiei. I teil you I've studied up this here financial problem." " But, but," stammered Mr. Kelley, " there isn't a drop more whisky all the while, and every drop of water you add weakens and spoils it." "That oau't be," rejoined the barkeeper. " It's just like finance. Whisky's wealth and oocktail's our rency. If you can expand yeur currency without 'any increase of your wealth, and do no harm, why can't you inttate this cocktail up to a hogshead full, and let them buuimers out in the street have a good square nip ?" " You don't understand, ' replied Mr. Kelley. " It's different in finanuial matters. There, there is the relief afforded by my 3.65 interoonvert - " " I know it, I know it," briskly answered the barkeeper ; " I teil you, Mr. Kelley, your head's level. Now, here is my interconvertible oocktail." Th us saying, he poured half of the contents of the weiss-bear glass into au other weiss-bear glass ; then continued : " Now this tumbler is the bonds, and this tumbler is the greenbacks. When you want a long drink you pour into this tumbler as much out of the other one as you want ; if you want a short drink you pour soine out of this tumbler into the other one. It's a big thing." Mr. Kelley was in despair. The barkeeper continued. " You see I want to return to a whisky basis, but I wish to do so without injury to the business interests of the country. Now, if you will wait till the water evaporates and leaves the whisky " Here Mr. Kelley smote the counter with his cane. " Look hero," he shouted, " in spite of your expandiug the volume of that drink, and humbugging me with your idiotie interoonvertible cocktails, and talking about returning to a whisky basis without deranging my interests, don't you see, you bowling ass, that that's the same weak, thin, diluted, mawkish, abominable slush, all the time. I want an immediate return to whisky resumption and no steps backward." "Keerect, " judge," replied the barkeeper, as he threw the infiated cocktail into the sink, " we'll repudíate tui, as they'always do." And hu mixed anothor cocktail on a whisky basis. "But," he said, " s'pose you hadn't had another 15 cents, or that all the whisky in the house had been in that cocktail, where'd you have been, eh ?" Mr. Kelley smilled, and iuvited the barkeeper to join him. The latter complied, and took a little gin, syrup and bitters. Mr. Kelley drank off his cocktail, paid for the drinks, and taking a clove was about to depart, when an after-thought seeined to occur to him. He turned back and said : " See here, Johnny, you're a smart young fellow, and I've enjoyed your conversation very much. But, then, you see the - ah ! the fmancial problein is a thing that people oau't exactly underatand in all lts rainiiicatious without a special education, a training, you know. Of oourse, it affects all people, but all people can't underataud it ; it isn't to their interest that they should."


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