Uncle Ned's Defense

My brcdrcn an' ristah&I rises foh to 'fpl;iin Dis ninttuh dat you's tatkin' 'bout - I hope to muite it plain. Tb bcrry sorry dat de t'ing hab come befo' de chu'ch, wlien I 'splains'it you will sec Mat it'am nuflin much. My frien's, your humble speakah, whilc trablin' bore below, Hal) nebber cared to board up gqjd au' Kilver fob to show ; We 'a only stoppin' here a spcll ; we all hab got to die, Au' bo I always tries to lay iny treasahs up on high. Dar's jest one t'ing dat posters ine, au1 dat ani din, you eee, De ravens fcdjold 'Lijah, but de critters'won't feed me. Deya got above dar business, an' jast goes ewoopin' rouu', An' nebber turns to look at nie a-waitin' on de grotm'. I WBited niighty sartiu like ; my faith was pow'ftil Btrong ; I reckoned dat dem pewky birds would phuuhly bc along. But oh, my l'rieu'ly hcarahs, my faith it cotched a fnll, De aggravatin' ïovrlti went by, an' nebber stopped at all. De meal an' nou' was airaos goue, de pork bar'l gettin' low, An' HO one day I 'cluded dat I had bethih go To Brudder JohuHon's 'tater-patch an' borry jest a few, 'Twafi evonin' 'iore I got to start, I had so nttich to do. It happoned dat de night was dark, but dat I didn't min', I knowed de way to dat ar pateh, 'twae easy 'nu ff to fin', Au' don I didn't car' to meet dat Johnson, foh I knowed Dat he would sass me 'bout de mess ob Maters that I owed. Agot de baekit f uil at las', and tuk Vin on my back, I n' den was gwine to tote 'eni home, when somrthin' went ker-whack. I t'ought it was a cannon, but it jest turned out to be Dat Johnson'8 olc hoss-pistol a-pointin' straight j at me, I tried to argufy wid him ; I 'pologized a heap, But he said dat stcalin' Haters was mean as stealin' Bheep. Ob course I couldn't take dat ar'; it had an ug]y eoun', The only t'ing foh me lo do was jlet to knook hini down. My brearen an' istahs, de story ani all told (Ob conree I pounded Johnson till he yclled foh me ' to hold), An' now I hopes you 'grees wid me dat dlfi yere case, an' trncb, Ani bcrry triflin1 mattahs to fotch befo' de cliuYh.