He Went Behind The Returns

Over one eye was a piece of stiekingplaster as big as a street-car ticket, and one le-j seemed to hesitate and hitch along as thongh a grain or two of gravel had somehow got into the knee joint and made trouble and dissatisfaction. His boots were as full of Bqueak as a boarding-houFe rocking-chair, and the heels were edging around and trying to climb up nnd see what the pantaloons were made of. His eyes had a wandering, startled, half frightened sort of look, and one of them seemed inolined to set up an observatory on its own account. His nose had started out boldly into the world, but, after alight progress, had thought better of it, changed its mind and scooted for home again. This move had aroused the curiosity of the chin, and it sallied out resolutely to find out how matters stood. When they came within haüing distance, both organs seemed to talco alarm at the hostile appearance of the intervening chasm of a ïnouth, and halted right where they were. The man was very polite though awkwardly so, and pulled off his napless, rusty stove-pipe hat, with n springy, nervous movement, the instant he crossed the door-sill, and came forward with a crouching, hesitating air, seomingly fearful that his intrusión might be unwarranted. He came to a full stop with a bow that made his ribs rattlo, and asked with a voice afraid to come out all at once : " Is - the - editor - in?" He was. "Be- yon- he?" Such was the case. By this time the man's voico had pretty mach all gottogetlicr, and poured out with confidenee : " No print is shut up from you. You're bettor acquainted with words than I am witli my own relations. They can't fooi you. The minute you clap your eyes on 'em you can cali 'em by name, can't you ? They don't get start of you much no matter if they're as big as a hoss blankct, do they?" Nary time they didn't. " Then I'm in the right shop, and needn't go any furder. I want you to liolp me out of a littlc mess. As we was sayin', you can't be fooled by anything in the word business. For instance, a word that hadu't no business in a verse couldn't ring in on you, could it ? You'd collar it at sight au' pitch it out an' chuck in the right one, wouldn't you ?" Most likely. "Ah-hah ! T thought so. Now we're comin' to the scratch. You see the trouble is just this; me nor my ole wonian neither '.ne has mucli book sonso, but each one's got their own idees, and we freeze to 'em tighter'n wax. If she says a thing's so, she'd lose every tooth in her head afore she'd back water; an', as for me, I'm purty much on the same stump. We've been married now risin' thirty ycar, and have grown children, but there's one pint that we allus knock our heads together on, an' it's made us heapso' trouble; we've skrimmaged over it year arter year, but we're no nigher gittin' it settled atween our two selves to-day nor we was the first year we was jined. We've wrangled and fussed, an' tiirown np one anothers relations, an' overhauled our failin's no eend o' times, but no good; I'm satisfiednow we never can settle it that way, an' as we're both old, an' there's no tellin' when one or t'other might drop off, I thought as it would be a rnighty sight o' satisfaction to know afore that time comes who's bin right about it all this while, an' it popped into my head that we'd leave it to a nmpire, an' so get shut of it for good, an' so aftor talkin' it over last night, pro an' con. we've both elected you, and my business here now is to get your judgment on the question. An' what we want to know is, wlnch is right, ' them molasses,' or ' those molasses.' " When the old man received the mortifying information that they had both been in a fog, he said it would be downright purgatory for him to go home with that decisión, and the only chance for peace on earth would be for him to stand by " those molasses " to the last. - Cindnnati Breakfast Table.