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Funny Mark Twain

Funny Mark Twain image
Parent Issue
Day
19
Month
April
Year
1878
Copyright
Public Domain
OCR Text

I have been warned - as, no doubt, have all among you that are inexperieneed - that a dinner to our Ambassador is an occasion which demands, and even requires, a peculiar caution and delicacy in the handling of the dangerous weapon of speech. I have been warned to avoid all mention of international politics, and all criticisms, however mild, of conntries with which we are at peace, lest such utterances embarrass our Minister and our Government in their dealiugs with foreign states. In a word, I have been cautioned to talk, but be careful not to say anything. I do not consider this a difficult task. Now, it has often oecurred to me, the conditions under which we live at the present day. " With the revelations of theology all about us, viewing, upon the one hand, the majestic configurations of the Silurian, Ooolitic- old red sandstone periods, and, upon the othor, the affiliations, and stratifications, and ramifications of the pre-historie, post-pliocene, ante-pennltimate epochs, we are stricken dumb with amazed surprise, aud can only lift up our hands and say with that wise but odious Frenchman- it waa a slip of the tongue, sir, and wholly unintentional - entirely unintentional. It would ill-become me, upon an occasion like this, purposely to speak slightingly of a citizen of a country with which we are at peace, and especially great and gracious Trance, whom God preserve ! The subject, however, is a delicate one, and I will not pursue it. as I am about to remark - cast your eye abroad, sir, for one pregnant moment over the vista which looms up before you in the mighty domain of intellectual progression, and contémplate the awe-compelling theory of the descent of man ! Development, sir ! Development I Natural selection ! Correlation of the sexes ! Spontaneous combustión ! what gulfs and whirlwinds of intellectual stimulus these magie words fling upon the burning canvas of the material universe of soul ! Across the chasm of the ages we take the oyster by the hand and cali him brother; and back, and still further back, we go, and breathe the germ we cannot see, and know in him our truer Adam ! And, as we stand dazed, transfixed, exalled, and gaze down the long procession of life, marking how steadily, how symmetrically, we have ascended, step by step, to our sublime estáte and dignity of humanity- out of one lowly form into a little higher, and a little higher form - adding grace after grace, and function after function, with each and every change - developing from tadpoles into frogs, frogs into fishes, fishes into birds, birds into reptiles, reptiles into Kussians 1 beg a million pardons, sir, and gentlemen; it was a wholly innocent slip of the tongue, and due only to the pxcitement of debate, for f ar be it from me, upon suchan occasion as this, to cast a seeming slur upon a great nation with which we are at peace - a great and noble Christian nation - whom God expand ! But, as I was about to remark, I main;ain - and nothing can ever drive me 'rom that position - that the contribu;ions of the nineteenth century to science and the industrial arts are - are - Dut of course they are. There is no need to dweil upon that. You look at it yourself . Look at steam 1 Look at the steamboat, look at the railway, look at ;he steamship ! Look at the telegraph, which enables you to flash your thoughts :rom world to world, ignoring intervening seas. Look at the telephone, which enables you to speak into affection's remote ear the word that cheers, and into ;he ear of the foe the opinión which you ought not to risk at shorter range. Look at the sewing machine, look at the fogïorn, look at the bell-punch, look at the jook-agent. And, more than all, a ;housand times, look at tue last and ;reatest, the aerophone, which will enajle Moody and Sankey to stand on the allest of the Rocky mountains and deiver their message to listening America - and neeessarily it ivill annul and do away with the pernicious custom of taking up a coliection. Look at these things, sir, and say if it is not a far )rouder and more precious boon to have iieen bom in the nineteenth century han in any century that went before it. Ah, sir, clothed with the all-sufïcient grandeur of citizenship in ;he nineteenth century, even the wild and arid New Jerseyman might - a miske, sir, a mistake, and entirely uninentional. Of all the kingdoms, principalities, and countriea with which it is imr privilege to hold peaceful relations, [ regard New Jersey as dearest to our admiration, dearest to our heart, the wisest and the purest among the nations. I retire the undiplomatic language, and beg your sympathy and indulgence. But, as I was about to remark, it has always seemed to me - that is, of course, sinca I reached a reasoning age - that this rnuch agitated question of future rewards and punishments was one upon whieh honest and sincere differences of opinión might exist; one individual, with apparently equal justice, but with inïnitely more cornmon sense, more intelligence, more justiflcation, leans to a bitter and remorseless detestation of the pitiless Prince of Perdition - a slip of the tongue, I do sincerely assureyou - I beg you to let me withdraw that unintentional slur upon the oharacter of that great and excellent personage with whom and whose country we are upon the closest and warmest terms, and who - it is no use, so I will sit down ; I don't seem to have any knack at a diplomatic speech. I have probably oompromised the country enough f or the present.

Article

Subjects
Old News
Michigan Argus