, A SHAM-roo- Affected eontcmpt. The song of the top - Hum again. A gross mistake - Eleven dozen for twelve. Noah kept his bees in the ark Inven, of course. Safetv valves - Bivalvos for thé heit eight months. Oïstkks have a language of their own, and clams stew. Nothing has so many ties binding it to earth as a railroad. Hot Scotch- Those who lost by tho Glasgow Bank failure. In Hindoostan they eall the paragrapher's labor the Punjaub. Tuk Western wits now cali biganiy Utah-lizing the female sex. Best thing to do when yon go shopping with ladies - Take notes. "You may rest asswred," as the lifeinsurance fiend remarked to liis victim. He saw a negro smoking a new meorschaum. "Graeious!" ho exclaimcl. "why, how the pipe is coloring him !" "The parting gives me pain," sighed the man who was combing his hair for the first time after a two-weeks' spree. Too Mt'CH balcony, and not enough Borneo, is what is sending thousands of Ameriea's fair daughters to an early grave. A mas's ambition is to be credited with some great feat, while a woman is only happy with small feet. And so we go. If a man is on his war to the woods to commit suicide and a buil suddenly gives chase, the chances are that he will run for his life. . "Ma," said a little girl, "what is all tliis fuss about trade-marks? Is it the trade-marks that make so many wrinkles in pa's forehead?" "Cruel, cruel man," said the civilized person, "yon ate your venerable pa." " Ungrateful being," replied the savage, " you let the worms eat yours." Wars come so thick in Etjrope that the soldiers don't have a chance to sit down for a few moments' rest, and henee the necessity for keeping standing armies. An Irish shoemaker lately advised a customer, when he complained of his new boots bemg tight, not to put tliem on nntil he had worn them for a doy or two. A Germán farmer disputed his tax bill. He said : "I pays the State tax, the eounty tax and the school tax ; but bytam! I pays no total and ne ver had any." "We never saw a man," says au exohange, "who thought it a sin to steal an umbrella." Then you never saw a man whose umbrella had jjist úeen stolen. f " Inqcirer " wants to know if a man is necessarily considered polite if he " bows to a decisión." That depends on whether he does it with " good gracc" or not. Waiter - " Beg pardon, sir, but I think you've made a mistake. This is a half -penny ! " Old gent (grandly) - " Oh. dear, no ; 'not at all ! I never give lees ! " - Punch. Qvack - "So you prefer my medicines to those of Dr. Pillsbury? " Hts. Mulligan - "Och, indade, docther dear. ye'er a dale better thiui the other ould humbug." A SIBSCRIBER wrote to a journal fo make some inqniries about the nest world's fair, whereupon the wicked editor replied that he was under the iinpression that the next world wouldn"t have any fair. "I know where there is another arm just as pretty as this one," said a young Oil Citizen to his sweetheart, as he pinched her fair armyesterday evening. The storm that quickly gathered upon the lady's brow as quickly passed away wlien the young man pinched her othér arm, and said, " It is this one, dear."Derrick.