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Great Labor-saving Invention

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This i-s an age of invention, umi there is no knowing what a day may bring forth. Prominent educators have for years racked their braina and consumed ïuidnight oil to devise tomo method whereby tho youthful student, the urchin with thick-soled pantaloons, could be chastised as the gravityoi bis offenso might demand, without inflicting a more severe punishment apon the lady teaeher's hand thau upui tho cliild. Previons to the invention oi' this machine, principáis of schools have WBpi to seo their assistants go around with their arma in a sling from the effectg of punishing scholars. In many instances excellent teachers, who loved their caUing, have been compelled to resign their I positions, and get marriod, bëcause tlicv had too mueh on their hands. The matter lias been discussed at the vavious institutos, and it had been almóst dceidrd to adopt capital ptinishmont, instead of the time-honored taking across the knee, when the inventor of this machine stepped in, and, by the simple devico nbove illustrated, has saved the lives of many valuable young ones. The heart of the inventor was touched at seeing a frail sehoolma'am. with her right hand swollod up to the , size of a canvas ham., from agitating a boy who had wickedly placed a piece of clapboard inside of his trowserloons, when he knew that the teacher was on the war path af ter him. He was ;i bad I boy, and will probably fetch up in Coni gress. The teacher was weeping, and saying she would be eussed if she didn't run that boy through a threshing machine before she got through with him. The idea at once truck tho inventor that a macliina could be eonstructed that wonld tan the jacket, as it were, of the young Modoo, and yqa see the result of careful thought and study in the machine before you. AS A SPANKING MáCHIKB. "What a ehange. Instead of reading the of punishing scholara, and sbivering at the prospect of blistered hands, the teacher cim enjoy the )erformance, and look forward to the hour for doing up the day's spanking with a feeling of pleasure and gladness, and the frown formerly storcotyped on the face of the average schoolma'am givea place to an angelic smile. She scats herself at the instrument, with n dime novel in her hand, after plaoing the condemned urchins in a row witiiin reach of the hoistiiig apparatus, or icej tonga; she smiles, touches the snatchj brake with her foot, aud tho doomed archín is launched into- if noteternity, he will think so before that hand Iets np on him. With a smile plaving over her features she works her "tiny hooi and the avenging hand despenda, the I boy says his "now I lny me," and the old machine works as though endowed with life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. [Care should be taken not to svork the machino too rapidly at tirst, as it may make it hot - for the boy. Or it miglit teleseope his xjjinal meningitis, with fatal resulte. Any teacher can work it all right after perchanee killing a few scholars of the cheaper kind.] It will only take a moment of treading to make any ordinary boy sorry he enlisted, when he can be dropped and the next can be snatched. A whole school can be spanked in fifteen minutes if the teacher is anything of a treader. We make differént-sized machines, suitable for the primary department, the intermedíate, the High School, the Normal School and the State UniYtTsity. AS A SELF-RAKKi;. Tho ease withwhich tliïs machine can be changod from one thing to another will couvince the reader thá it is almost human. It will remind ono of a politician, every timeitchanges. To ehange it from a spankiug machino to a selfraker, all you have to do is to unscrew the " hand," remove it and scïbW on a íine comb, chango ends with the boy, and proceed to seárch for things that live, and move, and have a beiug, and bite boys' heads. This will ttind to relieve motherof much searching investígation, as the school teacher can, by simply usingher foot, keep the heads of all the chiídren freo from tho festivo búg, that at times makes lifeabnrden. AS AN EDITORIAL PROTECTOR. Every editor in the land will thank us, on his hended knees, for this invention, as it solves a problem that has distuxbed the minds of the knights of tho scissors for many generations, viz. : How to extermínate the exchange fiond, the man who steals exchai when you are busy writing. The editor can have a jnachine sitting in hisoÈfice. In place of tho hand of Providencc, we screw on a cast-iron fist, weighing 700 pounds. If you desire to simply inaim the fiend for life, you work tuo treadle mildly, and merely mash his oye out, and italicize liis noso aud break iii-. jaw-bone. But if he is an old offender, and you want to make au example of him, you keep treading, and the pile driver will come down on him like a President on a Postmaster, and break every bone in his body, and flatten him as thin as one of Colfax's vindications. AS A HASH CUTTER. To transform the machino into a Lash cutter, it is only necessary to unjoint the hand, and put in its place an ordinary ehopping-knife, and set the machine to running. ('Of course it is understood that tho boy shottld bo removed and a piece of beef hoisted in its place, unless you are fond of boy luush.) We have testimoniáis from some of the best hotels in the Stato, where our machine has been raed as a hadh cutter, and they all nnite in pronouncing it the most successful aid to the dissemination of meat that has lost its charm for qoarders that they ever saw. Only one accident has occurred thus far. At a Madison hotel, the proprietor had been chastising one of the dining-room girls with tho machine, and stepped out to I see a man, leaving the girl hoisted on the ico tongs. The cook took the machine to cut some meat for hash, and forgot to take the girl down, and she was out flner than mustard-seed. One of the boarders was the iirst to discover the tragedy. He got a piece of earring on his plate, and immodiately gave the alarm, but it was too late. The funeral w as largely atended. These accidenta j need not occur, if the manipulator of the machino uses ordinary eaution. There is no end to the different oses to whioh the machine can be put. Anything that reqtiires a strong horizontul niotion, can be done botter by machinei-y, and this machine vill riü a want long feit. But it is as an urchin chastiser that its principal inerit lies, and in which its owner expects to amass a fortune. It ís not only in the school-room that the machine can be utilized, but in the family. Any fnmily that has thirtyfive or forty children can mako a machine pay for itself in a year, and tho work eau be done ranch more satisfactoiily. Where families are smaller, several can club togethcr and own one in partnership, and some one can be appointed to chastise a whole neighborJiood. The. iuvwition of this machine opens a fleld for the unemploye.d by which they can make a good living. femóle book agenta can buy a machine and niount it on a wheelbarrow, aud go about from houso to hotise, doing jol)s that any niother would be glad to pay a quarter t ;í(t oft" Ler


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