The lircman s poet - Burns. The puff contradictory - A sweet tart. Dropping a privateer - Weeping in secret. The day after washing day is one of sad irony. Jones says he shall never forget his mother's slap. A paper that is always full of good points - A paper of needies. There is nothing like a shorthand reporter to take a.man down. A ten-dollar bilí is of the feminine gender when it is the fair's X. The man who is always as " cool as a cucumber" is generally as green. In the times of Noah the floods ruled the earth. It was reign water then. How to draw a girl out - Seat her upon a sled, seize the end of the ropc and run. A prima donna is naturally a timid creature, for her art is always in lier throat. - Puck. Dancing has been introduced into the army. Probably you have heard of its squad-drills. The " watch-dog's honest bark " may be all rie;ht, but it is the quiet dog that puts in the bites. A "Western woman has lost two husbands by Hghtning. She ought to marrv a conductor. The only unfavorablo report abonfc " Grandfather's Clock," is that it went ninety years on tick. All the signers of the Declaration of Independence signed their names with quill pens except one - he signed his Witherspoon. " Why should we celébrate Washington's birthday more than mine?" asked a teacher. " Becanse ho never told a lie ! " shouted a little boy. An Irishman says that " it is a great pleasure to be alone, especially av your swateheart was wid ye." Antique jest, Eastlake school - very rare. It is said that afternoon marriages are the present style inEngland. Can't be. There never was a marriage before Eve. What, never? No, never. Customer - " Mother wants a nice slump chicken, please." Shop-man - Trussed, , miss ?" Customer - " Oh dear, no! I am going to pay for it." The schools are deprived of the presence of many a boy who has just enough of a sore throat to keep bim at home in the back yard building snow forts. ." I walked the floor all night with the toothache," said he; to which his unfeeling listener replied, " You didn't expect to walk the ceiling with it, dil jou?" While in a Western town Camilla Urso took her violin into the county poor-house and delighted the inmates. Good girl to play for nothing to poor houses. A BABHFUL young man applied to his village paper on the important subject, " How to win a woman's love." The reply was, " Kiss the babies, caress the tomcat, and give strict attention to the old lady." When a woman goes visiting she wants shoes fully two sizes too small; but it is astounding what a deal of comfort the same woman can extract from a ]iair of slippers three sizes too large in her own house. WHY HE DID IT. Mary had a little lamp; Her lover, all nerene. Extinttuished it, for he did not Want any careas seen. What makes the youth love Mary so? I'Il teil you - she's a catch ; Alld he pilt out the lamp, you know. That he might a match. It was Daniel O'Connell who wittily emphasized the difficulty of putting a good deal of sense into a few words, by writing to the editor of a Dublin newspaper, " I send you a long letter, becM.se I haven't time to write a short one." HOW TO USE A FAN. Amelia waved her fan with glee. And, being in a playtnl ninrd, She (jave the toy to me. And hade me flirt it f I could. The plapsing task I rjiiu-k began, But jealous panps niy boKoni liurl : "Madam, I cannot flirt a fan- But with your leave ril fan a flirt." Old Baii was bitterly prejudiced ïgainst the bonny Scots. BosweU, his biographer and worshiper, observing that there was no instance of a beggar dying of want in the streets of Scotland, "I believe, sir, you are very right," replied Jonson, " but this does not arise Erom want of beggars, but from the impossibility of starving a Scotchman."