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Humorous

Humorous image
Parent Issue
Day
28
Month
February
Year
1879
Copyright
Public Domain
OCR Text

Bred on the Waters - The ancient mariner. A bent pin on a chair is the turning point of many a boy's career. Time will by-and-by hang up iiis scythe, that is when he shall be 110 er. There's no denyiug ut mere are tiyee Dopoïar kinps - smoking, drinkng and talking. Kansas is the most fertile State in ,he Union ; one potato lii.ll turned out ïalf a bushei of rattle-snakes last feil, The young man who wrote and asked ïis girl to accept a "bucket" of flowers became a little pale when she said slie vooden ware it. A little Milwaukee lad lately drank i pint of red paint while his mother's ack was turned. It is evident that ie had caught the "interior decoraion fever. The farmer should sow his P's, keep üs U's warm, hivc his B's, kill off the I's, remember what he C's, take care of the Vs, pay all he O's, teach his wife not to T's, and take his E's. The people live uncommon long in Vermont. There are twomen there so ild that they have quite forgotten who they are, and there is nobody alive who can remember it for them. There is no nonsense about the honest Deadwoodians. The most vigorous Waltter at a dance there last week excused himself at half-past 11 because ie had a stage-coach to rob at 12. Among the gifts of a bride was a iroom with the following: "This trifling gift accept of me: lts use I would commend : In sunshine nse the brushy part, In storm the other end." "Mamma," said a wicked youngster, 'am I your canoe ?" "No, child, why do you ask ?" "Oh, because you al ways say yovi like to see folks paddie their own canoe : and I didn't know but may je 1 was yours." The boy went out of ;he door with more reference to speed ;han grace. White a country parson was preaching, the chief of his parishoners, sitting near the pulpit, was fast asleep, whereupon he said : "Now, beloved f riends, I am in a great strait ; for if I speak too softly those at the further end of the church cannot hear me, and if I talk too loudly 1 shall wake the chief man of the parish." Some lawyers in one of the New Yo-k ■- (irtn wore prtiaiinf!; üiomselvcs to m;ike long speeches upon a question of costs, a few days ago. The judge stopped them at the beginning, and and asked the amount of the controversy ; and on learning that it was only two dollars, took out his wallet, peid the amount, and ordered the clerk to cali the next case. "IIow much to insert this death?" asked a person at a newspaper office. "F uur shillings." '-Why,I paid but two shillings the last time I inserted one." "That was a common death," said the publisher ; "this is sincerely regretted." 'Til teil you what," said the applicant, "your executors will not be put to that expense." Magistrate (to husband) - Yon are accused of having on several occasions maltreated your wife. Husband- Bont believe a word that she tells you. Your honor; towards her I have always been as sweet as sugar. Wife - Ye-es, you have; as sugarcane, you wicked creature. The World'sfahle: ACatwithnine Lives and a decided Taste for Experimental Philosophy, expended eight of his Li ves in vain Endeavors to die in such a manner as would enable his Heirs to prefer a Claim that the Company would not contest. At theninth Attempt he succeeded, and passed away with the Sweet Unconsciousness that the Company had that Morning been placed in the Paws of a Keceiver. who said. that he had Hopes of being able, in Time, to pay 1% purr cent. to the Policy-holders. The recent spring-like days remind us that the Norristown Herald man is not a success as a weather prophet. Laat fall he assured his readers that the winter would be the coldest experienced in this latitude since the country was discovered by a man named Mr. Columbus. He said the squirrels were laying in their winter coal, the bea vers" were putting heaters in the basement of their lodges, the bees liad killed off all their drones and lined their hives with sheet iron, the muskvats were fiying south, wild ducks were committing suicide, the goosebone. was black sixteen inches deep editora were soliciting wood in excliange for subsciptions, poor families were buying an extra dog, and that he had a new collar put on his overcoat ; all of which shows that editors as woll as muskrats, are sometimes the victims of niisplaced coniidence. In a northern town, the lads of a school acquired the habit of smoking and resorted to the most ingenions methods to conceal the habit from the master. In this they were successful until one evening when the master caught them puffing most vigorously. "How now !" shöuted he to one of the culprits. "HoP dare you be smoking !" 'Sir, I am subject to headaches, and a pipe takes off the pain." "And you, and you, and you," inquired the pedagogue,questioning every boy in his turn. One had a raging toothache, another colic, the third a cough; in short, they all had something for which the weed was a sure remedy "Now, sirrah!" bellowed the master to the last boy ; "pray what disorder do you smoke forV" Alas, all the excuses were exhausted ; but the interrogated urchin, putting down his pipe, and looking up in his face, said, in a whining, hypocritical tone, "Sir, I smoke for corns." - Philadelphia Press. In this winter weather, when dwellings in a civilized community are kept comfortable only by the full power of modern heating appliances, the quostion naturally arises: How does the Indian on the plains of the Northwest manage to keep his wigwam ?

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Subjects
Old News
Michigan Argus