Old Stories That Are Good

Mistress of herself was the spouse of the old gentleman who contrived to tumble off the ferry-boat into the Mississipi, and was encouraged to struggle for dear life by his better-half shouting- "There, Samuel, didn't I teil youso? Now, then, work your legs, flap your arms, hold your breath, and repeat tlie Lord's prayer; for it's mighty onsartin, Samuel, whether you land in Vicksburg or eternity !" Thoroughly oblivious of court manners was the red-cloaked old Kentish dame who fonnd her way into the tent occupied by Queen Charlotte, at a vol unteer review, held shortly after he coming to Engiard, and, after starin; at the royal lady with her arms akimbo observed, - "VVell, I declare, she's not so ugly a they told me she was !" The astonished queen gratefully ac cei'tod tlila compliment, saying, - "Well, my guod woman, I am very glad of that, I assure you." The General of the Unitec States once received an odd officia communication. The Kaeborn postmastér, new to his duties, writing to his superior officer, said, - "Seeing, by regulations, that I am required to send you a letter of advice I must plead in excuse that I have been postmastér but a short time; bu I will say, if your office pay is no bet ter then mine, I advise you to give i up." To this day that postmaster-genera has not decided whether his subordi nate was an ignoramus or was quietly poking fun at him. John Phcenix, the American humor ist, being one night at a theatre, fancied he saw a friend some three seats in front of him. Turning to his nex neighbor, he said, - "Would you be kind enough to toucl that gentleman with your stick ?" "Certainly," was the reply, and the thing was done. But when the individual thus as saulted turned round, Phoenix saw he was not the man he took him for and became at once absorbed in the play, leaving his friend with the stick to settle matters with the gentleman in front, which, as he liad no excuse handy, was not done without considerable trouble. When the hubbub was over, the victom said. - "Didn't you teil me, sir, to tap that man with my stick ?" "Yes." "And what did you want ?" "Oh," said Phoenix, with imperturable gravity, "I wanted to see whether you would or not." While Gen. Thomas was inspecting the fortiflcations of Chattanooga witl: Gen. Garrield, they heard some one shout, - "Helio, mister I You! Yes, I want to speak to you!" Gen. Thomas, turning, found he was the "mister" so politely hailed by an East Tennesseean soldier. "Well, my man," said he, "what do you want with me f "I want to get a furlough, mister, that's what I want," was the reply. "Why do you want a furlough, my man ?" inquired the general. "Waal, mister, I want to go home and see my wife.'' "How long is it, my good fellow, since you saw her?" "Ever since I enlisted; now nigh onto three months." "Three months I" exclaimed the astonished commander. "Why, I have not seen my wife for three years." The Tennesseean looked incredulous, and drawled out, - "Waal, you see, me and my wife ain't that sort."