(Jhurch singers lead a life of chants. ïhe telescope maker has an eye-tube business. It is wonderful how a rich papa improves a girl's looks. Why is a mosquito like a ship's hawser P lts best hold is its bight. Nature can beat the circus man all to nothing in the back-ward spring net. In tliis busy land a man is always liable to be aronsed f rom his sleep ; bu in Ireland they never wake a person unül he is dead. "Great heavens!" he murmured, as the dealer named the price, "1 don't want a whole strawberry ; I only want a small slice off the round " The Phüadelphia Chronicle thinks that a single green pea, f astened in the shirt front is now a more costly ornament than a diamond. Things have come to such a pass in Wisconsin that the Fon du Lac Reporter urges the planting of at least one bulldog with every water-melon seed. Methuselah would have livedlonger, but the mail on the street car who always says "there's room for one more," wore him out and he died prematurely. [ Chicago Times. "ïwenty years ago," said a eolored philosopher, "niggers was wi l athousiand dollars apiece. Now they would be deah at two dollars a dozen. It's 'stonishing how the race am runnin' down." A fond mother, hearing that an earthquake was coming, sent her boys to a friend's in the conntry to escape it. Af ter a few days she received a note from the fiïend, saying, "Take your boys away and send along the earthquake instead." A short time ago a Danbury man had forty dollars stolen from him. The thief was subsequently struck with remorse, and sent back twènty dollars, with a note to the effect that assoon as he received more remoisehe would send back the rest. A pickpocket taken with his hand in soine one else's pocket endeavored to invent all manner of impossible explanations of the phenomenon. "What's the use of our trying to lie about it so clumsily ?" said the magistrate, benevolently; "haven't you alawyer?" Cbief Moses addressed the President, at a recent reception, in the Indian tongue, and the flrst word of his speech was Cugtunnequattakkullummevuttapesittukmettalletumquah. Secretary Evarts retired in an agony of grief and mortitication. - Boston Post. An Irishmen went to the theater for the iirst time. .Tust as the curtain descended on the first act a boiler in the basement exploded, and he was blown through the roof, coming down in the next street. Af ter coming to his senses he asked : "An what piece do yez play nixt ?" Gloves Xext Time! - "Do you reside in this city ?" asked a masked man of a masked lady at a San Francisco masquerade party. He feit faint when, in the well-known voice of his wife, she said to him, in low tones, "Don"t be a fooi, John ; I know you by that wart on your thumb !" On a recent trip of a western steainboat bread was served at dinner one day which tasted strongly of coal oil. The captain asked the baker if he did not know that kerosene had got into the flour. He admitted that he did. "Why didn't you feed the flour to the chickens, then V" was asked. "Oh," he replied, "1 was afraid it would kill 'em."