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A set speech - One in type. Staple articles - Padlocks. Well-wishers - Thirsty travellers. Often above par - a bald head. A crude interest- A petroleum-well. Of all natural men Audubon was the naturalist. The rock on which families are established is rock the eradle. "Irony of the law - Sentencing a blaokSmith for "forgery." A lady, describing an ill-natnred ïan, says henever smiles, butlie feels liiamed of it. An Arabian proverb says, "The idle re a peculiar kind of dead, who canot be buried," Tira things ro off ín a hurry - an arow dismissed from a bow, and a beau ismissed by a belle. The best medicine for a sick man is o back him up against a mulé. That nimal will heel hiro. A farmer was killed by his liired ïan and the coroner's verdict was, Death by his own hand." The Worcester Gazette notes it as a gn of better times that the average uryman is now eager to be excused 'rom service. Every time a young lady hands ïim her album David Davis writes jove his name the sentiment, Veight makes the man. It was not Beecher, but another arson, who said in prefacing his sernon : "My f riends, let us say a few 'ords before we begin." Gkace (whispering) : "What lovely )oots your partner's got, Mary I" Mary ditto) : "Yes, unfortunately he shines t the wrong end." - Punch. When a society reporter wishes to mlt a plain, vulgar girl, he remarks ïat she is as beautiful as she is accomlished. - Boston Post. A statue has just been erected at ydney, New South Wales, to the memry oí Capt. Cook. We believe he was arved there once before. A Mame man got lost m the woods, nd lived four days on wild onions. At the end of the time he was found jy the bouqnet of his breath. It's always the big fellows that get o the front in a crowd. Look at the ;rawberry box for instance; the little nes are always at thebottom. The Syracuse Times marvels at the conomy of a woman who buys a flveollar frame for a fifty cent chromo 'liich she drew with a pound of tea. A Xew-Orleans man, being just about o fail, was asked how many cents he ntended to pay on the dollar. "Just g many as I can borrow," was the rely. Very kind gentleman: "Do yod ''JftW'ailPtníryí1?'0 i'w.V.r: ivtrue; but your presence makes ie forget it." We read in a foreign letter, printed n a Hew York weekly paper, that foulouse is a large town containing pward of 00,000 inhabitafrits, built enrely of brick?" When you hear a country church hoir singing. "There will be no more orrow there," you conclude at once mt the aforesaid choir will not be ermitted to sing. "Wliat is the meaning of a bacltiter '(" asked a gentleman at a Sunday chool examination. It went down the class until it carne to a boy who said "Perhaps'it's a flea." "Paddy," said a joker, "why don t you get your ears cropped ; they are entireïy too long for a man." "And yours ought to be lengthened." replied Pat; they are too short for an ass." Kdison is invenüng a machine that will nuil 1,000 campaign lies to the counter in an hour. He expects to have it in the market before the campaign of 1880 begins to boom. Before marriage a man is generally greeted by his sweetheart with: "My darling, is ityou?" after marriage she generally rushes to the door and shouts, ■'Hugh lïenry, wipe your boots." They haveanew way of hatching chickens in the West, by which a single maternal fowl is made to do the duty of a hundred. They lili a barrel with eggs and place a hen on the bunghole. It makes a stuttering man awful mad to be drawn into a discussion about the 'reraonetization of the dollar of our fathers " and the' necessity of an introconvertible bimetallic currency." "My dear Julia," said one pretty girl to another, "can you make up your niind to marry that odious Mr. Snuft?" - "Why, my dear Mary," replied Julia, "I believe I could take him at a pinch !" Last Sunday a Sunderland superin;endent, after the lesson was closed, asked the little boys the followiag jook : "Who knows better than father or mother?" A little five-year-old iromptly responded, ' I do." "De mortuis nil nisi inalum." - "Ilis acts made him immoral, and he lives more than ever," were the words oí a müiister at a funeral; but the compositor put it in this fashion, "His acts made him iiamortal. and he lies worse than ever." "What shalll preach about?" said a minister to the pastor of a colored dock which he was to address. "Well, mos' aiiy subject will be 'ceptable," was the reply; "only I'd like to gib youone word obcaution." "Ah! what is that V" Well, ef I was you, I'd tech vverry light on de Ten Cominandments." "Indeed! and whyV" "Oh, eos I hab notise dat dey mos' always hal) a damp'nin effect on de congregation." March of Education.- Newsboy: "Pal Hall, Globe, Stan " Oíd Gentleman: "Any news, my boy'?" Xewsboy: "Echo, sir, or Evening Stan " Óld Gentleman: "But is there any news this evening?" Newsboy: '■You want me to give yon a 'pressee, do you 'i Shan'tl" (Exit.) Oíd Gen tleman (to hhnself) : "Dear, me! a pre cis"! This comes o' those Schoo lioards." - Punch. An irascible oíd gentleman who foi merly held the position of Justice o the Peace was recently accosted in th street in a manner that did not com up to his honor's idea of the respec due him. "Young man," said he, ". : te you twenty shillings for contemp of court." "Why Judge," said the of tender, "you are not in session." "Thi court," replied the Judge, "is alway in sessiou and consequently alwaya a object of contempt.


Old News
Michigan Argus