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Mrs. And Mr. Bird

Mrs. And Mr. Bird image
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Wlien an agent rang Mr. Bird's doarbell the otlier day.says Max Adler, Mr. Bird liiinself opened the door. Mr. Bird liad the baby upon his arm, and there wen fout other ebildren tt his heels. "Is the lady of the house in?" ask-tl the agent. "íwtamiv sha isii't!" replied Mr. Bird. -'.She is out. She is iincnnialiy and eternally out !" "Wherecan I see her'?" "Why go down to the Wonaan'i trage club rooms, and if she is not there. eo to the Society forthe tion of Cruelty to Animáis, and if she haa left there, visit the hall of the asBociation for alleviatiug the miseries of the Senegambians, and if she has flnished up there, look for her at the Church Aid Society or at the ninih ward soup house, oiat theliome of the one-legged, or at the refuge for inflim dogs, or at the hospital for the asthmatic, or the Polycarp orphan asylum, or at some of these places. If you get on hertrail you'll see more pauper, and trongmindedwomen and under-clothngfor the heathen than you ever saw n the whole course of your life." "I wanted to sell her a cool-hantle flat iron, just out. Do you think she will buy one?" "She will if yon can prove that Ihe naked cannibals in Senegambia ire yearning for cool-handle flat irons. She vould buy diamond breast pins for the liggers if they wanted them. 1 beieve." "I atended also to offer her a ncw kind of hnmovable hair-pin, wliicli- " "All right! You just go dovn to the home of the one-legged, and persuade those cripples to cry for inunovable hairpins, and she'll order 'en by ;he ton." "Has she my cliildren'i'" "Well, I'm the one that appeas to have 'em just now, anyhow." "Besides I have a gum top for a leeding bottle; this is the nicest thingyou ever saw." "Now," said Mr. Bird, "111 teil you what to do. You get those paupeis to swear they can't eatthe soup they get at the soup house with spoons, but they must have it from abDttle with a rubber nozzle, and Mrs. Bird will keep ' so busy supplying thedemand that you won't have a chance to sleep. You just i try it. Buy uj tlie paupers. Bribe : em!" "How'll I know her if I see her?" i "Wby, she's a large woman with a bent nose, and she talks all the time. You'll hear her talking as soonja you I get within a mile of lier. Sle'll ask you to subscribe to the Senegambia fond, and to the Asthmatic Xsylum, before you can get your breatli. Probably she'll read you four or live letters frorn reformed cannibals. Bul don't you mind 'em. My opinión is she wrote 'em herself." "Shall I teil her you told me to cali uponher?" "It doesn't make any difference. But you might mention that since she lef t home the baby has had four fits. Johnny has fallen out of the pear tree and cracked his skull, Mary and Jim both have something like croup, and Tommy has been bitten by Jones' dog. It won't excite her; she won't care a cent; but I'd like he. to have the latest news. Teil her if she can manage to drop in here fora few minutes between now and the Fourth of July.she mifht maybe wasli the baby, and give the other children a chance to remember how she looks. But she need not come if it will interfere with the happinessof the one-legged medicants, or make her asthmatics miserable, rincl and mention it to her now, wPlvou?" "I will." "All right then. 111 go 11 and put some fresh sticking piaster on Johnnie's skull.'' And with the baby singing a voeiferous solo, and the other children clinging to his legs, Mr. Bird retreated and sluit the door. The agent had determined to propose to a giil that night. He changed his mind and resolved to remain a bachelor. l'helim (to tourist who has taken shelter in a leaky shebeen.)- "Dad, and it's soaked to the bone you'll be gettin' wid the sthrames through the roof. Come outside, sorr ; it's dryer in the wet!"


Old News
Michigan Argus