Old Stories

A country paper says that one minster in the locality recently said to another, "I came near selling my boots ;o-day." The other marvelled, and made the brief but sage remark, "Ah !" i'hen, seeing that further comment was expected, he asked, "How was that?" "Oh, I had them half soled!" replied his friend. An Irishman some time ago was béng examined as a witness in some street quarrel in Bishop Auckland, when a sharp attorney, trying to browjeat the Hibernian concerning whicli side of Newgate Street he was on, asked, "Which side of the flags were you on?" "Bedad, your honour," rejlied Pat, there's only two sides to a lag, an' I was on the top side !" Some ludicrous effects are sometimes produced in singing. One of the choruses of the oratorio Naaman is known as "the policeman's chorus," owing to ;he fact that the words "Haste, to Samaria let us go" sound, when sung, very much like "Haste, to some area let us go." A Dutchman was once in d cholr which was practising Mendelssohn's "Hear my prayer," and, not beïng able to pronounce English quite correctly, sang, instead of "Oh for the wings," "Oh forty winks." The phraseology of gardeners is curious. In a recent pamphlet we are informed that "Mr. Disraeli" is "an elegant grower, and of most excellent habits," "Lord Elcho" is a "bold fine sort, very suitable for exhibition," whilst the "Prince Alfred" is a "free sort, and must be well stopped when young." The ladies, too, often suffer from gardener's nomenclature. One celebrated actress is libellously spoken as a "blotchy-colored sort," and an eminent duchess, not certainly in her first youth, as "very robust and of great substance." But at least the line should be drawn at flowers ; when this license is extended to fruits, we flnd a celebrated lady (melon) described as "green flesh tightly laced." Some few weeks back a worthy lady idvertised for a plain cook, and severil persons applied for the situation. 3wing to her fastidiousness however, lone of them seemed to suit her rejuirements ; but at the "eleventh hour" i maiden from the Emerald Isle made ipplication. In reply to a question svhether she was able to do plain cookng, she gave an aftirmative answer, idding, "The plainer the bethor for ne." After being f urther tested in an )ral manner, the good lady said, "My lusband likes his meat boiled, and I ike mine roasted. Xow, if you had a Eowl to cook, now would you do ?" 'Please, ma'am," said the girl, 1 wud roast it forst, an' you could ate your jhare; then I wud boil what you left for the masther." o A worthy clergyman in the west of Scotland was regularly annoyed in the forenoon service bv a sleepy carrier. In the course of visiting, Saunders was remonstrated with for his drowsiness, nd pleaded as an excuse heavy work ind porridge for breakfast. His clerical guide advised tea, but to this Saunders demurred, as tea "wouldna L'e ' on his stomach. It happened one very warm day that the minister feit sorely annoyed at the hearty snore of Saunders, who sat in the gallery. Stopping suddenly in the middle of his sermon, the reverend gentleman, who knew every member of his congregation, called out to John Blunt to awaken Saunders. This having been done, to the perfect bewilderment of the sleeper, he was thus addressed - "Saunders, this work will never do. Ye maun either no' come to the kirk in the forenoon or tak' a tea breakfast." Norbury, at one time Chief Justice of the Court of Common Pleas in Ireland, was more noted for giving invitations than for hospitality. His invitations were always to his country seat, Cabra, his town residence being inconveniently accessible. On one occasion an oíd couple were simple enough to believe that the "When wil! you spend a week with me at Cabra Y really meant what it expressed ; and packing up the requisites for a visit they presented themselves at "the country house." Korbury receivec them with his blandest smiles, and in his presence of mind did not quail as the lady's-maid, the band-bcxes, the heavy imperial, and other indications of a protracted sojourn made their appearance. Kadiant with delight, he exclaimed, "My kind, my dear old f riends, this is so very like you ! Now no excuses - not a word - not a word I must positively insist on your stay ing to dinner!" One Sunday, a party of lads and men all of them revelling in a "horsey" appearance, made their way to a smal restaurant near the racecourse al Anteuil, and ordered a good dinner The landlord, rather a sporting character in his way, "chummed up" to his guests, and regretted the decline of racing, which in his opinión had gone down ever since betting was continec to the paddock, admission to which was placed beyond the reach of the small pocket. The merits and demerits of the different cross-country competitors were amply discusaed, and, after a copious meal, washed down by wine and grog, liad been completed, ;he bill was called for. During the dfter-dinner pipe the question of footracing was introduced, and it was inally suggested that the best way to settle for the dirmer eaten was to run i race, the last man to pay for the eekoning. Boniface went into the ïroposition heart and soul, the more so as he was asked to be starter and udge. The distance was half a mile - a quarter out and a quarter home - so that mine host and his dame could see both start and finish. Each man was to run dressed as he was, and the whole seven were sent to the mark by the landlord, who had tied a tablenapkin to the end of a billiard-eue to serve as a sigiial-flag. A fair start was jiven, and away bounded the seven, he landlord waiting patiently for heir return, so that he might record lis flat. Alas, he may be waiting there now, since none of his customers reurned to pay that little bill. Further acquaintance with prospec;ive life-long companions is often desi rabie, but not every lady has the same opportunity as the Ïiorth-Coun;ry girl who had agreed to elope with a lover whom her parents refused to admit to the house. She descended a ladder in the night, and started with him on horseback. "Now you see how much I love you," she said. "You will be always a true and kind husband, won't you?" He answered gruffly, "Perhaps I may, and perhaps not." She rode in silence for a few minutes, when she suddenly exclaimed, "Oh, what shall we do? I have left my money behind me in my room!" "Then," said he, "we must go back and fetch it." They were soon again at the house, the ladder was again placed, the lady remounted, while the lover remained below. But she delayed to come; and so he callèd, "Are you coming P" when she looked out of the window and said, "Perhaps I may and perhaps not," and then shut the window. Willing to oblige, - A very prepossessing young lady, canvassing for a popular book, stepped into the office of a broker, and, iinding lrim apparently at leisure, asked him to look at her book. The gentleman informed her that it would be only a waste of time, as he could not purchase it. "Oh, never mind that," ejaculatedthe vivacious young woman - "it won't cost anything to look at it, even if you don't buy ! I should like to have you read some portion of it, and see what it is." The accomidating broker took the volume, and glanced at the title-page, commenced a perusal of the introduction. This íinished, he besan r th Szt chapter, and read carefully and leisurely along. It was about nine o'clock when he commenced, and an hour passed silently away, when the bookagent began to show signs of nervousness, which were apparently unnoticed by the broker, for he never took his eyes from the volume, but read on steadily. Eleven o'clock came, and the lady began to walk smartly around the room, glancing occasionally out of the windows. At noon the broker was still reading, and the agent wore a decidedly troubled countenance. A few moments before one o'clock the broker laid the book down, leisurely donned his overcoat and hat, and remarked, "That is a very good book. I am sorry I cannot read more of it, but I am obliged to go to luncheon. If you cali this afternoon, I will continue reading it."