You guys are asking me all these questions and it’s getting annoying.
I was at work one day attending to all my emails and setting meetings with clients and also dealing with a stubborn one on one conference call. It was a busy day. All of a sudden I hear loud laughter from the coffee room and clapping so I, never missing a chance to be social, go check out what’s going on.
As I make my way into the room Joseph one of my friends from the office said “Hey come join us Leo won the big case”.
Then Leo starts hugging Joseph and says “Thanks man, all the help, this cake, you really are a nice guy”
Lina, another one of my friends from the office says “Joseph really is Mr. Nice guy isn’t he?”
No he’s not! He had been trying to get Leo out of the firm for months. The only reason he was doing it is because his stupid therapist told him he needed to be at peace with the things and people that bothered him the most. How does that make him Mr. Nice Guy?! There was no fucking way that was happening.
I’m the one who buys everyone coffee in the morning, I’m the one who eats lunch sometimes with the homeless guy downstairs. When Roy got fired last year for crapping his pants in court, I was the only one who didn’t laugh. How does Joseph buy a cake and become nice?
After that happened I went over to bathroom immediately. I stood infront of the mirror that cut off my hairline and leaning in looked at myself for a long moment. I examined everything about my body. My long arms and legs suddenly disgusted me. My jawline was so strongly marked I could see it shake as I continued staring into the mirror. My black hair and my green eyes haunted me; both of those are very strong colors, they lied about who I was. When I reached my lips and tried to smile all I did was grin and when the white of my teeth began to show without me barely opening my mouth, I had had enough. I was more than that. I should be praised for my mind and my character, not that, Im more than that. See that’s when I figured out I needed to perform an honest act of kindness, the biggest one of all in order to top my own looks, and Josephs “niceness”.
For weeks I thought about what I could do, I carried on my normal day to day niceness and added a cherry on top here and there. At home though I had a chart connecting the faces of all of my coworkers and the nice things they’ve done. I also followed and took pictures of them doing some chores or them walking their dogs and leaving bars at night. It was hard I mean, Cambridge is a big city, but no challenge is too much for me. I wanted to see what made them all happy but what I found out was very unsatisfying; they weren’t happy. Everything they did was a responsibility except maybe when they were a bit drunk. How do you perform an act of kindness towards someone who isn’t happy to begin with? Will they consider it an act of kindness or will they just be bothered by it? You never really know how people might react when they are unhappy. Maybe leaving them alone would make them happy, but that defeated the purpose right?
You probably don’t understand why I have this obsession with becoming Mr. Nice Guy. Back when I was a kid I was always just cute and I was never talked to about important stuff. Nobody ever went past what they saw, all the girls always gave me attention because I was good looking and an athlete, but that’s never what I wanted. What if my personality meant nothing to them? I’ve lived a long time trying to prove myself as something other than a pretty face. A nice guy. I refuse to be the hottie with a nice smile. I will not be that guy and whoever thinks just that of me is wrong! Incredibly wrong! Boy were they so wrong, but I proved myself to them once and for all.
After about a month or so of my plotting, we receive big bad news. Kenny, the face of the firm had been doing some illegal things on the side. He was dealing drugs and laundering money, among other terrible things. In some time, Kenny Fights would no longer exist because besides from doing all those things he refused to let anyone else run the firm. We were now all associated with a drug dealer. Some of the lawyers were even involved, including Joseph. Because of this I knew what I had to do to change their minds.
My relationship with Kenny had always been great, we went to middle and high school together and he would tutor me from time to time since he was three years older. We went way back and he was the reason I was in the firm.
I called him and said I felt so sorry for what had happened but still supported him. I told him I wanted to throw a small dinner party at his apartment if it was okay. He always liked throwing other peoples parties at his apartment to show off how wealthy he was so I knew he would think it was a great idea. He said it would be a nice way to say goodbye before he went to jail. Yes, he was going to be sent away for a long time. Afterward, I invited my eight other guests and prepared everything.
My guests were Lina, Leo, Joseph, Ralph, George, Scott, Rick and Sasha. They had all been involved in the scandal except for Leo, since he was new.
Two nights later everything happened.
I went over to his two story pent house apartment in Boston early to set everything up and make sure the cooks were doing a good job. Kenny was dressed in a velvet suit when he opened the door and greeted me with some whiskey in his left hand which would otherwise be described as scrawny and thin if it wasn’t for that gold ring with rubies on it. I’d never seen him wear that particular ring before, he must’ve known it was going to be a special evening.
An hour later the guests started to arrive. After some chit chat and drinking, the food was ready. Everyone sat down around me in the big glass table; I was at the end of the table to make it grand, my last act of kindness.
“Thank you Gregor you really outdid yourself, you’re such a nice guy” Joseph said.
All I could do was laugh as an immediate response but in my head I thought: He thinks this is nice? Wait until he sees what I really have in store. He didn’t take my giggling as an insult though and I figured it was because he thought I was nervous. As they continued eating I watched their smiles widen. Ricky was just drunk but he would be really happy after this. When dessert came, I decided it was time.
I banged my glass of wine with my fork and said “I want to make a toast. This is for you guys and I really thought this one through, all of your careers are essentially over, I mean Leo you’ve been practicing for a year and this whole scandal happened. That’s such a shame”
They all looked puzzled, a bit offended even, but I carried on.
“I’ve decided that this is the nicest thing I could do regarding the circumstances, I’ll take the heat for all of you, my coworkers my partners, my friends”
Once again they seemed confused and I continued to make things clear. “I want to be Mr. Nice guy, and you guys needed a favor so in reality I’m taking one for the team. Now in unison I want you all to say: “You truly are Mr. Nice guy”
They all laughed because they probably expected something like this from me. So light heartedly and with hazed eyes they did it.
“One, two…” and as I was starting to say “three” I held my gun tight from inside my vest. Finally they all said it. “You truly are Mr. Nice guy”
Then I took out my gun and was happy to do it. One by one they fell with blood everywhere. First I shot Leo; he needed to go before anyone else, he deserved it. Second to last was Kenny he tried to leave the table but didn’t make it on time. I guess he didn’t want to be helped. Last was Joseph, he had his hands above his head and hid under the table. Right before I shot him I said “I’m Mr. Nice Guy” It was done; my nicest deed had been done. I killed them and saved them from a miserable life. See they were used to the lifestyle of the rich; they would have never been okay with jail time or unemployed so I took them out.
I forgot about the cooks and the butler so they all sat in the kitchen under the cabinets and called you guys, but I would’ve called you guys anyways I was doing something good that just happens to be illegal.
So that’s the whole story. My name is Gregor but I changed it to Mr. Nice Guy and on April 9th 1999, I murdered nine people. Among all the annoying questions you guys have asked me, as to why so many? The answer is obvious. It had to match the date I mean I’m not a savage or anything like that, I’m just the guy who’s nicer than you’re usual “nice guy”.