The Baddest Mofo in Town
It was a hot summer day in July at a seemingly regular Chipotle. The time was around 12:30 p.m. The lunch rush was heavy with a line sticking out of the front door. This line was going surprisingly fast with a two man staff. Ruddy Martin was working the register and putting on topping and sauces on burritos working as fast he could, while the man on his left was finishing burritos like mad man. His arms were ripped with muscles, with a tattoo on his right wrist. He had neatly picked mini afro and mean mustache. He wore an apron with a gold plated name tag that said Maxwell Wallace.
While in the middle of wrapping his 40th burrito, he was interrupted by a huge explosion at the front window. As the dust and smoke settles a group of shadowy figures jumped out of nowhere. They were cyborg ninjas wielding energy swords. One of them shouted in Japanese and pointed his finger at Maxwell.
“I know you mofos didn’t travel all the way here just to cut in line for some burritos,” said Maxwell. “But if thats the case I got a new recipe”
Maxwell threw a burrito going 80mph toward one of the ninja’s head and exploded on impact killing the ninja instantly. “I call it the diablo special.”
Maxwell told Ruddy to stay down, Wallace jumped over the counter ready to fight and engaged in combat with the ninjas. He used his advanced skills in the art Bushido, and disarmed one of the ninja’s sword and used it against him cutting them in half and dealing deadly ninja kicks.
With the bodies of the ninjas laid around the devastated Chipotle, Maxwell took a deep breath and shook his shoulders telling Ruddy it was time to come out of hiding.
“What the hell man, Ruddy shouted “I could have been killed.”
“You’ll be alright little man,” assured Maxwell.
“Who were these guys Max?”
“They’re a part of this secret crime organization in Asia, when I was in the Marines they were dealing drugs and weapons to terrorist”
“It looks like they’re after me so I gotta head off to Asia and finish this shit”
“But what about the Man, Maxwell?” asked Ruddy.
“Fuck the Man,” answered Maxwell.
Maxwell went to the local airport and bought a ticket off to the hidden lands of of Panda Mist. When Maxwell touched down in Panda Mist, wearing a brown bomber jacket with blue jeans and boots, he was introduced to a land of poverty and crime. Tall run down apartment buildings covered the skyline, with bars, brothels and casinos covering every street corner.
Maxwell walked to the nearest casino hotel to make camp for the night after his long flight. When Maxwell arrived to the casino hotel, he was introduced to a lavish unadulterated atmosphere. Attendants were participating in acts of gambling, prostitution and using illegal party drugs. Maxwell walked and took a seat at the bar.
“One shot of whiskey please,” requested Maxwell.
The bartender stretched his furry arm over the counter and placed a cup and poured Maxwell a cup of whiskey. In disbelief Maxwell looked over the counter to see that a Panda in a penguin tux was serving drinks. The Panda looked back at Maxwell and growled.
“Quite surprising isn’t it?” asked a woman.
“Ha, naw baby, I’ve seen weirder in Iraq,” answered Maxwell.
The woman giggled under her breath. “My name is Evangeline Bang, I’m the owner of the Hard Place Casino this fine establishment you’re sitting in right now,” greeted Evangeline.
“Nice to meet you, Evangeline my name is Maxwell Wallace”
“The pleasure is all my mine, so Mr.Wallace what brings you to Panda Mist business or pleasure?”
“Business honey and I’m not planning on staying long”
“ Hm, I see, Mr. Wallace. would you like to see my vast collection of exotic fish?"
"I guess I got some time to kill," he responded.
Evangeline and Maxwell made their way to Evangeline's office to see her exotic fish collection. They scaled up a flight of stairs in the main casino ballroom until they made their way into her office.
The two walked in the office Maxwell was impressed by the the vast amount of fish in Evangeline’s collection.
“Pretty fancy collection I gotta admit,” complimented Maxwell.
“Thank you it was took 12 years to complete,” replied Evangeline.
Evangeline quietly closes the doors and locks them, Maxwell notices this.
“I’m guessing we aren’t going to discuss favorites aren’t we,” stated Maxwell.
“No I’m finally going to get my revenge that has been twelve years in the making”
“You killed my father back in Iraq when you and your squad ambushed him like a bunch of cowards”
“You’re Anthony Strike’s daughter!”
“Yes, my spies have been following you since you landed now prepare to die”
Evangeline lunged towards Maxwell and struck him in the face,the two engage in hand to hand combat. Punches and kicks were being dealt at lighting speed, Evangeline gave a huge blow to Maxwell in the gut. Maxwell went down on his knees looked toward his impending doom.
“I will avenge my father will this killer blow,” screamed Evangeline.
“I’m sorry, sugar, but that’s a story for another day,” snapped Maxwell.
Maxwell flipped Evangeline into her fish tank, allowing him some time to recuperate. Maxwell stoods up and walked to see if Evangeline was taken out for good. He puts his fingers on her neck to find a pulse but didn’t find one. As Maxwell was about to leave he heard Evangeline say:
“There is a reason why my last name Bang,” Evangeline held a detonator to bombs planted behind her fish tank.
The Fish tank exploded pushing Maxwell out into the Casino ballroom. H crashed onto a blackjack table only to be surrounded by Evangeline’s payroll thugs. They outnumbered him fifty to one, all equipped with automatic weapons aiming at Maxwell.
“Well, let’s boogie,” said Maxwell.
Maxwell knocked out one thug and grabbed his rifle to start delivering a hailstorm of bullets. He ran to cover behind a craps table holding his own against the army of fifty. The thugs unleashed a storm of bullets upon him, but it wasn’t good enough Maxwell was taking out thugs left and right. One of his bullets took out five men in one shot. With forty-nine thugs laying dead. He had the last thug in his sights until he heard a unwanted click. Maxwell had ran out of ammo. The thug heard this as well and started firing at the craps table. The table was about to break in a few more shots, Maxwell only had one last shot of survival. He threw his afro pick at the thug stabbing him the chest and killing him instantly.
Maxwell stood up tall and walked toward the thug with his pick in his chest and took it from him.
Maxwell looked around the war torn casino to see if anyone was alive. He heard a growl coming from the bar and saw the panda with his filled with anger.
The panda lunged towards Maxwell ready to rip his head off, but he caught the panda and puts him in a chokehold.
“So, Mr. Panda, you’re gonna tell me where the cyborg ninjas live or you're going to go night night,” whispered Maxwell into the panda’s ear.
With the note that panda wrote about the location of the cyborg ninjas, Maxwell was able to finish the fight they started. Being equipped with combat armor from his special operation days, he was ready for battle. When Maxwell made it there he arrived to the temple that was the layer of the cyborg ninjas. He stood facing a huge mountain with no way up but only to climb. For five hours straight he climbed up Black Claw Mountain and made it to the top, only to be greeted by a huge swarm of ninja cyborgs. Maxwell stood ready for a fight with his fist balled up super tight, ready to knock the lights out of anyone who dared step toward him. One of the ninjas tired to step towards Maxwell.
“Your move, brotha,” Maxwell stated.
The ninja’s eyes became very wide and he started to tremble in fear as he pissed himself in the presence of Maxwell Wallace and ran away. The other ninjas saw his cowardliness and didn’t want to be branded a chicken so they all rushed Maxwell at the same time. Maxwell seemed outmatched and outmanned, but sun came out and energized him. A long time ago, when hel was student of the Bushido arts, he learned the secrets of using the sun to give him powers from just his mini afro.
Maxwell absorbs as much energy as he could before the ninjas could swarm him. As the ninjas got closer, Maxwell jumped 50 feet in the air and struck his fist in the air in a knee position and landed right in the middle of them causing an earthquake of massive funky proportions. The move was the Panther Shaft. All of the ninja cyborgs exploded instantly. As Maxwell rose from the ground he shook the dirt off his shoulders and ran towards the temple of Black Claw Mountain. After defeating five levels of ninja henchmen Maxwell finally made it to the top level of the temple to encounter the big boss. The boss hid within the shadows.
“I’m glad to finally meet you Mr. Maxwell,” said the big boss in a sinister tone.
“I’m here to end your corrupt ninja bullshiggedy once and for all,” responded Maxwell.
The big boss step out the shadows and revealed himself to be a tiny asian midget with a bold head and a long ponytail in the back wearing red and black robes.
“My name is Shang Chi and Mr. Wallace, you are facing the man of death”
“Shit, more like one fifth of a man,” joked Maxwell.
Shang Chi became enraged and jumped toward Maxwell with flames coming out of his eyes charging at Maxwell with everything he had. But his efforts were useless because Maxwell was too funky and hits Shang Chi into another dimension where he was eaten by a dinosaur. Once the battle was over, Maxwell planted a bomb in the temple and jumped out the building with a parachute as it was blowing up.