Perhaps this is life. Tragical life. Perhaps love can never be complete. And yet, why then love comes to shatter hearts? Well, perhaps every true love is disastrous… 

But I have loved! And I shall continue to do so, no matter what destiny has in store for us. And then, she did try to make me understand. She did say it must come, sooner or later… but, so soon?

 

All these days I had waited and hoped… so heavy my own heart was, and so worthless life seemed…! The world seemed a shade darker, and even spring seemed colorless - and yet I had hope! Even white, her favorite color was anything but pure now, and even sunlight reminded me of death, and summer rain reminded me of the darkness hovering around her. Full of this painful agony, I waited for this dark night to pass away, and dawn to break upon us. But the night went on and on, endlessly…

To be honest, my dear friend, I was frightened of life. Why did life ever begin, if only to end aimlessly thus? Why had the threads of destiny intertwined, if one of them must snap loose and lifeless? My worried heart had a thousand questions… bitter questions, torturous questions, questions that no one would answer…

 

But I did not want to lose her!

She who lay there, suffering like an injured angel, swallowing down her pain all by herself, was that she, whom I loved the most. And yet I did feel so helpless, so listless! And god seemed so indifferent, that it was no relief to think of him.

The only person, who could comfort me, was she herself. But how could I let her think of me when this war was hers alone, and I only a burden? And besides, I still had hope…

Yes, she was sick, terribly sick. Her red lips twitched with pain, and her fair face tried vainly to hide her agony.

Then I became frightened ever so more. Even her presence ceased to comfort, and her own room grew darker. I was scared of the time which moved ever so slowly, and also of the coming moment, which could mean disaster waiting… I was afraid of life, afraid of death, and afraid of the bridge that connects them. She was walking through this bridge I knew, but I still had hopes.

I cannot say I wanted to die, though… but then, I cannot say I wanted to live, too…

I was stuck somewhere in the middle, wishing blindly, hoping blindly…

 

But all my hopes were one day shattered. Yes, she was gone! Gone! All the uncertain fears lying deep down in the depths of my heart had won against all my pleading hopes and beliefs…

But then… quite unknown to me… I realized there was something that she still wanted to tell my heart… for my heart experienced something quite unusual… hopeful, strange…my heart kept telling me that she had gone nowhere, and that she was still here with me, and had only been blessed with death. Death had taken away all her suffering, and left only purer love in her heart...

I felt assured. A sense of spiritual comfort had awakened inside me. For a moment it all seemed true… completely true… absolutely true…

 

But these hours of peace gave way to solitary grief. She may have found death beautiful, but what of her lost knight out here? And then the weary days of separation grew heavy upon my young heart. My life grew darker without her illuminating presence. I had lost those hands which I had held in mine, and her transparent blue eyes had closed forever. Her blushing face was now grey and lifeless. The touch of her hand, and the sweet scent of her hair were now all gone, and I had lost them eternally…!

Yes, all my hopes were shattered.

And yet I trudged along, trying to do life’s work, and regretting it all the while. It was all so unjust… sunshine and shadow, so far from each other… and some enjoying in the sun… and some stuck in the shade…

I dreamt of her face at night and saw it amongst the clouds in the day…smiling always… only I couldn’t smile back…sometimes, I heard her talking to me… at other times, I heard her sing… but they were sad songs, and made me sadder… at nights, while asleep, I would smell her celestial being, and wake up from the peaceful sleep, back to this dreadful reality…

Despair, yes, despair… I found despair, and despair alone. I wanted to live in despair. I was so frightened, I wanted to try nothing else… and yet my heart continued to struggle against this despair, only to find nothing good in return. For now, I had no hope…

And then again, that same feeling came back…yes; it was true, death was beautiful too. But I was uncertain. Life had taught me to be a coward… it was beyond me to suffer so much. I wanted to forget her, and yet I abhorred the very idea… my heart grew heavier and heavier... and it made me wish I had no heart… and then it made me wish I had no life… and still I wished I met no death…

Oh, what should I do?

 

… Now two years later, I find myself lying here in the same manner as she was, and I find death more exasperating than life.

At first I was scared of being ill. Of dying. I didn’t want to walk on a bridge about which I knew nothing. I wanted to turn back. And the struggle only made me worse.

I started taking perfect care of my body. I took all the medicines I could find. Even the slightest fever or cough or sneeze made me nervous. I prayed to lord everyday to spare my life. At times I sat up on my bed with my head in my hands and cried aggressively. I must get well! But still I grew weaker and weaker. I did not want to die. I could not accept it. To go to a new, unknown place and face another kind of misery…! 

I held on to everything I could. I supposed it would make me better, for I would then get more attracted life. But it only showed me the difficulties of living with all life’s complexities. But I wanted happiness. I was trying desperately. I clung to known life against unknown death.

I fought with my best. The treatment, the medicine, soon drove the disease away. But the moment it was gone, I started fearing it would come back. Even when I was getting better, I thought about that ill fated disease all the same. And maybe because I was expecting it, it came again… and again…

I asked about death to almost everyone I knew. They all had a thousand consoling answers, but I treated each with disbelief. Maybe these are questions only a heart can ask, and a heart only can answer. And so, death opens hearts. I felt as if I could love the whole world together, and as if everyone, known or unknown, was in himself special. Bewildered as I was, I could see that I was wiser than others, and I was somewhere others had yet to be. And so, I pitied them, instead of them pitying me. Not that I was aware of it all. Unconsciously too, I started looking for a heart which could comfort mine. But the world is dark, and unconsciously still, I realized even better how precious she had always been to me.

 

I needed help… and god heard me at last…

In the gloomy nights I have spent, something rarely happens.

And so, I felt faintly astonished when a calm dizziness rose inside me. Was this death? But it only made me feel better, for I then knew a heavenly peace dwelling in my heart…

My dear friend, it was the most incredible experience! I could now finally accept my fate. I could now consent to leave this life. How can I think of myself as someone above nature? Everything that comes to life, must leave life too. Only that would be fair.

…I had a dream. I was standing on a bridge…coming from life, walking towards death. Both ends were just the same – dark and dangerous. And then, all of a sudden, death’s end was illuminated by a golden light. Yes, it was her. I could feel her presence, something for which I had always longed for… and with her came this glorifying light, which purified me thoroughly…

It was all so brief…and yet I had ceased to worry. I had started hoping again. Yes, hope to be trusting. Oh yes, I can trust her. And trust this graceful death unknown…

Yes, I can trust love.

Away from miseries, away from tears, I can hope to go to a sweet, peaceful sleep without waking up to reality again…

I can hope to live in peace forever…

And I can hope to find a wiser heart, if not a healed heart, when I wake up…

…if someday…