Too Little, Too Late

 

                                                           

            From the moment I saw him, I knew we had something special. I had had relationships before him, but none were quite like ours. Before freshman year I would always ask myself, “How will I know when I’m in love?” But now i know that there is no way to answer that question. You just simply know. It comes at you like a ton of bricks, it may hurt, but it’s one of the best things in the world. For Angel and I, it took him about a year to confess that he loved me. But for me I had loved him from the very beginning. Fast forward to now, junior year, still together, and better than ever.

 

            “Hey Liz,” Brian yelled to me from down the hallway.

 

            “Hey, I missed you this weekend, remember we were supposed to hangout?”

 

            “Oh shit, I honestly forgot. Well are you doing anything after school today? Because i have no plans, maybe we could chill.” Brian offered.

 

            “Actually I already made plans with Angel today, maybe next week?”

 

            “Oh okay, yeah maybe another time. Well i have to go to class, I’ll talk to you later.” Brian said while sounding somewhat upset. He walked away.

 

            Brian has been one of my closest friends since middle school. He was always the one person I could go talk about anything to. But ever since me and Angel started dating a couple years ago, he’s been acting different. Whenever I even bring up the fact that I even have a boyfriend, he starts acting awkward. It’s been getting worse and worse.

 

            After school, I quickly left so i could go to Angel’s as soon as possible. When I got there I was still thinking about why Brian acted the way he did.

 

            “Babe Brian’s been acting really weird lately.”

 

            “What do you mean weird?” Angel asked confused.

 

            “I don’t know. Whenever I bring you up, it’s like he gets mad. It’s just strange.”

 

            “I always knew he was into you.” Angel told me.

 

            “Into me? Not possible. We’ve been bestfriends for seven years. I would’ve figured it out along time ago, don’t you think?” I asked.

 

            “Well I guess that’s true. We just better hope he doesn’t like you, because you’re all mine.” he laughed while leaning in to kiss me.

 

            About a week later, Brian was still acting different. He asked me to skip last period with him so we could talk about something. I was really nervous not knowing what he was going to say. It must be really important, seeing that it couldn't wait till after school. After third period i texted him to meet me outside, under the pavilion. When he walked over to me, he had a look of guilt on his face.

 

            “Hi,” he said quietly while sitting down.

 

            “Hey, is everything okay?” i asked concerned.

 

            “I've just been needing to tell you something for like a really long time now. Just promise me you won't let anything ruin our friendship,” he stuttered.

 

            “Don’t be silly, of course i promise. Now tell me.”

 

            “I’m in love with you. Okay? I finally said it.” I looked at him confused. “Don’t act like you didn’t know. It’s so obvious Liz. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you for years. I know I might sound crazy, but I really think you’re the one.” he pleaded.

 

            “Brian stop. This can’t be true. You know how I feel about Angel.”

 

            “Yes I know how you feel about him. But I also know how much i love you. You can’t tell me you don’t feel anything between us.” He gently grabbed my face, and pressed his lips against mine.

 

            “What are you doing?” I yelled while pushing him back. The next ten seconds were completely silent. He wouldn’t look at me.

 

            “Wow, how dumb can I be? Liz I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed that you felt the same. I know you would never feel that way about me. I’m so sorry.” he said.

 

            “Brian you’re a great guy. Any girl would be more than lucky to have you, it just isn’t me. I’m going to try looking past this because I’d hate to lose you as a friend. I love you alot okay? Bestfriends?,” I smiled. “Bestfriends.” he laughed.

 

            A couple days later, Brian and I were acting the same. As if nothing had ever happened. But it was killing me, I had to tell Angel and be honest with him. I texted him when I got home from school. He didn’t take it as good as I thought he would.

 

            “The fact that you’re still going to be his friend is going to eat away at me, I just know it. I can’t do this anymore Liz, I just can’t. I can’t stand the idea of you loving someone else. I’m just so done. This is over, I’m sorry.” he texted.

 

            Day’s keep passing by, he still won’t reply to my messages. I never even see him at school anymore. I keep texting him telling him I’m sorry and how I’m avoiding Brian. I just want to prove to him that there is nothing to worry about. But him not being here is slowly killing me. There is no way in hell he can just throw away three years of feelings like that. Unless the feelings were never real. Which is what I’ve started to tell myself.

 

            A couple more weeks passed by, still no texts, no phone calls, no nothing. I contemplated whether or not i should text Brian or not. I haven’t seen him at school in so long. It’s like he disappeared. He won’t answer my calls or anything. I got kind of worried so i decided to stop by his house on my way home. His mom answers the door.

 

            “Oh my God, hi Liz. I haven’t seen you in so long.” she cheered.

 

            “Hi I was wondering if Brian was here? We kind of got into an arguement, and he hasn’t been replying to my messages.” I told her.

 

            “He told me what happened, you can come in. He’s sleeping but we can talk.”

 

            I ran in and sat at the kitchen table, while Brian’s mom went to get us both some water. She sat down with the drinks. I was kind of nervous about what she was going to tell me. I was just hoping he was okay.

 

            “Well dear, when you started avoiding him I hope you know it really affected him. At first he would talk to me and tell me about things. But now all he does is refuses to go to school. He completely destroyed his phone about a week ago. He said there’s no point in having one if you won’t even talk to him. I’m scared for him. It seems he’s just shut everyone out. All he does is sleep, I even have to force him to eat. What he’s doing is not healthy. I’m just very worried about him. But he won’t talk to anyone,” she cried.

 

            After hearing that, it was hard to keep talking. I left a couple minutes after. Walking home with tears in my eyes, it was hard to breathe. I felt so bad.

 

            The next day came, I was really not in the mood to be at school. It had almost been a month without Angel, yet i still text him everyday. Hoping that he’ll answer. The moment he texts me wanting me back, will be the moment all my pain goes away. I would truly be happy again. I spent most of the day in the hallway, not going to class. Mostly just thinking about how depressed I was, I was just making it worse. By the time lunch came I decided to go to the cafe, not eat, just sit. After the first ten minutes I was in there, Angel and two other friends walked in. Don’t make eye contact, don’t look up.

 

I thought. But I couldn’t help but notice him laughing. He was actually laughing. How could he be perfectly fine while I stay up all hours of the night, crying about how much I miss him. “How could he?” I ask myself.

 

            He looked over at me with a sad look in his eyes. I didn’t know how to respond to that, so i quickly jumped up to throw out my empty tray, and ran through the door. I felt my eyes watering so i went to the bathroom to try to compose myself. While I was in there, another girl walked in. Her name was Jess, she was Angel’s friend.

 

            “Don’t let him fool you.” she told me. as I looked over at her.

 

            “What you just saw in there? That’s not the real him. He’s been opening up to me a lot lately Liz. He’s really hurting. You guys need each other but he doesn't get that.”

 

            After she told me that, I couldn’t hold it in much longer. I ran out of the bathroom, down the hallway, and out the main entrance. I hurried home as fast as I could. Barely able to see , because I was still trying to hold back my tears. When I got into my room, I broke. “I’m losing it” I screamed. Hysterically crying and throwing anything in sight.

 

But then I stopped and saw the mess. I fell to the floor.

 

What’s the point anymore? What is there to live for? I destroy everything. I hurt so many people. The love of my life is in pain because of me. I avoided talking to my own bestfriend. I ruined his life. Everyone hates me. There’s no point. I thought.

 

            Fifteen minutes later, I lay on my bed. Staring at all the empty pill bottles on top of my dresser. I try to go to sleep. My phone goes off. It’s a text from Angel.

 

            “Seeing you upset today killed me. I’m so sorry for absolutely everything. I can’t take not being with you. I love you so much, please accept my apology. I need you Liz.”

 

 But it was too late.