How I Almost Married My Dishwasher
I had finally gotten back to my nice little apartment from a horrible date with Alicia. I hate girls, and I’m just not into guys. My parents are expecting a wedding, and I was supposed to propose to her tonight, but she tore my heart the way a child would tear paper for the fun of the sound. She told me she started seeing someone new last month. I don’t want to embarrass her because I’m well behaved, but my parents said they wouldn’t talk to me unless I’m married. They say they love me, but I feel like they do it to put on a show. No matter what I’ve done in my life, nothing seemed to make them happy, and it hurt to see that. I was greeted by colder air-conditioning once I got into my kitchen. It was plain white with wooden flooring. It had a few paintings, but nothing fancy. I opened my fridge and grabbed a can of beer, and then another. I repeated this until I couldn’t stand still. Then I decided to do things I would regret in the morning. I picked up my phone, and dialed what I thought was Alicia’s phone number. I waited a few seconds for someone to answer the phone.
“Hello, who’s this?” said a low voice. I asked myself how her voice got so low.
“Alicia, This is Duran. Your voice got really low! Are you secretly a man?” I asked the person whom probably wasn’t Alicia.
“Wrong number,” she said. I refused to believe it.
“Liar!” I shouted in tears, “I was going to propose to you tonight! You’re not even a gi-,” the person on the other line had already hung up on me.
I grabbed some salt and vinegar chips and ketchup and put it in a wine glass. It was disgusting but I was too drunk to care, or to even know that I had yelled at someone who wasn’t my ex. I got thirsty after eating the chips and ketchup, so I filled a bowl with water and drank it through an orange straw. I felt accomplished after eating that, and began a conversation with my dishwasher.
“How are you today?” I asked the dishwasher.
“I’m doing great! I had a long day of cleaning dishes, bowls, cups and all that stuff. By the way I love that dish soap you gave me earlier! It was delicious!” the dishwasher seemed happy.
“I’m glad you liked it, and I’m really happy with the way you leave my dishes spotless!” I said to my dishwasher. The feeling of happiness was a mutual between the both of us.
“What about you? How are you today?” It asked me.
“I’m not doing so well, my girlfriend broke up with me, and my parents won’t talk to me unless I get married,” I said to the machine feeling dizzy.
“Well, who ever said you had to marry Alicia?” the dishwasher asked me. I smiled at the dishwasher, and hugged it.
“You’re right! Alicia sucks! Thanks!” I said while wrapping my arms around the large machine.
“What would happen to your parents if you just don’t get married to anybody?” the machine asked.
“I don’t know,” I said putting my head on the ground. I fell asleep. I woke up to something poking my face. I cringed and then pushed it away. Something was pounding in my head. I was having a really bad hangover. I opened my eyes, and I was sensitive to the light. The poking had resumed. I was in too much pain to realize that someone’s foot was poking my face, and I don’t live with anyone.
“Are you hung-over?” a voice asked me.
“I’m never going to drink ever again,” I said to the foot.
“My face is up here, dude” I looked up, and saw my best friend Quinn. He had Advil in his hands. My neck was in pain, from sleeping on the ground.
My head was hurting so much more since I fell asleep on my wooden floor. I slowly sat up on the floor feeling exceedingly dizzy and in so much pain. I took the Advil from his hands, and grabbed the beer that was next to me. Quinn kicked the beer out of my hands.
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” he asked me.
“Get me water,” I ordered. He walked to the fridge, and got a small Zephyrhills water bottle. Quinn got on his knee, and rolled the bottle to me. I caught it, with my cold fingers. I twisted the little white cap, and took it off the bottle. I swallowed the Advil, and stood up. After attempting to walk I found myself right back on the ground. Quinn snickered, and helped me up slowly.
When I was finally able to maintain my balance, I made my way to my purple and green living room. I hopped awkwardly onto my dark green loveseat and moaned.
“This is why you don’t drink your problems,” he said to me while I pressed my face against the green seat cushion.
“My problem isn’t alcohol, it’s my love life,” I said as lifted my head from the cushion.
“What about your love life?” he asked me as he sat down at the tip of my toes.
“Alicia dumped me,” I said, “right as I was about to propose.”
“Sorry, man,” said Quinn.
“I don’t even want to get married!” I exclaimed while I sat up like a normal human being.
“I mean you don’t need to!” But he was incorrect. Quinn had been married to a nice girl for three years; he clearly didn’t comprehend the given situation.
“My parents are the only reason I’m doing this,” I said, “they won’t talk to me unless married,” I told them.
“Why do you need to marry a person for you parents to talk to you? Aren’t your parents supposed to love you no matter what?” he asked me. All of a sudden, an idea came into my mind. This idea completely changed the way I thought about this situation.
“Dude, I just got an idea!” I exclaimed.
“What’s your idea?” he asked me.
“I’m gonna marry an object! I’ll live alone in peace, and my parents will talk to me since I’m married,” I said really excited with this new idea.
“I think you’re idea is stupid, but it works,” he said.
“Who do you- I mean, what do you want to get married to?” he asked me. I took a second to think about it. Finally, I got an idea from thinking about the kitchen. I had some strange comfort with my dishwasher, but I couldn’t remember why.
“My dishwasher!” I exclaimed.
“That’s crazy, and messed up, Duran,” he informed me as if I didn’t know.
“But it works, and we need to get started right now!
“Alright! Let’s get the wedding ready! I’ll go make the invitations, reservations, and you can go pick out something to wear,” he said to me.
“You’re helping me?” I was so grateful to have him as my best friend. Quinn was already married, and he lived right next door. He has keys to my apartment, and I have keys to his. We try to hang out at least once a day, but it’s hard sometimes because we’re really busy; he had been my best friend for a while now.
“How does a winter wedding sound?” he asked me. It was November, and winter was coming really quick.
“That’s fine!” I said to him. We both got up from the couch.
“Okay go take a shower, and don’t worry about the reservations, I’ll drive you to the place where I get nice clothes for special events. Okay! Go!” he ran to the phone and started dialing numbers spontaneously. I bolted upstairs, took my clothes off, and got into the shower. The rest of the day was dedicated to planning, reserving and inviting. I decided that Quinn was going to be the best man.
Winter came in fast, and all of my family, and friends were at the wedding place Quinn pick out for me. It was small church with a calm vibe. I was in my tux, and my heart was pounding. I was nervous and for all the wrong reasons. I didn’t love my dishwasher, but I loved my parents. I felt like a huge disappointment, and I couldn’t feel any worse for being exactly that. My parents were sitting in one of the pews with my siblings, aunts and some uncles. The dishwasher had been taken from my home, and is somewhere in this building. My stomach was turning. It was my turn to walk down the aisle.
The man opened a door, and I walked slowly along a blue velvet carpet. I saw faces looking at me, some smiling some crying and some that didn’t seem to care. My father was smiling, and my mother was wiping away her tears of joy. I told them that I was getting married to a beautiful girl, and set their hopes up high. I felt so bad about the next thing that was going to come out of that door. I didn’t want to make my family cry for the wrong reasons or angry, but that’s exactly what happened when my sliver dishwasher under a white veil was being rolling down the aisle by a man.
My father raised his eyebrow, and my mother seemed confused. My younger brother Steven was smiling. Steven and I share the same dark brown hair and blue eyes. At least we were both happy. The veil was removed from the machine, and the priest began to speak. My father was shaking his head, and my mother rolled her eyes. I looked at the washing machine, and thought about what I had done. My father stood up while the priest was still talking, and he walked over to me. He was really angry.
“Son, you took time out of our lives for this?” he interrupted the priest. I looked at him with pain in my eyes.
“I just thought that maybe if I-“
“You’re an idiot, and a disappointment,” he said, “I’m so ashamed to call you my son.”
My mother came up to me, as our blue eyes met. She slapped me across the face, stormed out of the room, and my family followed. I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life. I looked at Quinn he had his brown hair gelled, and his green eyes were rolling. He and I both knew my parents would only accept me if our world was a fantasy, and I was a perfect human being. I looked at him, and thought to myself about how I wasted everyone’s time, and how I was stupid by doing all of this. Everyone got up, and left. Quinn, his wife, Harley, and my little brother were still there. I sat down, and sighed. Harley and Quinn sat with me.
“I lost my family, I lost my girlfriend, I lost everything,” I told Quinn with an empty heart.
“We’re always here for you,” he said, and Harley nodded her head.
“Let’s go to McDonalds!” Harley said. We both looked at her, and then looked at each other with a smirk.
The next thing I knew was that I ended up in the car on my way to McDonalds. I was craving a sweet and creamy chocolate milkshake, and greasy french-fries. When we got there I ordered burger, fries, a milkshake, and other unhealthy things that probably made me sick later. We sat there and ate together. I’ve never felt so happy after such a horrible day.
“I McLove you guys,” I said to my brother and friends.
“We McLove you too,” Steve said to me while hugging me.