I wake to the feel of the boat swaying and rocking in the soft waves. As I open my eyes, I see the dark wooden walls of the cabin like the darkness of the forest and my mother's favorite painting on the far wall. I look away from the cracked paint. I really should get a drape to cover that.
It is ten past eleven. I slammed it on the metal nightstand. I just can't bare to look at it any longer. So I shove it into the desk drawer a far stretch away from the bed feeling like breaking down. I slowly rise to my feet and walk into the small side bathroom. The mirror doesn't have to tell me how awful I look.
Damnit Neven, your mother would never want this for you, you torturing yourself like this. Mel always made me feel judged.
“Mel, you can’t just do that,” I said annoyed. ”And I don’t care what she would have wanted right now, maybe if she would have let me go with her,” I trail off. “Besides you are just a cat what do you know.”
I know that sitting on a boat in the middle of the ocean feeling sorry for yourself is definitely not a good life choice, Mel hissed, still giving me the same pitiful look.
“Just because I can hear you doesn't mean I have to listen.” I mutter, walking away from Mel and out of the cabin onto the deck of the sailboat. The sails parts flapped lightly in the breeze. My mom and I would take out this boat to the island every summer when I was little. Now this boat is taking me away from my home, and all of those memories.
The morning was dull and foggy. I look out into the vast open water seeing only a few birds and two stray dolphins out in the distance, who don’t help my mood. The only good part about this trip was the silence of the open sea.
I sit down on the deck and think about how life was like before, before I was alone in the world.
When I was young I was just like any other kid. Except I wasn’t, not really anyways. While other kids went out to play I would stay inside and play with my toy soldiers as well as help my mom, when I grew up I went to visit my mother often, seeing as she was always alone.
My mother never talked about my father, and even when I did work up some courage to ask, the conversation never went far. From what I do know I gathered that they met in college. She was going to culinary school and I’m still not sure what he was studying. Besides that I know next to nothing other than they broke up before I was born. Now I regret not asking more questions, what if he never even knew about me?
My mother was the best cook ever. When friends would come over all they would ever want is my mother's wonderful cooking. She really did follow her passion. Because of this she ended up having the best bakery for miles around. My mothers bakery was the place to be. I got to help her cook a lot it was our favorite thing to do together we had our best conversations then.
Suddenly I got jolted out of my thoughts by Mel jumping on me. I have had Mel since my mother died, which was about two weeks ago. Mel has been trying to get me to go back. I can not go back. I couldn’t do it face all of these new problems, never to see my mother again. My kids will never meet their grandma. I just can’t do it right now. I’m not ready. Mel thought, there might not be any kids if you don’t go back like you know you need to. I ignore her smart remark like always, and allow myself to think.
So far we have been heading south. Away from California and all of it's memories. I want to keep going until I feel like I can face the world again. I can't keep running though, we are running low on supplies and I don't know exactly how far south we have gone.
You have to go back, Mel thinks looking right into my eyes.
“How can I?” I ask defeatedly.
You know it's the right thing to do you need to go back, not even for yourself, but for your mother. She wouldn’t want you not to run away scared. She would want you to go back, you need to let her go, Mel pleaded Still looking at me with hope.
The night it happened I had come to visit her and tell her about this new girl I had spoken to recently, she was a hiker and had gotten lost in the woods, she had happened upon my house I helped her and called her a cab, because it was so far out we sat and talked for awhile.
When she was leaving I jokingly said, “Maybe next time instead of going alone take someone with you.”
Right before she got in the cab she said, “You know you’re right, how about next time you come with?” After saying this she handed me her phone number and the cab was off. Mel thought, You were completely smitten with that girl! Mel’s right but now I don't know when i’ll see her. After telling my mom the story of meeting Jen she gave me her favorite ivory figurine and said, “ Maybe one day you can give this to her. Tell her how much it meant to your dear mother.”
My thoughts were interrupted by Mel, I still can’t believe she gave you that.
After some exchanges of hugs and thank you’s she mentioned she had a delivery to make. I had asked if she wanted me to go with her she told me it would be simple. “It's only a quick delivery,” she had said. She gave me her signature smile and was on her way telling me she loved me and would be see me soon. She never came back.
I couldn’t help myself, I cried. I cried for my mom, I cried for my dad, I cried for everything, but most of all I cried for me, I was stuck here all alone with no one to help me with my many newfound problems, or to help me understand my mother's death. I was all alone in the world and I wasn’t helping myself. I need to go back. I need to allow myself to heal.
“Mel we need to go back,” I whispered.
I was surprised when I heard nothing. I stared at Mel in the eyes and realized, I could never hear her thoughts. I knew all of the things that Mel “said” it just felt like she was saying it to me. Despite this I still said, “And yes, I’m sure.” After saying this I looked out into the horizon and watched the sun set. It was beautiful and alive, with bright oranges and deep reds with hints of purples between the light and dark night sky. It reminded me of my island.