A blonde boy with alabaster skin sits in his apartment, he looks up to see Sam, his boyfriend, asleep while he lays in his arms. I wish that was the case but my life was never that simple. To find my sorry sight on that floor you must wade through an abundance of emerald bottles. Drinking Sake and Soju all night alone in my bedroom has shot the painstaking reality into me, right after giving me visions of what I had hoped it to be. I was alone, Sam was gone, and we would never have that simple moment of an embrace again.
As I realized the falsity of the fantasy conjured up by my mind mixed with copious amounts of alcohol I couldn’t help but drink more in the hopes of being saved from this nightmare. My liberation from this cruel world could make my mind show me more conceptions of what could have been, or deliver me to my demise. Either or worked for me. The question of how I arrived to be in this deplorable state is answered with a simple word, ignorance. Ignorance causes hate, and until people learn to work to leave the cave and see the sunshine outside, there will always be people put into the state I am.
Two years ago, I was doing the rounds with a group of friends, walking along the beach we found it, a club that stood out from the rest, Below Zero. As resistant as I was, I had to admit this club had character. Walking into the basement of the largest skyscraper in the city you are instantly surrounded and serenaded by house music and neon lights. To say the people were fine would be a drastic understatement. The entire club appeared to be filled with head to toe enticement whether it was the DJ or the exotic crowd. This place was filled with angels, and I had seen Gabriel,he sat in the corner sipping from a sapphire soju glass.
This was where I met Sam, and I was a mumbling and stumbling nervous wreck. I had just met this boy and he had instantly put me into a state of awe as he charmed his way into the deepest depths of my heart. Although my visit to Miami was short, Sam and I had hit it off, we were bewitched by each other and I longed to meet that bold boy once more.
Arriving at Incheon Airport I caught a cab back to my condo in Kangnam and collapsed onto my bed, and even the sleepless city of Seoul couldn’t wake me. Exhausted from my journey I had, yet I still woke up at the crack of dawn to see the nightlife slowly die down. Going for a morning walk I saw the people drunkenly stumbling home from the clubs. Arriving at You Are Here Cafe, as I join the line I see someone turn around after getting his coffee. The sight of Sam in Seoul made my heart flutter, and I was agape with a lack of words to say.
“Tea with milk? Well you’re just trying to make people notice you’re a foreigner,” Sam joked.
“Haha! Well, how else will people know that I’m English?” I nervously blurt out.
We walked together out the cafe and towards the rest of the city. Apparently we both had taken the day off. Although we were just recent acquaintances, we decided to walk through Tapgol Park. Walking and talking and discovering more and more commonalities between us, including a fascination with history, and a love for international cuisine and culture. Our bonding grew over the course of the next couple of weeks, with him asking me to be his boyfriend on New Year's Eve among the scene of the fireworks. This seemed to be one of the happiest moments of my life, and will remain ingrained within my mind ‘till the end of time.
For a year and a half our relationship progressed, we lived together, we ate together, he met my siblings, I met his. My parents flew in for our first Christmas together. Sam was in shock of how accepting my parents were of our relationship despite he was a guy. This was when I learned that there was one major flaw with our relationship, his parents would never approve their son marrying another man, completely ignorant to who he had feelings for. I love him, and I wouldn’t leave him but winning over his parents would prove to be as hard as David slaying Goliath.
For the next year of us living together it was the happiest I have ever been in my life, and I grew more and more attached to the sweet boy that would serenade me to sleep and wake me up in the morning with my favorite tea straight from the pot. We became the epicenter of attention within our friend groups, apparently we looked to be the epitome of a perfect relationship. Every weekend we walked through Tapgol, where we first truly met each other. The ancient architecture that stood around us and had existed for over a hundred years reminded us that if things are built on a strong foundation, they will last lifetimes. Our relationship progressed and I was living in heaven, but everything ends eventually, and we came to a sudden halt with one swift swoop.
Sam was gone for the weekend, he had gone to visit his parents. I went through my normal routine just without him there to go along with me. Sam was an adamant guy who always wanted to have everyone be with him, but like everyone he prefers some to others, and I was one that he prefered. I got a call late on Saturday night from Jessi, Sam’s sister, howling hysterically about how Sam had come home and gotten in a large argument with their parents.
“Sam was talking all about how they need to either accept his relationship with you or they need to accept the loss of their son,” she screeched. “He has always been someone that is calm and collected, I’ve never seen someone cause him to be this… this… erratic! What did you tell him to do? What did you tell him to say? What did you do?”
“Calm down Jessi, I did nothing and I want you to understand I have no idea what's going on. Sam said that your parents had some problems only he could fix and he was going over to help them and also to spend time with them as he hasn’t seen them in a long time. Do you want me to call him and ask him what’s going on?”
“That would be best, he wouldn’t even tell me what’s wrong…” she sighed.
Calling Sam in the morning was nerve wracking and with each ring from my phone I got more and more enraged and anxious, why would he do something as stupid as fighting with his parents? He wouldn’t pick up, I called again, nothing. A third time, a fourth, a fifth, and finally on the sixth call I gave up. With each ring of each call my brain gave way to worse and worse thoughts. Spurious sights of sepulchers entered my mind, diluting any potential for positive thought that I had left. I shoved them aside and called once more, my last stand. The second I hit voicemail for the sixth time, I grabbed my coat and dashed out the door to the train station. Once I arrived in Apgujeong I went first to meet with Jessi, although she said that Sam had left the night before, immediately before my call with her. I searched and I searched and I searched, until finally my phone rang, and it was Sam.
“Sam where are you? How could you do something so stupid? Why would you argue with your parents like that?” I spat out.
“This was the contact with the most recent calls to this cell phone, might I ask what your relation to this person is?” responded an unfamiliar and deep voice.
“I don’t know who you are but can you please just put my boyfriend back on?”
“Sir, I am sorry but he was found ten minutes ago by the Seoul Police Department.”
“Is that idiot drunk again? He needs to learn to stop honestly. Where can I pick him up?”
“Unfortunately he isn’t drunk, but you do sound as you are the quite close with this man could you come to the police station?”
“I’m really gonna kill Sam now, arguing with his parents and getting locked up? What a trouble maker.”
“I’m sorry sir but the one you refer to passed away last night.”
Hanging up instantly I had no Idea how to react, other than shock. Collapsing onto the sidewalk, I didn’t know what to do. I sat for what felt like hours, in the tempest of summer rain. The one thing to pull me out of this comatose was Jessi, finding me on the street and asking me what the matter was. All I could do is give her my phone with the recording of the conversation. She listened silently, and as soon as it ended brought me back to Sam and I’s apartment. She left me alone to go talk to her parents, taking the recording with her. The only thing I could do is go instinctively to the fridge, and grab the green bottles to down in the darkness of the night.