Once upon a time there was a great wizard named “The Banana Wizard”. He was a grand wizard that practiced the powerful banana magic arts. One day he was strolling along a path looking for adventure. Soon he came to a village with very little money and resources. He walked into the shabby bar and ordered a pint of absinthe(Absinthe is an alcoholic drink that can make you hallucinate). The bartender placed the grimy cup down in front of The Banana Wizard and went back to cleaning a mug with a rag that was so filthy that it just made the cup dirtier. After The Banana Wizard took a swig of his absinthe and asked the bartender “Why is this town so run down?”
“Not too long ago a group of bandits pillaged our village and stole all of our valuables. If we could hire a hero to go on an adventure to get them back we would but the bandits have all of our money.”
“An adventure you say? Hmmm….” The Banana Wizard said while watching a tiny dinosaur with a top hat on dancing on the bartenders head “I’ll do it but you have to promise that I’ll be paid after I bring your things back.”
“Really? Okay will do! The bandits fortress is about 528,000 feet from here to the south.”
“Ok cool. That's not that far at all. I thought it would be like 100 miles(528,000 feet is 100 miles)” So The Banana Wizard packed himself a fortnights worth of absinthe and rations of some kind of meat that the villagers said was beef, but the dog collar on it said otherwise.
And so The Banana Wizard was off on his adventure looking for the bandits fortress. Ten miles and two liters of absinthe later The Banana Wizard was about to say fuck this shit and quit and as he was about to turn around and go home he saw a giant gold statue he walked up to it and tried to take it but it was too big so he pulled out his banana wand to cast a spell. He said “abra ka-DAB-ra shrink this thing and make it banana shaped” (when he said the dab part he dabbed) then he put the tip of it in his mouth and took a huge rip from it and busted a fat banana scented cloud that covered the whole statue. When the banana scented fog dissipated, the giant golden statue was gone and in its place was a golden banana statue. So The Banana Wizard picked up the little golden statue and put it in his pocket and continued on with his journey. Later The Banana Wizard was growing tired so he made himself a comfy bed with his magic and went to sleep. The next day The Banana Wizard woke up and used his magic to turn himself back into a person(get it he made HIMSELF a comfy bed?) so he could cook up some of the “beef” the villagers had given him. So he pulled out his trusty banana want and said “abra ka-DAB-ra make a goddamn fire” (when he said the dab part he dabbed) then he took a rip from the tip of it and out of the banana-ey fog came a little fire which he cooked some of the meat on. After he had finished his food he continued his journey until he came to a dense forest. Again he had a strong urge to quit and go home (because if you couldn’t tell by now he’s kind of lazy) but he gulped down half a bottle of his absinthe and continued on through the thicc and deadly forest. Not long after he had entered the forest, The Banana Wizard came upon a small shady-looking store. He needed more supplies he thought so he went inside it despite its shadiness. As he was getting closer he could hear a familiar tune coming from the small shack. When he opened the door his senses were assaulted by Bob Marley’s Jamming blasting at top volume and the overwhelming skunky odor of the shop. The Banana Wizard walked further into the shop and the further he went in the stronger the odor got. All around the shop were weird glass tubes with round bases on shelves along with many lighters. The Banana Wizard was suspicious but he kept going until he had gotten to the area where the skunky odor was the strongest. It was at a desk with a guy sitting behind it. The guy had long greasy grey hair, a beard, bloodshot eyes, glasses with circular rims, and a name tag that said LEO on it. Leo----->
“You wanna buy something man?” Leo asked
“Yeah I’d like to buy some supplies. What do you have?” The Banana Wizard asked.
“Uhhhh… Oregano. And uhh brownies. Special ones.”
“Well I don’t trust the brownies but I'll get the oregano to add some flavor to my food.”
“Okay man here's your oregano.” Leo says as he hands The Banana Wizard a plastic baggie filled with green stuff that is definitely not oregano.
“What is this?!” The Banana Wizard cried
“It's your oregano, man” Leo replied
“This is not oregano! It’s… It’s… The devil’s lettuce! Why would you attempt to give me this? Are you trying to make me a sinner like you?” The Banana Wizard pauses to take a swig of his absinth(an alcoholic beverage(drinking is a sin(this is irony))”You will burn in hell for burning the devils lettuce!”
Leo’s eyes are glazed over then he snaps back to reality. “Okay man, calm down man, what happened and how’d I get here?” Leo asks
The Banana Wizard just looks at him angrily and pulls out his wand and says “Abra ka-DAB-ra turn this dirty pot smoker into a purty stockbroker!” (he dabbed at the dab part)(that joke is kinda getting old isn’t it?)then he takes a huge rip from his banana wand and blows a cloud over Leo and when the cloud dissipated Leo was totally different. He was wearing a suit and tie, his hair was short and clean, and he didn’t have that skunky smell radiating from his body.
“Thank you sir for helping me clean up my act!” Leo said
“No problemo man.” The Banana Wizard replied and with that he left the building.
The Banana Wizard continues his trek through the forest until it is night. Once the sun began to set The Banana Wizard ate some dinner and found a nice place to sleep and he went to sleep.
The next morning The Banana Wizard woke feeling refreshed and got ready earlier than usual. When he was walking he came to a village he saw a girl trying to get a cat out of a tree.
“Do you need help?” The Banana Wizard asked the girl
“Yeah can you get my cat?” the girl replied
“Sure.” The Banana Wizard answered. Then he pulled out his banana wand and said “Abra ka-DAB-ra shrink this tall tree to the size of a small bee!” He then took a rip from the wand and blew a cloud over the tree and when the cloud was gone the tree was really small and the cat was back on the ground.
“Thanks Wizard guy! My name’s Jess. Can you teach me how to do that?”
“I don’t know…” The Banana Wizard said skeptically
“I could become your apprentice!”
“Umm aren't you a little young to be using a banana wand? Also if I were to accept you as my apprentice I’d need your family to give me permission.”
“Okay. Come with me! We can go ask my sisters. They run the church in our village!” Jess said leading The Banana wizard to the church.
When they get to the church there are three girls waiting at the steps.
“Where have you been Jess?” One of the girls asks angrily “You were supposed to have done all your chores!”
“I’m sorry Meghan the cat climbed into the tree and this guy helped get it down.” Jess says then she says to The Banana Wizard “Thats Meghan, Allie, and Ashley.”
“Hey.” The Banana Wizard says
The girls ignore him. “Why did you bring him here?” Ashley asks
“I want to become his apprentice. Show them what you can do.” Jess says.
The Banana Wizard complies and takes out his banana wand and a rock from the ground. Then he said “Abra ka-DAB-ra turn this dirty rock into a sturdy crock!” and he took a small rip from the wand and blew a small cloud over the rock and it magically it turned into a crock.
The girls stood there for a second then in unison screamed “Witchcraft! It’s a witch! We need to burn it!”
“ Okay I’m just gonna uh go…” The Banana Wizard said and quickly left before they could light their torches and get out their pitchforks.
Soon it was dark and The Banana Wizard needed to stop for the night. So he cooked up some food and finished off the rest of his booze. Then he went to bed.
The next morning The Banana Wizard woke up soaked. It was raining and everything was drenched from the rain. The rest of that morning was miserable for The Banana Wizard when he was huddling under a tree to escape the rain. When the rain finally let up The Banana Wizard continued with his journey.
A few hours later The Banana Wizard was at the front gate of the bandits fortress. He was tired, wet, miserable, and almost sober but he still knocked at the door of the bandits fortress. Not long after he did so he was greeted by an army of bandits. There had to be at least a hundred if not more. And at this point was when The Banana Wizard had another strong urge to quit and this time he gave in. He turned around and left. He went to the nearest bar he could find and stayed there. He didn’t feel like going back to the first village so he didn’t. So that village stayed poor and hungry and they learned a valuable lesson: Don’t hire some drunk guy to do a hero's work.