The water dripped from the spigot softly, splashing up into the air as it hit the water in the red bucket sitting under the pump. We stared at the droplets falling softly, almost elegantly, hitting the water that almost filled the bucket. The trees above us moved side to side with the wind, leaves fell slowly down to the earth floor. My hands hovered over the warmth of the flames, your arms around me, comforting me, protecting me from the frosty air. That memory plays in a loop in my head every night before I drift into a silent sleep. I am walking through the rain, my boots soaked, my hair drenched. My eyes filled with tears, and you aren't here.
Everyone said it would get better, life would go on, but it doesn't. The morning after you jumped, your younger brother called me his voice was calm but by the end of the call we were both in tears. He had explained what had happened that warm summer morning, just streets from my house, where you took your life. You jumped off the bridge where we would meet in the dark of night and sit on the ledge, our legs dangling off the side. I used to run my hands through your messy dark hair. Your ocean blue eyes filled with sorrow hidden beneath your irises.
I wish I saw the signs, if I had you would be here with me. I wish I had gotten you help. Everything was so much worse than I thought. I knew you were having a hard time, but I just thought it would pass. I was so naive. I miss you; if I could change what happened, I would in a heartbeat. Just one last day of us laughing, yelling, crying, but I can't change it. I can't go back in time and pull you off the bridge. It’s my fault.
I saw your mom and your brother yesterday at the grocery store. She gave me one of her big warm hugs, her soft dark sweater warmed my chilled arms. She really misses you, she would do anything for one more day with you. Your brother was wearing your varsity jacket, probably trying to imprint your scent forever onto his skin, he doesn't talk much anymore, he is silenced by the memories of you. Your mom asked me if I wanted to come over to have dinner at your house. I wanted to go but I just couldn't imagine walking into your house and not hearing your infectious laugh that fills the old brick rooms with happiness.
I have a photo of us next to my bed. Sometimes it hurts to look at it and see your smile. I miss your beautiful eyes mixed into swirls of blues with a drop of charcoal black set in the center. I miss your dusty brown freckles that graced your soft skin. I miss your beautiful hands that used to cling to mine. I miss the way you used to twirl my curly red hair around your finger as we sat and stared out into the empty abyss. I miss the way you used to hold me and care for me, but now you are left to sit in a box of memories.
I hate being here on this cold uncared for world, we are surrounded by hate and sadness, no one is truly happy here. Who could be? I want to be with you, wherever you may be, it's gotta be better than here. Everyone is fake, and thoughtless, like robots. I want to be with you.
My clothes stick to my skin, how honey sticks to toast. The water is a thick mist, spilling out of the clouds above; I like the rain, it feels safe. Our memories still in my head sitting there patiently for others to join them, they don't understand you are no longer here, with me. I try to tell them you aren’t coming back but they don't understand.
The beautiful lilac fields coated by water droplets. The mud squished under my feet as I walk. I walk a lot now, I walked to get away from all the pain but its seems as though I will never be able to walk fast enough. Is that how you felt?
I wonder if you thought about me as you stood as a cold concrete statue on the wooden bridge, I wonder if you knew how much you would hurt me. I know you didn’t, you probably thought about how after just one jump the pain would end for you. I understand wanting to end the pain, you knew I did. You knew about the flashbacks that played on repeat in my head. You knew about the messed up family that I was brought into. You knew that one more death would push me over the edge, but you were only thinking of yourself. I'm not judging. I get it, you were in that place where you were so desperate to stop the pain.
The rain has died down, my eyes are puffy and red from crying, they burn. I’m at your bridge. I pull myself up on to the ledge where we once sat laughing. My heart is beating fast, it feels like it's trying to jump out of my chest. I look down at the waves, the water is a beautiful blue green color. I have nothing keeping me here anymore, yet I feel hesitant, hesitant to join you. My body aches for you. Is this how you felt as you fell into the waves? Or did you know you were ready to leave?
I stand on the wooden ledge getting ready to jump. The crunch of leaves that covers the ground echoes throughout the woods. The brisk wind pulls my hair back as if it’s asking me to stay. It’s cold my arms are covered in goosebumps. The crunching of the leaves gets louder, screams of glass piercing flesh come from behind me. Soft hands forcefully grab my shoulders and pull me down of the ledge. I tumble to the earthy floor. She holds me tight, her tears warm my neck. Her long blond hair shields my eyes from seeing her face. I push her elegant hair out of my face and look up to see her glimmering eyes, a beautiful blue just like yours were, it's her. Holding me how you once did.