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“Ah yes, another client.”

I found him in the back alley

“Who are you?”

“Where are you taking me?”

Common questions, disappointing really. I was hoping to find someone more unique, as everyone likes to play the role of the kidnapped these days. My clients love to roleplay, but since everyone is doing the kidnapped impression it really gets dull after a while. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say they are serious.

“Please, let me go.” He begs.

“Oh, do not worry, my friend, there is nothing to fear. My expert services are completely free of charge, as what I do is not my job, but my passion.”

They keep on pleading as I take them back to my workshop. I sometimes feel the urge to gag them, but being the good nature host that I am, I would never do that.


When I reach my destination, I lie them down on the table and handcuff them, since clearly they have some sort of kidnapping fantasy, and everything I do is to please my clients. Then I look at my assortment of toys. I see my blades, my coals, and my vinegar. Looking at the man, he looks someone who can enjoy fine music, so I suppose I shall start with the blades

“Now I shall start with a song from my blades, would you care to provide the accompaniment?” I ask.

“No! No! Please don’t.”

“Ah yes that is great, now some timely screams would also fit in well.”

The man screams. You know, I am really glad that my clients are so quick to satisfy my requests.

“It hurts! Stop! Please! I can give you money, just stop!” He begs

“He doesn’t enjoy the pain? No, he must be joking, I never leave a customer unsatisfied”

“Money? Seeing my customers satisfied is worth more to me than any currency in the world” I reply.

“Customers? I’m not your customer you damn psychopath! Get away from me!”

A jokester eh? Pretending that he didn’t want this. Although it gets kind of old after everyone pulls that stunt. Could you at least try to be unique? No matter, back to the client’s needs.

“You look like you have had enough music, would you care to be warmed?”

“Anything but this, I beg of you!”

Like I said, extremely quick to satisfy my requests.

“Okay, now just lay back nice and easy while I put these on you, they will keep you warm on this cold night.”

Immediately his screams intensify.

“Perfect” I think “The louder they scream, the more they love it. I must be really outdoing myself on this client. I sure hope he leaves a good tip.”

“Now, to make sure you don’t pass out from the pleasure, I would like you to count backwards by 14 from 1000. Start now.”


I prepare the vinegar.


“Make sure you don’t mess up in your counting or I might not agree to serve you again.”


“Ok, I’m going to get out the vinegar to soothe those cuts I made on you earlier.”


“I told you, no wrong numbers. Hopefully you won’t make that mistake again.”  I say as I pour the vinegar into their wounds.

His screams intensify.

“Keep counting, or you won’t like what happens” I say in a sing song voice “I believe you are on 958”

“95-” He gasps for breath “8”

“Close enough. Keep counting. I have a surprise that I’m sure you would like”


“Now I might have to move you to the stretching machine, but make sure you keep counting”


“Ok, on three. One, two, three” I say as I lift him up

He screams louder than ever before

“Huh, maybe I should add picking them up to my service. It seems to be very effective.”

I carry him over to the stretcher. I realize he stopped counting.

“Hey that isn’t allowed. Speak up”


Looking down, I see that he passed out. I get up to go fetch some cold water to wake him up. When I dump the water on him, he stirs but does not wake. I get more water to pour on him and finally he comes to, gasping and moaning.

“Now I don’t go back on my word, so I’m afraid I’ll have to get out the Tunnelers”

“Wha- What are those”

“My bioengineered little pets. They are extremely painful, so I would use them on all my clients, but they also cause lasting damage, which isn’t good business.”

“Please no, I have a family. Two children. I can’t die here.”

“Oh don’t worry, they won’t kill you. They are organisms no bigger than a small ant that, true to their name, tunnel through your veins. After they have gorged themselves on your blood, which it doesn’t take much to do, they lay their eggs in you and their offspring repeat the process. Pretty obviously, they are nigh impossible to remove once they get in your system”

The man starts crying.

“Fake tears as well huh. You really are going all out with this act.”

The man looks at me, pure hatred in his eyes.

“This was horrible, but it will all be worth it to ensure that you are locked up and can never harm anyone again”

Suddenly, I realize. This man was an undercover cop. I hate the police. They are ridiculously rude and try to interrupt my treatment. All chivalry went out of my mind as I cut out his eyelids and poured an acid that would slowly eat away his entire body. There was no antidote.

“This is too slow a death for you, scum. I don’t like giving my enemies pleasurable deaths. A clean blade through the heart would have been best for you. However, I don’t have time to find a knife.”

I hear the door being kicked down.

“Time to entertain my new guests, I regret leaving you like this, but you gave me no choice.”

The man’s screams echo behind me. I run to the door and see about 30 SWAT members in full body armor.

“Get on your knees and put your hands in the air.” The lead member says.

I ignore him.


I comply.

“Looks like I have plenty new clientele to entertain eh?” I say to no one in particular.

I start counting down from 3 under my breath.

“Who else in in here with you? Who are you talking to?”






“While I can’t say this hasn’t been fun, I have better things to do. I hope you all enjoy my services.” I say, right as the concealed turrets I have in my walls reveal themselves. “My toys will take care of you now.”

At that voice activated command, the turrets start firing, and their ammo is not lead. No, each of these turrets fires canisters full of tunnelers that, after making contact, release their precious cargo. I duck behind the table to my left right as the cops start firing. After a few moments, the gunshots are replace by screams as my pets do their work.

“A job well done.” I think

Tears well up in my eyes as I exit my humble abode, knowing what must be done. Before I could stop myself, I activate the explosives embedded under my facility with this command.  

“I leave you and all of my clients with pain,

I do hope that I left my stain

On this tiny land

That does not understand

What they can gain

From the beauty of pain”

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