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                                                       Things don’t affect me the way they used to. 

                                                                   I don’t care the way I used to.

                                                                   I don’t love the way I used to. 

                                                                    I don’t feel the way I used to. 

                                                                     I’m not who I used to be. 

                                                                      I just don’t feel like me. 


                                                        Who, what, where, when, why, how am I?

                                                      Who am I? I am changing into someone else. 

                                                       What am I? Am I still just a hurt little girl?

                                                          Where am I? This doesn’t feel like home. 

                                                     When am I? Going to start feeling like myself. 

                                                                   Why am I? In so much pain. 

                                                           How am I? Making it through all of this. 



         I feel irregular. It is like something is off. Something about me. It is as if  I am morphing into the darker version of myself. I am afraid of that version. It is cold hearted and ill-tempered. I am the grinch in reverse. The more I change the smaller my heart gets and the more my soul fades away. 


         I am growing into a young adult. It is not fun, but my childhood wasn’t so fun either. It wasn’t terrible or anything, I just had some problems. My problems were nothing special, just sexual and verbal abuse. Now I am a traumatized and depressed young adult ready to die break out into the world. You can’t see it but I smiled. It was fake. 


         The atmosphere has a different feel to it. It is beginning to be uncomfortable. No, it is uncomfortable. I am still in the same place, it just doesn’t feel the same. It is as if everything changed. The reality is that nothing has changed except me. I want to leave. The thing is I have no where else to go as I can’t leave my mind. Man do I wish I could. 


         I miss the old me. I miss my old state of mind. It was as free and as open as outside and happiness was the wind. Now that mindset is locked away in a box and I am on the floor in the dark looking for the key. I guess I will get to open it up when I am all cured. I wonder if that will ever happen. Probably not. 


         I feel the pain all over. Inside and out. I have been hurt physically and emotionally. Someone has hurt me and left me weak. It is as if the weight of a thousand men is on top of me and whenever I move another sits. That feeling isn’t physically, just emotionally. I want to get up and keep moving, but that just brings on more pain. I know that at some point I will have to. For now I am just going to lay here. 


         I can do this. I am a tough girl. I have made it this far so I know that I can keep going. I am the underdog in this. What I have been through does not determine who I am or what I am capable of.  It is just another part of my story. A story that has yet to be finished. I will not give up. I can’t give up. Even if sometimes I want to. 


    What happened to me was not my fault. Though I am different now, I am still me. It is completely normal for people to go through change. I have been through something horrific and I have the right to react to it. No matter what, I am who I am and whoever I decide to be is ok. Hopefully. 


    I am a blue butterfly. I was once a small caterpillar. A terrible thing happened to me so I hid in my chrysalis. I have now broken out of my chrysalis. I am different than I was before, but I am beautiful. Sometimes I wish I was still a small caterpillar. Then again, a butterfly is what I have always been meant to be. 


    I have changed, but this is me now. Change isn’t necessarily bad. I will just have to get used to it. It sounds a little harsh, but it is. It is about time I be hard on myself in a good way. I am growing up and adjusting and that is ok. Eventually I will feel more secure. That doesn’t necessarily mean I will feel better, but one can hope. 


    There is hope. There is hope that I will get better. Maybe. I want to believe that I will. I want to believe that my future is bright. I want to believe that things can and will be different.  Just as I changed before and I can change again. Next time for the better. Then again, I have been wrong. 


    Get up. You are strong and you can do it. I believe in you. Me. I believe in me. It is my life and I can do this. However, I have had false hope in the past. I pray this isn’t one of those times. I am just afraid of things not working out, but I can’t let that stop me from trying. I really want to believe that, but some part of me doesn’t.


    Life has its ups and downs. You can never really be sure what is going to happen. You just to have to deal with it. Whatever it is. The future can hold bad things or good things. I will just have to wait and see. Whatever happens, just know in the end, it will be my victory. 


                                                      Who am I? I will always just be me.

                                        What am I? It’ll be years before I really figure it out.

                                                  Where am I? Same place, new person.

                                                      When am I? As long as it takes.

                                               Why am I? This is my life, but I will survive.

                                                      How am I? Nobody really knows.


                                                                      I am different

                                                                        I am ugly

                                                                     I am beautiful 



                                                                       Life is hard

                                                                    I’ll get through it

                                                            Maybe I won’t be the same

                                                                       Maybe I will

                                                               Sometimes it matters

                                                               Sometimes it doesn’t

                                                                   No matter what

                                                                       I’m just me

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