You stared at the knife for just a second, trying to convince yourself otherwise. But you knew what you wanted. Pain slithered throughout your body like a snake of regret. Milky moonlight spilled through the window and made the growing pool at your feet shine like diamonds. Like rubies. Red.
Your father stared at his computer screen, not looking at graphs, but pictures of a five-year-old you running to the camera. Tears fell onto his shirt as he watched a video of you singing Taylor Swift. He slammed his computer shut as he heard the footsteps of someone walking towards him. His friend put a hand on his shoulder and told him he was sorry. He cried harder.
Your mother stared at the backpack sitting in the corner, never to be used again. Tears silently slid down her face as she threw the lunch she made you into the trash. Your mother threw her keys at the wall and called in sick for work. She put her head in her hands. She cried harder.
Your sister stared at her microscope in biology class, thinking of how you used to complain with her about the teacher. Tears blurred her eyes and slipped out. The teacher looked at her and nodded her head towards the door. Your sister ran out of the classroom and threw her against the wall of the bathroom stall. She cried hard, so hard, holding herself and shaking because she couldn’t get over it, she couldn’t forget you, she couldn’t. She cried harder.
Your brother stared at the orange and black ball sitting at his feet after school, remembering how you’d always laugh as he called you a lousy basketball player when you missed. Tears slipped down his cheeks as he kicked the ball at the garage door. He watched as the ball turned and he saw the words Happy birthday, loser with your name and a heart under it. He cried harder.
Your boyfriend stared at your house door as he pulled out the key you gave him to let himself in. Your family didn’t blink at the dinner table as he joined them. He relived memories of you with them as they all ate spaghetti, your favorite. He helped clear the dishes off the table and swept under it. He made his way up the stairs to your room, where he lay on your bed, trying to absorb your scent. He felt tears slip onto your sheets. Your dog whimpered at his feet. He looked at his old hoodie that you took, sitting on your desk chair. He cried harder.
Your best friend stared at the place where you used to sit at the little table in the cafeteria. She wished that your laughter would fill the empty space that you left. She looked through her camera roll, where almost every picture had you. Tears wet her screen protector. She heard the sound of the principal telling the school that you died and to please give a moment of silence to honor your memory. She tried to make herself to stop crying for just a minute, to be quiet like the principal said. But she couldn’t. As the whole school silenced, the only sound to be heard was her. She cried harder.
Your teacher stared at your test. 98%. She always believed in you. Tears wet your ungraded homework from just one week ago. She looked at your old seat in the classroom, right in the middle. She cried harder.
And then there was her. Her.
She stared at her bedroom wall as she hit her head against it repeatedly. She looked at the torn photo strips of you three in her desk drawer. She kept them. She didn’t mean it. Tears fell onto the hardwood floor of her hall as she aimlessly wandered her house. She didn’t know it would snowball into all this. She cried harder.
They would have helped you. They would have helped. You thought you were worthless, that you didn’t matter to them. But you mattered.
You mattered. You mattered to your mother and father who raised you. You mattered to your little brother who teased you. You mattered to your little sister who talked to you. You mattered to your boyfriend who held your close to his chest. You mattered to your friend who laughed with you while watching High School Musical for the seven thousandth time. You mattered to your teacher who would help you after class. You mattered to her. You even mattered to her. The love you desired was always there, and deep down you knew. But you couldn’t believe it.
You’re gone now. Just remember, you hurt more than just yourself. You hurt everyone. Everyone was wounded in your fall down. You mattered.