A silver needle breaking layers of my skin pushing down the substance that makes me smile and forget. My blood is the mixture of my addictions and my damage brain is the witness of my mistakes. I depend on fuel and base my survival into a white powder later dissolve in acid to feel satisfied. My scars stick on my body with the sweetness of the honey I used to drink in my golden cup. My veins are exhausted from the misery I created for myself to run in and now I began to feel the absences of my fuel.
In the rain, I wash my innocence, I wrap myself in the warmth of my arms I shut my eyes and feel the raindrops fall against me. All this time I’ve been running away from them instead of appreciating their affection. I’ve been running and hiding because I'm ashamed of the person I’ve become. I have built a home, with a rooftop of a bridge and the weak walls of six cartons. I have left my family behind, I have left my daughter for poison.
I slowly walk in my footsteps and with every step I take I feel every tiny rock under my feet and I began to remember the Louis Vuitton shoes my father used to give me. And I remember not feeling anything. I was numb, and my father was guilty of depriving me of feeling the ground. My heart begins to pump again and my rib cage allows my lugs to breath the purity of the strong wind moving my chocolate hair in all directions unfolding my brain to think.
My daughter was punish with a mother and a father taken by addictions. She’s seventeen and calls her grandmother “mom”instead of me. I’ve lost that privilege a long time ago, and so did her father because he is like me- homeless and a drug addict. I urge to see the light but I fear I’ve gotten used to seeing the colors of the night. The trace of my footsteps can’t be erase, and the only way I find my smile is in a needle. I can’t let go, I have to accept myself this way I’m too far this trail to be saved. And I can’t see my daughter because I wear this face of shame but I can leave her a letter for words to hold on to.
I love you and I will always think of you. I’m sorry I have to distance myself from you but I hold on to the idea of you tightly. You must wonder why I left, it’s not your fault- it’s mine. Life has beaten me up and I’ve learned how to run. But my daughter, as you know you have the same blood as me and I beg you to never walk in the same footsteps of my path. I would love to hug you but the person I’ve become will only contaminate you. This may not be a happy ending because I can’t be saved. But just as I learned to run you must learn to stand strong for me and create a happy ending for us. This is a goodbye, I’ve hurt you for too long my letters will only hold you back. Just know I’ve chosen to live and stay this way.