i remember so many nights spent staring at the ceiling,
two in the morning but i couldn’t shake the feeling.
the feeling of living this life without worth,
the knowledge that every day it only gets worse.
my friends want to know, but what can i say
when the truth only drives my loved ones away?
they think that i’m fragile, to handle with care,
and maybe they’re right, or maybe i’m just scared,
scared that they’re out there living the dream,
and i’m here not being what they want me to be.
i wish i was smarter, and i should run farther,
and i should live large and die like a martyr.
but dying is easy, and living is harder,
so instead i wake up and i put on my armor.
i laugh and i smile for these seven hours,
and just for today, i have all the power.
to the voices in my head: now it’s your turn to hide,
‘cause i went through today and i came out alive.
but then i get home, and you crawl back in.
there’s a war in my mind and you always win.
so i call up my friend and her voice drowns you out,
“i just need you to talk, i don’t care what it’s about”,
because i am a candle that slowly burns out,
and i drown in the sea of worries and doubt.
and don’t leave me alone in this house that’s not a home,
enshrouded in this darkness because that’s when they’re the
loudest, my conscience is calloused,
my brain is their palace,
i prayed to your god, and i begged him for balance,
and i only got silence in return.
i’ve been waiting for years for a hero to catch me,
but maybe that hero isn’t such a necessity.
maybe i don’t need spandex and a cape,
maybe i just need the courage to say
“you’re not going to keep me trapped like this.
i won’t live waiting for you to attack like this.
i’m saying goodbye to these tears and anxiety,
forget, not forgive every time that you lied to me.”
so give me a torch and i’ll light that up,
throw gas on my demons and watch them combust.
i’ll say, ‘now, who’s the one getting burned to the ground?
did you really think i would just keep you around?
‘cause now i can sleep, not just stare at the ceiling,
now i can rest, ‘cause i’ve shaken the feeling.
and now i am smarter, and faster, and stronger,
and now i live large, i stay happy for longer.
still a war in my mind but now i don’t lose,
i fight back, i breathe, and now i refuse
to drown in that sea; now i know how to swim,
and i turned on the lights in the rooms that were dim.
you got that little girl. we both know that’s true.
but you better watch out, ‘cause that little girl grew.