I wondered when I’d see my family again. I truly did.
4 years old and my daddy was gone on a mission trip. What a kind father he was. How sad it is to believe that my disappointment is never enough to satisfy my depression. Depression keeps eating at me. Scarring me. Taking over me. When will my suffering satisfy its hunger? Will it ever? Maybe, maybe not.
I was 4 years old. I don’t remember much. I remember seeing my black car seat out of my peripheral vision, but in front of me was the worn, dried out face of my beautiful mother. Was she never enough for you daddy? Was she never enough? I still remember all of my stuff being packed up. Too young to understand true sadness, true hurt, all I could ask myself is “where are we going?” I guess my daddy was never satisfied with my mommy, just as my depression never satisfies its hunger for more and more anger. Sadness. Guilt. Problems. Suffering. Why did you leave daddy?
I was 4 as I said. Too young to understand anything. Too young to understand life as it is. Too young to except anything other than playtime and happiness. Naps and snacks. Laughs and giggles. What ever happened to my giggles? Do only babies get giggles? Will giggles never be enough? I accepted life as it was. It was all attention, never out of the grasp of momma. I had separation anxiety, though I was much too young to understand either of those words. Isn’t it funny how life can sneak at you it many ways you don’t understand, just like I didn’t understand the anxiety?
I was at my momma’s best friend’s house soon. I didn’t know what was happening and continued to live life as it was set before me. Playing with the puppies on the floor, sleeping with mommy when I had a nightmare, always getting away with my mischief. Mommy treasured my 2 brothers and I, after she lost daddy.
Daddy didn’t die. Daddy didn’t go to the hospital or get injured. He simply wasn’t satisfied. I learned this at age 11 when I began to understand life in a different aspect. In a different view. How I miss being a child, not having a care nor worry. As I grow older, I grow younger again. I start to miss those giggles and laughs that I never let out anymore. Why? Because I realize that mommy was never enough. Neither are my tears.
Mommy explained it all. Daddy went on a mission trip. He took every last dollar with him and almost all the food. Mommy tried to stay calm. I always stayed near her. My separation anxiety got worse and worse after daddy never came home. Daddy had been with other women. None of them satisfied him. Not a single one. They were never enough.
After daddy came home from being with other women, giving up on the beautiful life that he had right below his nose, the beautiful children and the gorgeous wife he was blessed to have, he found his family gone. He was lucky to have mommy. But she was never enough.
My Aunt new about his affairs. He threatened to tell disgusting lies about her if she said a word. She was too scared. Mommy figured out from my grandmother. She wasn’t afraid of a young, deceiver of a man. She told her and we left home.
He came home, finding us gone, called mommy several times. Never did she answer. I grew up without a daddy for about a year. “Where’s daddy?” I would ask. Mommy gave the same old response. “Daddy isn’t here right now honey. How about a snack?” I soon grew tired of asking. I new daddy wasn’t coming home. Our daddy left my mommy. Why? Because mommy was never enough for him. No, not ever.
His children were not either. I grew up, never receiving a letter from daddy. Never receiving a text or call. Not on birthdays, not on Christmas, for 7 years. Seven whole years of my life forgetting that I had 2 daddies. After about a year of no daddy, I was about 5 years old. It was July 28, 2010. Nine years ago.
Mommy met him at a bible study. She liked him, but no more than a friend. When mommy realized that my biological father wasn’t satisfied with the 6 years he had with my mommy and his son, the 4 years he had with mommy and I, and the only 2 years he had with the youngest of my blood and mommy, she married my step-daddy.
My step-daddy wasn’t always a Christian. He had bad anger issues at first, but he’s such a good man now. He’s the greatest. He’s a good father. He teaches us about the Lord and interacts with us. My step-daddy truly loves us.
6 years after my mommy married my step-daddy, my biological father asked to see us. He was different. He pretended nothing ever happened. One day I asked him why he wasn’t with mommy anymore. Such a liar he was. Such a liar he is.
“Mommy left me when I was telling people about Jesus. It hurt daddy very badly.” He said. I never believed him. Mommy told us about it all.
He left, cheated on mommy, took all the money, pretended it never happened, and 7 years later came back into our lives as if nothing ever went wrong. As if he was still the daddy we knew. The daddy we loved. He was dating a nice woman when we first saw him again. Next visit, a different one. Next visit, none. Oh, my biological daddy will never be satisfied. For him, enough is never enough.
I had great separation anxiety from my mommy at even an older age like 11. When we were forced to go to my biological dad’s house, I would take my brother’s phone and text her every chance I got. She had to go to church on Sundays and my biological father hated church, so often I would listen to sermons on YouTube without his knowing. All day he would favor my older brother. My older brother is not nice at all, but he still is favored the most. He’ll play video games all day. Most of the time when we went he’d be at work. We wouldn’t even see him some visits. He just wanted us away for Sundays. How deceitful he was. I was never enough.
He had another daughter with another woman. She became his angel and I seldom saw him. Never did I see him twice in 2 months. Never twice in 3 or 4. My anxiety got larger the longer we stayed. I remember going home so relieved to be in the arms of my mother who really cared about me.
Oh, depression. Oh, tears. Oh, anxiety. You’ll never have enough. Never enough suffering. 2 months ago, my mother died of stage 4 cancer. My separation anxiety grew too much to bear. Oh, depression. Oh, tears. Oh, anxiety. My suffering will never be enough to satisfy you. Never enough.
I found a friend at my church who experiences the same struggles. The same heart tearing pain. For my tears, suffering will never be enough. Too many struggles come at me. I have been legally handed over to my biological father who I must now spend 95% of my life with. I never see my step-daddy who loves me. When I go over to his home, he is in his bed sleeping.
One day when we came over, I opened the door to greet my dog at the door. I went to hug my step-daddy but he was sleeping. I thought he was. I hugged him anyway. His body was as cold as ice, and hard as stone. He was skinnier than a twig. My step-daddy died of starvation and depression.
Oh, tears. Oh, depression. Oh, anxiety. Will my suffering never be enough? No. Never enough.
I keep walking my bumpy road. My sorrowful path. My loving parents are dead. I live in great depression. I get no attention. I help myself in every way as my older brother gets love. Not real love. Love that will earn his affection. Fake love. Love that will try to prove that he is all that matters. Love from my only father left.
It is sad. So sad. So sad to think that the love my brother receives will never be enough. My father’s needs never enough. Never satisfied. I continue to walk alone. My best friend was all I had left.
Oh death, will you never be satisfied? Will your victim’s never be enough?
No. Never Enough.